Everyone you’ll inevitably run into when you go home for Thanksgiving
Your hometown’s greatest hits
by Katie Way
Thanksgiving is a relatively simple holiday, especially if you toss aside all of the weird, shaky historical context. Basically, you go home and eat a long, early dinner with your family members and then watch football instead of the Godfather marathon that's on AMC every year.
But since that straightforward premise brings everybody home at the same time every year, things get complicated, because it means that running into people you're not exactly dying to see is inevitable.
Here's a comprehensive list of everybody you're gonna bump into over Thanksgiving break. Resistance is kind of futile, but don't say I didn't warn you.
The "important" high school ex
You guys tried to make it work after one or both of you dipped off to college, but it didn't really pan out, probably because one of you cheated. No matter what, it definitely didn't end well. Get ready for some frosty eye contact followed by a few lines of awkward conversation. Then they'll booty call you at 2 A.M. on Wednesday night and, if you're lucky, you won't see it until the next morning.
thanksgiving break is the time for you to rekindle that toxic flame w/ your ex from back home for a 3 day dick appointment, just to argue once and never speak again (until winter break in 3 more weeks).
— kc (@kcveggiess) November 19, 2017
That one girl whose name you can't fucking remember
You guys had English class together senior year… or was it physics? Ugh. Either way, this girl is the kind of person you never followed back on Instagram, so now you have literally no idea what her name is. You might not even realize that you know her until you've already been staring at her from across the restaurant for like five minutes, and now she's coming over to say hi. Pray that you have a friend or parent with you who you can introduce, so she's forced to say her name back (it's probably Abby). Otherwise, you're definitely losing an IG follower.
The guy who responds to all of your Snapchat stories
Did you guys even talk in high school? You can't remember, but now the only reason this dude is remotely on your radar is that he responds to ever single fucking thing you put on your Snap story. Out with friends? He says, "Hell yeah haha." Funny video of your cat? He says, "lmao." Selfie? He sends you the heart eyes emoji three times in a row. You never respond, and when you see him in real life you'll make a beeline for the nearest exit because you're like 90 percent sure he wants to cut off your skin and wear it.
The homecoming royalty that can't let go
The king or queen of the #throwbackthursday, not a lot of stuff happened for this person after high school ended. They probably didn't go to college, and if they did they didn't finish, which is totally fine. What's not fine is refusing to let go of the past, and bothering the shit out of everybody they talk to with conversations about their "glory days." If you want to avoid this person, you could pretend you don't recognize them… but their psyche might not be able to handle that, so it's probably best just be nice and pretend you still care about who got what yearbook superlative.
"thanksgiving break is the best bc everyone from high school comes back and you get to see how much their lives went to shit"
— karesha levenoskie (@Leven_Karissa) November 24, 2016
Maybe he just barely beat you to the top spot in your class, maybe he broke your best friend's heart, or maybe he's just a jackass. I'm pretty sure it's one of the rules of the Universe that if you go home, you will run into your high school nemesis, probably while you're walking your dog and she's taking a particularly nasty shit. He'll drive by you in his Range Rover, honk at you and yell your name, then laugh when you get scared. Take comfort in the fact that he's probably balding.
The friend who you low-key hate
Time might heal some wounds, but it can also give you a fresh perspective on certain relationships, like that one friend you never actually got along with. Honestly, she always got on your nerves, but everybody else liked her so much that she ended up in the friend group anyway and you couldn't even talk shit. Catch her rolling up to the bar after you specifically didn't invite her because one of your snake-ass friends tipped her off.
The neighbor who wants you to marry her son
You can't avoid her because she literally lives next door to you, and boy is she ever excited to see you! She won't stop talking about how beautiful and mature you are… at least, not until she brings up how well her Davey is doing on his college applications, and what a handsome young man he's growing up to be, and how he could totally use your advice on the admissions process if you have some time this weekend? First of all, you used to babysit him so that's gross and he looks like Matty B Raps. Hard pass. Make up some excuse about having a ton of homework and only leave the house under the cover of darkness.
thankful for thanksgiving break 😂 pic.twitter.com/M9UurULcME
— MattyBRaps (@MattyBRaps) November 19, 2017
The girl whose house you threw up in once
Look, she's the one who decided to host the prom afterparty. But that doesn't really change the fact that you threw up all over this girl's guest bathroom, ruined her parents's fancy Crate and Barrel bath mat, and then never saw her again. You can try to make a joke about the incident, since it was technically a while ago, but she's definitely not going to laugh. Awkward!
