If you aren’t treating your period week like the best part of the month, you’re living life completely wrong
It’s literally an excuse to do whatever you want
I know 2016 was supposed to be the Year Of Realizing Things, but I don't think I made the most important discovery of my life until a few months ago. And now that I've finally awoken from this primordial sleep to see the truth, I'm here to enlighten you too.
Your period should be the best part of your month.
I'm not saying this in an empowered feminist way, either. This is from a purely selfish standpoint here. When you're on your period, the universe is on your side. It's some higher power giving us a pass to act on our most animalistic impulses with virtually zero consequences. I know it sounds dramatic, but stick with me here:
Your period is your sexual peak
That almost-uncomfortably-turned-on feeling you've got all week? Yeah, that's a biological thing, not a response to the uptick in black-and-white Tumblr porn blogs you started following (you're not slick, I see you).
Not only are you the horniest on your period, but it's also when you're most sexually satisfied. If you're not already taking advantage of period sex, let me Big Sister this for you: it's easy and literally mess freee if you're using the right stuff. Pop this Flex disc in instead of a tampon and don't think about it.
Seriously, it's the key to totally clean period sex because it catches all the liquid stuff and you don't have to do that whole run-to-the-bathroom-to-yank-out-your-tampon thing before you hook up, either. Plus! Bonus Jonas: It's way harder to get pregnant on your period so…still use a condom but no judgements if you "forget."
Flex discs are a new period product designed for women, by women which completely replace tampons. Check out Flex's 3 month trial box and try the disposable menstrual disc trusted by more than 200,000 women!
You're at your hottest while menstruating, scientifically
Yeah, that's science talking. You're about to be at your most fertile (lol I know, I know) which means dudes are quite literally programmed to pay more attention to you. The PMS acne has subsided, the first-day bloat is gone, and you're glowing to the gods. Not to mention you're giving off like a pheromone-scent thing that someone should just bottle as a perfume already. I'd buy it and pay for rush shipping.
Why not take complete advantage of this fact and go out every single night of period week? Really, all you need in your purse is like one of those multi-purpose lip-cheek-eye sticks and a Flex disc (because fuck tampons) to keep you going through the whole night. Leave your credit card at home and make the randoms pay for you — worst case, you've already got Uber on your phone.
There's no better time to be totally self-indulgent
Other, more with-it countries are starting to give women leave during their periods. And while we're not exactly there yet, there's nothing except the threat of crippling poverty stopping you from just taking that time off on your own and staying in bed all day. If nature has to force you to deal with one extra bodily fluid per month, might as well treat yourself and watch 83 seasons of Catfish from the comfort of your Lush-bathbomb-filled tub.
With strategy, planning, and a little preservation, you can stay horizontal all damn day. Step one: appropriate apps must be downloaded. Seamless for food, Netflix for entertainment, Tinder for boredom and compliments. Load them all in your iWhatever for the day ahead. Put in a Flex disc so you don't have that cotton-y tampon feeling, and settle the hell in. Maybe write "just come in and bring it to me" in the special instructions section of your Dominos order — I don't know, get creative.
Flex is wearable for up to 12 hours, which means just two changes a day and no more worrying about leaks or changes when you're out and about. Find out more about how to order a $15 trial box containing 24 disc for your next 3 period cycles.
It's an excuse to eat whatever you want
Just maybe the single greatest thing about your period is that it's the perfect guise to just blow whatever diet you've been sticking to for the other 25 days of the month. Use this opportunity to buy weird shit, too. Buy a birthday sheetcake regardless of the day of your actual birth, you beautiful fraud! Make fried chicken using like, Cheeto dust or something! There are literally no rules except for the imaginary ones imposed by society that we all follow under pain of social death. And like, the law.
And what's more, you can just wear athleisure to disguise any possible pizza-bloat and it'll still be a #lewk. Can you imagine anything more cozy than an overpriced Champion x Urban Outfitters hoodie and your IKEA loveseat? Put in a Flex disc and you might not have to move out of your food coma all day — they're so comfortable you might actually forget you're period-ing, period. Just stay wrapped up in your No More Parties In LA hoodie and veg. If it works for Kylie, it can work for you, right? Yeah, probably not but you have period permission.
You can act like a crazy person and blame it on biology
Finally, we come to my favorite part of this whole week-long festival. The excuse of all excuses. You know how it's totally sexist and terrible when you're assertive and a guy is like, "What, are you on your period or something?" Yeah, well we're reclaiming that. Now, feel free to go off on your boyfriend or coworker or shitbag who bodychecked you on the sidewalk because they were too busy Angry Birding to look where they were going.
Listen, I'm not a lawyer, but I'm pretty sure there's a legal loophole in which you can literally do anything you want to someone but not be held accountable because of your period. Or something.
Cosmopolitan said: "Flex's noble mission is to make it possible for women everywhere to have sex every day of the month." Watch Flex's founders explain how it works: