Someone just dropped the n-word in front of you — here’s what to do

Once the n-word is said, it's often accompanied by total silence.

But it’s what we fill this silence with that matters most. Confronting friends, family, and colleagues about anything at all can be difficult, let alone declaring what someone can or cannot say — but it can be one of the most important choices that you make.

A comfortable setting is the last place you expect to hear the n-word. When Emerson College senior Lily Rugo heard her professor say it, she tried to fight through the shock.

“I’d had this professor before. He’s actually one of my favorites,” she says. But she struggled to find the right words. She knew she had to act, and soon.

Rugo decided to speak her mind. “I said, ‘It’s been a weird class. You shouldn’t have said the n-word,’” Then the rest of the class went on to have a discussion about how it shouldn’t be used. “He genuinely apologized, and let us go early,” says Rugo.

This isn't a one-off experience, either. It happens way too often. When it inevitably happens to you, here's how to handle it:

Are you an ally? You might have a personal responsibility to speak up

Allyship is a difficult part to play, but it creates a more comfortable world for everyone. “I feel like if you’re going to be an ally, that’s what you do,” Rugo says. “Even if you don’t want to do it in public, sending an email or talking afterwards is still saying something.”

To her and many others, silence is not an option. “You have to do it. And if they’re really your friends, they’ll understand,” she urges.

Pick your battles carefully

When you fight fire, you have to prepare to get burned. Professor Jabari Asim, the author of “The N-Word: Who Can Say It, Who Shouldn't, and Why,” warns us to tread with caution and only call out people you know rather than strangers as there's always a possibility of violence.

It might not be worth the risk to put yourself in danger, Asim says. In pursuit of a better world, we might have to go outside our comfort zone.

Don't immediately turn to a Black person

Don’t be that person who puts people of color on the spot. Just…don’t. You’re not helping. “Don’t single out the only black kid and ask him how he feels about it,” Rugo says. One person of color does not act as the representative for an entire race. It’s not a good look.

Context is an ongoing debate…

We all have our own opinions about language use. It’s hard to find the right answer, and we can’t bubble in A, B, or C for every single situation.

Asim says that context matters when it comes to slur use. Although general use is almost always inappropriate, a song title might warrant a pass in his opinion.

“I'm not an absolutist," he says. "I don't think any words should be banned, including the n-word." However, not everyone feels like he does, or like you may. Take that into consideration, and be calm about explaining your side of things.

…but when in doubt, just don't say it — OK?

I personally don’t like it when people say the n-word at all. Not to friends, not in music, not for anything. I’m of the philosophy that “if you’re not Black, just take it back.” If you get called out for using the n-word by POC, just say sorry. It’s a bad word, with a bad history — bottom line. It’s really hard to justify.

“One can't directly engage racism and the particular racist history of the United States without addressing and confronting the racist language that has accompanied the events of our past and present.” Asim says.

Question their true intentions

As the greatest philosopher of our time Hannah Montana once said, “Everyone makes mistakes.” Although I'm not gonna lie — the n-word is a huge "mistake." Try and keep calm.

Dr. Deborah Plummer of the University of Massachusetts is currently working on a book called “Some Of My Friends Are…”, which is described as a commentary on adult cross-racial friendships. Plummer has been researching the topic since 1999, and thinks the solution may be found in slowing down for a second.

“Always pause and ask questions instead of listening for rebuttal.” she says. “Things like, ‘What did you mean by that?’ and ‘When you said this, it had this impact on me.’ Create a dialogue.” she says.

Her recommendation provokes conversation, and could diffuse a possible situation of hostility. Plummer also mentions that if a friend says something that makes you uncomfortable, it makes sense to treat it as a violation of trust. And like you would with any other piece of broken trust in a friendship, speaking up is allowed.

Can't handle a face-to-face? Ask for help

It’s honestly pretty hard to look someone in the eye and say, “You’re racist.” It can be really scary. But the way you communicate to the offender doesn’t have to be face-to-face. Many colleges have bias response programs that allow people to report incidents anonymously, and the same goes for workplace HR. While some request a formal recording of the instance, others just want a forum to talk it out.

Never compromise your values, though

Another sentiment to keep in mind when trying to boost your bravery is that conflict may occur, but for good reason. Dr. Sylvia Spears of Emerson College's Office of Diversity says that “while people may have the right to express hurtful sentiments, we must retain the right to explain to them that their language is harmful to other people.” Spears says. The idea of a right to this choice is powerful.

Although this generation seems to be more woke than our parents, we still have to work hard at being allies.

But for Dr. Sylvia Spears of Emerson College's Office of Diversity, talking to those closest to us is the best way to commit to doing the right thing. “If we can't speak honestly with our friends, then that friendship may not be as strong as we think.

Any friendship that causes you to compromise your values is not a friendship worth having.” she says. And she’s right! What good is a racist friend, anyway?

Related stories recommended by this writer:

● A brief history of the word 'yaaaaaasss'

● This video shows a group of Victoria's Secret models saying the n-word

● 27 things you'll only know if you grew up black in the suburbs