When did everyone’s aesthetic suddenly become ‘mystical tarot reader?’
You’re not a witch for knowing your star sign
Look, I’ll admit it, I’m a Gemini and I’m proud. I’ve memorized my full astrological chart (I’m a rising Cancer, so chill out), I request the birth times of guys I’m dating to compare their signs to my own, and yet I’m always asking myself, “Have I taken this too far?”
Even a star sign dabbler like myself knows that basic knowledge of the Zodiac hardly scratches the surface, but recently it feels like everyone on Instagram is a full blown tarot-reading psychic. If you’re like me and aren’t actually on that level, you don’t deserve the Leo emoji in your bio.
You don’t need a night in for ‘self reflection’
Oh, it’s a new moon? I thought it was just another Friday without friends or plans, but apparently it’s an important lunar phase here to help us expel toxic energy from our lives.
Who even are you if you aren’t posting about the latest astrological event with a collection of herbs for your cleansing ritual, captioned, “witchy vibes”? I love a good candlelit bath as much as the next girl, but I didn’t realize a night in would require me to chant affirmations to my “inner goddess.”
Uhm, please universe, give my soul the strength to not text back my ex or order Thai food delivery for a fourth time this week?
I’m pretty sure you can’t actually read tarot cards
Those tarot decks are super dope looking and I definitely got an eerily SPOT ON reading from a medium in New Orleans once, but none of us are allowed to pretend like we actually know anything about any of this.
Drinking wine and arranging cards into an asymmetrical shape whilst Googling the shit out of them and snapping an Insta is definitely offensive to people who actually can read, and will not help us to find deeper meaning in our lives — just a few likes on the gram.
Trust me, we’ve all been there, but enlightened card readers of the universe we are not.
Your crystal/plant obsession is freaking innocent people out
Your apartment doesn’t need to be a full on blend of Buddhist temple and Voodoo shop for people to enjoy spending time with you in it.
I’ll confess, I have ONE seated lotus Buddha statue and some tiny crystals in my room because they look cool, not because I actually think they have calming energy. If I have to knock over a pile of amethysts in your bathroom just to get to the sink faucet, nobody is going to feel more at ease.
Giving drunken advice does not make you a psychic
After getting super messed up at a party I was once told quite earnestly to wear someone’s pendant around my neck because the stone would keep me grounded while I came down from my high.
But what ever happened to chugging water and going on a good old McDonald’s run? I don’t need grounding, I need a Big Mac and a double order of fries.
Whether you’re a social media mystic, or a zodiac dabbler like myself, allow yourself to enjoy these first few days of Sagittarius season, and then please look into what the fuck that actually means.
This site will tell you if any shitbag men are associated with your favorite TV shows and movies
So you know what to remove from your ‘things to watch’
by Ari Bines
I'm a no-life kinda gal, which means I spend a huge chunk of my dull weekends catching up on shows I missed. But after that massive slew of actors and execs were exposed showing their weird-looking dicks to women, I want to know who's behind the curtain of my entertainment, too. Luckily, a team of…
Your weekly love horoscopes are here, and they’re actually all pretty good
Solid time to be an Aries
by Caroline Phinney
Sorry to bum you out, but this week is a really good one to (cringes) bunker down and get shit done. Trust me, this isn't the horoscope I wanted either — but it's important to lay the groundwork before the holidays are in full-swing and you've got nothing to worry about other than which high…
It looks like Rihanna is engaged, I’m so excited that I’m having an out-of-body experience
Fenty by Vera Wang??????
by Katie Way
Rihanna was photographed walking around in New York City sporting her most outrageous accessory yet — a large, diamond ring on her left ring finger. We already know what the fuck is going on: Ms. Fenty might just be engaged to Hassan Jameel, the Saudi billionaire she was spotted making out with in a pool…