After I cure my depression, master my skincare routine and obliterate the wage gap, it’s over for you hoes!!!
Just a short list of minor obstacles
Everybody has that one teeny tiny thing standing between them and utter success. You're so close to blowing all these other girls out of the water.
Maybe you could stand to be a little more motivated. Maybe you only date douchebags. Maybe you just need to leave the house every once and a while — we get it. Here's a short, comprehensive list of things you've gotta do before you unlock your full glo-up and bring your competition to their knees.
Sure, it's not great to pit women against each other, but there's nothing wrong with being ambitious, right? Time to end it for these hoes, right after you…
Get a handle on your mental health
Whether it's through talk therapy, medication, or breaking self-destructive behavioral patterns, if you want to really grab life by the dick then you should get your mental health in order first. It just makes sense, you know?
Stop trying to fuck unavailable middle-aged men
First of all, it doesn't count as "salt and pepper" if he's got like, five brown hairs left, and second of all he's never gonna take you seriously because you don't know how to do your taxes and he's already been divorced like, twice. Leave your friend's hot dad, your World Lit professor and the men you match with on Tinder when your settings are 40-55+ ALONE!
Go outside, actually
Drag yourself out of bed and back into the real world and watch other "socialites" crumble. Those motherfuckers at the kickback won't even know what hit them when you roll up (stoned and two hours late) looking like a whole snack with your second-day hair and all black outfit. Nobody has to know that they're technically jeggings, or that you still actually own jeggings.
Get into arts and crafts
An Etsy store can be an excellent source of revenue, and crafting can be soothing as shit. Roll up to the function in a customized dad cap and watch the compliments pour in. Leave Martha Stewart gagging.
Start wearing your retainer again
Don't lie — you know your bottom teeth are fucking busted now. Your parents did not dish out thousands of dollars for you to stash that thing in the back of your closet and let your whole jaw realign itself to pre-puberty levels of fucked up. Dig that thing out from whatever dark corner it's been pushed into and jam it on your teeth as soon as possible. Just keep telling yourself pain is beauty, because that shit is about to hurt so fucking much.
Practice some radical self-care
If girls on Tumblr get to say that looking out of a window while holding a mug is self-care, then anything fucking goes. Put a Gucci belt on your mom's credit card, flip off a bouncer and prosper accordingly.
Orchestrate Bobby Shmurda's escape from prison
Free my guy, that's all I've gotta say.
Change everything about your face and body
Once every single one of your physical flaws disappears, there will be nothing standing between you and total world domination. Prince Harry will dump Meghan Markle for you, Beyoncé will invite you to her next birthday party and Donald Trump will resign, citing your reply tweet to him as the reason he finally saw the light. Congratulations, queen!
Become a totally different person
Sometimes, you gotta wait until the next karmic cycle swings around to really and truly glo the fuck up and stunt. If it feels like it's just not gonna happen for you in this lifetime, don't sweat it — better luck next time!
Transcend the physical realm completely
Discard your weak, mortal form and become a being of pure energy. Tap into the secrets of the whirring, ever-expanding universe and use them to make yourself even more powerful. Commune with the gods and recreate this plane of existence in your own image. That'll show the haters!
The rules of 2019 have already been decided and there’s nothing we can do about it
People are already mad
by Caroline Phinney
I feel kind of bad for 2019 because people are already mad at it and it hasn't even started. It's like when you get with someone following a breakup and you're already assuming they're cheating on and lying to you, because why would anyone ever be genuine? How can you blame us though? Even if…
An Instagram influencer told us how to travel the world for free (or at least cheap AF)
Fine, I’m the Instagram influencer
by Nian Hu
So everyone's always asking me how I'm able to afford all of my many, many glamorous vacations to exotic destinations like Thailand and Greece. The answer, of course, is that I'm chronically broke and I literally wear the same three shirts over and over again. Now there's a solid money-saving hack! But another part of…
‘Inhumane and depressing’: Skoop describes the worst prison lockdown she’s ever experienced
‘They will fuck your whole cell up’
by Skoop Hernandez
Skoop is babe.net’s prison correspondent. She’s currently incarcerated in SCI-Muncy, a maximum security women’s prison in Pennsylvania. She loves flirting, cooking and trap music. She’s also a writer and she sends her columns to us by letter. Her nickname, as she likes to say, is Skoop because she scoops up all the girls. She’s here…