Fuck cuffing season


lust  • 

Fuck cuffing season

We’re just making shit up now

Cuffing season is that dreaded period of time between late fall and mid May where everything becomes frigid and dark and people are actively looking for someone to spend their miserable time with.

But the only thing worse than trekking through two feet of snow in the dark at 4PM, is trekking through two feet of snow in the dark at 4PM with Steve shackled to your side.

Screw the holidays, and fuck your stupid aunt Catherine who keeps asking why you're "single." You don't owe her anything, and you definitely don't owe her Steve. Here's why I've had it:

You're stuck in a confined space with someone you barely know

There is literally nothing appealing about being stuck in a room with someone, much less sharing a bed with them. But with the windows closed and the radiator on, too?!

This is a recipe for warm breath, sticky bodies and a whole lot of face time with someone we started seeing two weeks ago. They're going to become way too comfortable way too quickly, and pretty soon they'll be eating our food, touching all our belongings and using our towel without asking.

It's more expensive to date during cuffing season

The only holidays in spring and summer include beer, fireworks and hotdogs. But when it comes to winter (I guess because we have to find something to be happy about?) every single holiday includes buying gifts, and there's nothing worse than buying gifts for someone you know you're not going to stay with anyway.

Save yourself some money and skip out on buying a Valentines Day gift, or buy one for yourself instead. At least then you know it will stick around.

Things get way too serious, way too fast

With all of the holiday breaks taking place during cuffing season, you can rest assured you'll be dragged to at least a few of their family functions.

Pretty soon you'll find yourself cooking with his dad while explaining to his grandmother that you're not actually into her grandson, you're just fucking him for a few months before one of you inevitably dumps the other. And when one of them brings it up in spring, it'll be awkward all over again.

Save yourself (and both your mothers) the pain, and get drunk and tell them you're still single instead.

Winter is PRIME backslide season

I don't know about you, but I fucked a lot of guys who were really shitty to me in high school and I still have a few more on my bucket list. With all the time back home between Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years, and nobody to hang out with but your mom and a big old glass of Chardonnay, you'll have plenty of reasons to slide back into a few DMs.

Nothing better or more depressing than swiping on Tinder back home and seeing who else is bored, horny and lonely with the standards low enough to fit. And if you're cuffed, you won't get to indulge.

Your New Years resolutions won't include this person

Have you ever brought anything from a past year into your new year resolution with you? You weren't working out before, but you're going to work out now. You weren't eating well before, but you're going to eat well now. And you're meant to get a fresh slate with your relationships, too.

New year, new you, no Steve.

The holidays break it all up anyway

Unless you work, go to school or live in the same place your family does, cuffing season is super broken up. Between holidays and familial obligations, there are hardly two weeks you can tie together to see someone.

This "season" is literally set up to end from day one, which is why it's called a season. If you're going to get yourself cuffed, get yourself cuffed.

You don't know what's underneath their clothing

Call me vain, but screw Halloween because the scariest thing about the colder weather creeping in is the fact you can no longer gauge what's going on underneath by getting a good look at the outside.

The cold weather outweighs any dickdar power we once thought we had, and forces us to select people based on their personality instead of their arms. Anything could be happening under that Thrasher sweatshirt, and 9 out of 10 times it's not good.

So, after reviewing the season thoroughly and weighing its pros and cons, cuffing season is officially cutting off season, and we're all gonna bag it when we want it from now on.


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