Here’s your weekly love and sex horoscope — and it’s the last promising one for a while

If you're one of those freaks who thinks the week starts on Sunday, then this is the last week before Mercury enters retrograde for the final time in 2017. Everybody else, stay on your toes — you've only got six days to get down and dirty before text messages start getting "lost," DTR convos are completely out of the question and chaos reigns.

Check out what this week has in store before everything falls apart!

ARIES

Passionate, feisty Aries, this week you've gotta re-examine the romantic path you're heading down.

Put your heart's desires to the side for once and listen to the voice of reason you push to the back of your mind. I know you love to let your emotions take the reigns, but those little red flags you've been taking note of and trying to brush aside? If you don't slow down, they'll blossom into something much, much worse.

Try making a list of pros and cons list. It will definitely clear up some shit.

TAURUS

This week, be prepared for something spicy and spontaneous. Lucky you!

Whether you've got a long-term boo or you're playing the field, expect the unexpected and expect to love it. Sometimes you find yourself stuck in a pattern — same position, same type of fuckboy, whatever — which can be comforting but can also be boooooring.

Now's the time to break the mold and fuck outside the box.

GEMINI

This week is for spilling your guts, Gemini.

And I know, that's every week for you, but this time it'll actually work out. Communication is generally one of your strengths even outside of the bedroom, but right now it's the key to getting exactly what you want.

Expect a positive response, or at the very least the kind of a response that'll have a positive impact on your life in the long term.

CANCER

Good news, Cancer: this week, your period of pining is coming to a close.

You've been fantasizing about someone from afar for so long that you're practically a virgin again, but that's about to screech to a halt in the sexiest possible way. You might not even have to do that much work — just throw on that sexy new top you nabbed during the ASOS Black Friday sale and let the magic happen.

Just… try not to feel too much too fast, okay?

LEO

This week is all about self-love for Leos, mostly because you're not going to be getting it from anyone else.

You know you're the shit, but for whatever reason people just aren't feeling you like they should be. Don't let this dent your (high, high) self-esteem: it's not you, it's the stars. My advice? Invest in something silicon with like, at least three speeds and entertain yourself this week.

Who has time for other people's wrong opinions anyway?

VIRGO

This week, you have to let yourself be vulnerable.

Virgos aren't usually the type to "let people in," but right now, waist-deep in cuffing season, the time is right to let down your guard a little bit. You'll be surprised at how much emotional intimacy will improve the physical chemistry.

You've got a lot of sexy eye contact in your future sessions, and I'm jealous!

LIBRA

This week, it's time to let go.

You're the type to rationalize any uncontrollable emotions, to the point where you bury your instincts completely for the sake of logic. But right now, sweet Libra, is not the time to take your feelings lightly. Simply put, when you know, you know.

And you know it's time to kick someone awful, or at least awful for you, to the curb.

SCORPIO

This week, you have to chill out. I know, it's hard for you, but I'm serious.

In typical Scorpio fashion, you're taking a hot little impulse and running wild with it with no regard for who or what you leave in your wake. If you don't cut the shit ASAP, it's gonna come back and bite you in the ass big time.

If you don't wanna be doomed to a No-Dick December, you need to calm down! Now!

SAGITTARIUS

It's your season, Sagittarius, but that doesn't mean this week is great for your love life.

Expect a cold shoulder from a certain someone new, but take this opportunity to tie up some loose ends. Taking a little trip down memory lane will be particularly fruitful this week. I guess what I'm saying is: don't just text your ex. Text your exes.

Being back on your bullshit this week will pull you out of a rut.

CAPRICORN

This week, give into your worst impulses.

Capricorns tend to place a particularly high value on status, which a lot of other signs look down on, but who cares — go for somebody that your less motivated friends would call "out of your league." Leagues are for people with no imagination.

When you reach for the stars, you might just get a guy with model cheekbones to eat you out. That's how that quote goes, right?

AQUARIUS

This week, don't be afraid to get weird. Redundant, I know.

You know that guy who you think is hot as hell, even though all of your friends say his mole is "disgusting" or the fact that he only owns one pair of pants is "gross"? Send him a tit pic! You know better than anybody else that a freak in the streets in a freak in the sheets.

Indulge your gross crush, then kiss and tell!

PISCES

This week, you should be demanding a well-deserved apology.

Whether some Neanderthal groped you in the club or your pseudo-boyfriend isn't doing what it takes to make you cum, it's time for you to let the boys know that you're mad as hell and you're not gonna put up with the bullshit anymore.

The catharsis will be great, and the fuckboys will fall in line accordingly.

@k80way