The childhood best friend you've lost touch with
You guys were totally inseparable… when you were 8-year-olds. But now that you're actual adults with nuanced likes and dislikes, you don't really talk anymore. In fact, you were basically only friends because your mom liked to hang out with her mom, who you're going to run into at the same time, probably at a grocery store. You'll get trapped in an awkward conversation with them for at least half an hour. Her mom will probably say something passive-aggressive about your major and your former friend will, to her credit, get really embarrassed.
Just like a wishbone
— Flirt (@1MeLrO) November 19, 2017
The old crush
You liked him before got rid of his skater bangs, and now he's tastier than ever. You'll see him when you're like five drinks in at the local dive bar and get way too excited. Like, you're gonna yell. And then, five minutes into the conversation, he'll casually drop the fact that he's got a girlfriend back at school. Fuck. Bonus points if she looks kind of like you. Extra bonus points of you try to take him home anyway.
The girl you kinda stalked
She was a year or two older than you and she was painfully cool. You probably met her in photography class or on the staff of your school's literary magazine, where she complimented your work once, and you were smitten from that point forward. She wore leggings as pants soyou wore leggings as pants, and you still consider her to be a choice like on Instagram. You obsessed over her profile pictures and practically shed a tear when she finally posted her prom album. You'll see her from afar at Barnes and Noble or in a cool coffee shop, but you'll be too scared to go up and say hi.
The teacher whose friend request you ignored
Ugh, you just had to go jogging near your old high school campus, didn't you? Look who also works out around here: your faintly creepy chemistry teacher whose friend request you never accepted. It's not just that you don't want him to see pictures of you partying with your new friends or studying abroad — you didn't want to see his pictures either. If you're really desperate to escape, pretend your period just started. It worked in class, fingers crossed that it still works now!
“Hey stranger, I’m home for Thanksgiving break, let’s-“ pic.twitter.com/vYw8YSZ0iV
— sen 🐒 (@Senzz_) November 20, 2017
The flakiest member of your high school clique
Did she let anybody else in the friend group know that she'd be home for Thanksgiving? Absolutely not. Is she going to act ecstatic when you guys run into each other in Urban Outfitters on Black Friday? 100 percent yes. You guys will have an amazing ten minute conversation, during which you remember exactly why you all liked her so much, and then she'll ghost you for the rest of the break when you try to make plans. Don't take it too personally, because that's totally not how she means it. She likes staying home, eating her parents's food and binging on Netflix more than hanging out with anybody, not just you!
The nerd who got hot
Ow ow! Mr. or Ms. National Honor Society has truly glowed up, and now you probably feel a little bad for making fun of the way they ran in gym class. You'll only technically run into this person on Tinder when you swipe right in awe. It's not gonna be a match, and that's probably what you deserve.
Elon Musk didn’t have a 47th birthday party, LMS if u cried :-(
This is the saddest story you will read in 2018
by Nian Hu
I hope you're ready for the most depressing, heartbreaking story you will read this year. This is a tragedy that far outstrips all of the stories about neo-Nazis, school shootings, and deportations.Are you ready? Here we go: Elon Musk didn't have a 47th birthday party. Poor, poor Elongated Muskrat. My heart simply breaks for him.…
Your fave is probably as asshole! Here’s a master list of rude celebrity encounters
Dr Phil might have a skrong dick but HE is a complete dick
by Harry Shukman
An ocean of tea is being spilled on this delicious thread about people's worst encounters with celebs. Regular human beings are dishing on their encounters with everyone famous from Mariah Carey (nobody is allowed to make eye contact with her) to Leonardo DiCaprio (flicked a cig at wait staff) to Hillary Swank ("pretentious bitch"). Check…
Let’s talk about my weirdest obsession: The Purge and who would survive it
Knowing who would live is my greatest gift
by Amanda Ross
You know that John Waters quote emblazoned on weed-rank tote bags carried by NYU kids all over town? It’s like, “If you go home with someone and they don’t have books, don’t fuck them?” (Awful advice btw illiteracy is the wave for 2018, trust me). My version of that is The Purge. You know, that…