After I cure my depression, master my skincare routine and obliterate the wage gap, it’s over for you hoes!!!
Just a short list of minor obstacles
by Katie Way
Everybody has that one teeny tiny thing standing between them and utter success. You're so close to blowing all these other girls out of the water.
Maybe you could stand to be a little more motivated. Maybe you only date douchebags. Maybe you just need to leave the house every once and a while — we get it. Here's a short, comprehensive list of things you've gotta do before you unlock your full glo-up and bring your competition to their knees.
Sure, it's not great to pit women against each other, but there's nothing wrong with being ambitious, right? Time to end it for these hoes, right after you…
Get a handle on your mental health
once my mental stabilty returns from war it’s over for you bitches
— adam (@brokeangeI) November 18, 2017
once i defeat the chemical imbalance in my brain, its over for you hoes
— indie (@INDIEWASHERE) November 26, 2017
Whether it's through talk therapy, medication, or breaking self-destructive behavioral patterns, if you want to really grab life by the dick then you should get your mental health in order first. It just makes sense, you know?
Stop trying to fuck unavailable middle-aged men
once i resolve my daddy issues it’s over for you bitches
— shy hoe (@nina_del_sur) October 20, 2017
First of all, it doesn't count as "salt and pepper" if he's got like, five brown hairs left, and second of all he's never gonna take you seriously because you don't know how to do your taxes and he's already been divorced like, twice. Leave your friend's hot dad, your World Lit professor and the men you match with on Tinder when your settings are 40-55+ ALONE!
Go outside, actually
once i finally work up the courage to get out of bed and socialize it's over for you bitches
— whom (@thickestangel) November 26, 2017
Drag yourself out of bed and back into the real world and watch other "socialites" crumble. Those motherfuckers at the kickback won't even know what hit them when you roll up (stoned and two hours late) looking like a whole snack with your second-day hair and all black outfit. Nobody has to know that they're technically jeggings, or that you still actually own jeggings.
Get into arts and crafts
once I learn how to embroider it's over for you hoes
— brady (@macbrady) July 28, 2017
An Etsy store can be an excellent source of revenue, and crafting can be soothing as shit. Roll up to the function in a customized dad cap and watch the compliments pour in. Leave Martha Stewart gagging.
Start wearing your retainer again
Once I start wearing my retainer and I hit this glow up it's over for you hoes
— clai (@cIaiborne) March 4, 2017
Don't lie — you know your bottom teeth are fucking busted now. Your parents did not dish out thousands of dollars for you to stash that thing in the back of your closet and let your whole jaw realign itself to pre-puberty levels of fucked up. Dig that thing out from whatever dark corner it's been pushed into and jam it on your teeth as soon as possible. Just keep telling yourself pain is beauty, because that shit is about to hurt so fucking much.
Practice some radical self-care
once i do my four loko enema it’s over for you hoes
— megan (@gookcity) November 27, 2017
If girls on Tumblr get to say that looking out of a window while holding a mug is self-care, then anything fucking goes. Put a Gucci belt on your mom's credit card, flip off a bouncer and prosper accordingly.
Orchestrate Bobby Shmurda's escape from prison
once bobby shmurda is released from prison in 2021 it’s over for you hoes
— jazmin (@parkerconnan) November 12, 2017
Free my guy, that's all I've gotta say.
Change everything about your face and body
When I get money for plastic surgery it's over for you bitches
— Lourissa 🇲🇽 (@lourissaalayza) November 26, 2017
Once my skin clears up, I lose 10 pounds, shave my legs, learn how to properly do my eyeshadow, get a whole new wardrobe, comb my hair, and become mentally stable it's over for you hoes
— alyssa (@classiciloveit) November 12, 2017
Once every single one of your physical flaws disappears, there will be nothing standing between you and total world domination. Prince Harry will dump Meghan Markle for you, Beyoncé will invite you to her next birthday party and Donald Trump will resign, citing your reply tweet to him as the reason he finally saw the light. Congratulations, queen!
Become a totally different person
once i reincarnate as a whole new person it's over for you bitches
— bring msn back (@plantsluvr) November 21, 2017
Sometimes, you gotta wait until the next karmic cycle swings around to really and truly glo the fuck up and stunt. If it feels like it's just not gonna happen for you in this lifetime, don't sweat it — better luck next time!
Transcend the physical realm completely
As soon as I abandon my corporeal form it’s over for you hoes
— zach (@gnomesdotcom) November 16, 2017
Discard your weak, mortal form and become a being of pure energy. Tap into the secrets of the whirring, ever-expanding universe and use them to make yourself even more powerful. Commune with the gods and recreate this plane of existence in your own image. That'll show the haters!
Here’s your complete 2018 horoscope
New year, new you, new love
by Caroline Phinney
2018 opens with a Mars/Jupiter conjunction in Scorpio, so it'll be the most energetic year we've had in a long time. And with energy comes the stamina to deal with all the romantic and emotional bullshit that'll come along with it.This will also be a year of progress and going after things we're afraid of,…
This is not satire: I 100 percent believe Jake Paul will be the president before we die
It’s Paul/Paul 2028, bro!
by Katie Way
I'm as happy as anybody else that a known pedophile didn't manage to snag a seat in Congress last night, but honestly, the American political sphere is still beyond fucked. Donald Trump, the star of a reality TV that wasn't even popular outside of a brief, crazy time in like, 2004 has been the president…
I asked finance bros on The League to explain Bitcoin to me
They were NOT helpful
by Katie Way
Bitcoin! It's everywhere, and I'm not totally sure what it is. I don't want to name names, but a fellow babe writer thought it was the currency from Farmville until like, yesterday. So that's where our newsroom is at in terms of the cryptocurrency wave. When I don't understand something, I usually try to do…