Proof that Melania Trump is actually a MySpace Scene Queen looking for escape and/or a trip to Hot Topic


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Proof that Melania Trump is actually a MySpace Scene Queen looking for escape and/or a trip to Hot Topic

Free her!

Melania Trump is a polarizing figure with high cheekbones, a narcissistic husband with unimaginable power and a broken brain, and a sense of despair so palpable from her online presence alone that I feel sorry for her on a regular basis.

There are a lot of reasons why Melania might be so desperately unhappy. She's married to an ugly racist, she had to move from Manhattan to Washington, D.C., and she has to pretend to care about bullying even though it's like, super obvious that she doesn't give a fuck about it.

Vanity Fair even published a profile on Melania that included a quote from a longtime friend about how upset Melania is about her husband's presidential victory. "“This isn’t something she wanted and it isn’t something he ever thought he’d win.” Yikes!

But I think Melania's aforementioned crazy social media presence holds to the true key to her sadness: she's just a MySpace scene queen trapped in the life and body of the First Lady of the United States and she is yearning to be freed.

Exhibit A: Her makeup aesthetic

If there's one thing in this world Melania loves besides her thicc son Barron (and there probably only is like one other thing), it's heavy eye makeup. This propensity is so well-documented on her personal Twitter account that she even made her banner picture an up-close shot of her piercing baby blues.

You know who else loves a bold, dark eye palette? Scene girls, who've layered on pencil liner like there was no fucking tomorrow from the early 00s onward. Melania has too many people in her circle, carefully curating her image, to go full raccoon-eye, but you can totally tell that's what she's going for.

The similarities are positively uncanny. Melania is one Monroe lip piercing away from DMing the guys from 3OH!3 and getting free tickets to the final iteration of Warped Tour.

Exhibit B: Her design sensibilities

As First Lady, Melania was tasked with decorating the White House for Christmas. And while she obviously didn't do any of the actual decorating herself (can you imagine Melania doing physical labor???), her scene girl fingerprints are all over the resulting winter hellscape.

The fact that, as one Twitter user pointed out, Scene Icon Jack Skellington fits into Melania's Hallway of Horror so seamlessly is an undeniable sign that she not only knows Brokencyde's deep cuts, she would actually get offended if you confused crunkcore with screamo.

Exhibit C: Her love of kawaii animals

The only time Melania seems to be truly at peace is when she interacts with animals, who are pure beings, unaware of their own mortality and oblivious to the fact that Melania's husband has been accused of sexual assault by sixteen different women.

Most recently, Melania was photographed visiting with a panda bear in China, smiling in a way that almost reaches her eyes. It's no small coincidence that Hot Topic, every scene queen's favorite mall destination, sells a wide variety of panda merchandise.

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I bet Barron is asking for that panda head for Christmas.

Exhibit D: Her overt despair

Like many scene queens, Melania clearly struggles to connect with the people around her. Look at the way she's staring at those ballerinas in this video captured on Monday, like Kiki Kannibal dead-eyeing cheerleaders at a compulsory pep rally.

It's clear that Melania feels misunderstood and isolated, but instead of the other girls in her grade who play field hockey and wear Uggs (skank uniform, am I right!?), she's alone among the gaggle of white supremacists and straight-up idiots who her husband surrounds himself with.

No matter how many body doubles her husband hires, Melania will never be truly happy until she can pierce her septum and dye her hair dark, neon, and striped all at the same time.

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Melania's dream look.


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