I’m pretty sure Beyoncé is broke, and there’s evidence to back me up
by Katie Way
When Beyoncé unexpectedly appeared on the remix of Mi Gente with J. Balvin and Willy William, I was pleasantly surprised to receive an updated banger with a fire-ass verse from the Queen Bey herself.
Then, she released "Walk on Water" with Eminem, which Rolling Stone called an "emotional new ballad" and I called "kind of bad." Sure, she sounds beautiful when she sings the chorus and bridge, because she has the voice of a literal angel.
Beyonce hopping on the biggest trend of the year (Spanish songs) only for it to freefall & then jumping on King of Rap, Eminem’s track only for it to miss the Top 10 & sit at #55 on it’s second week. Now she’s doing a track with Ed Sheeran? Is she the new Nicki Minaj? pic.twitter.com/tkRzZg7U5q
— jenna (@perfillusion) November 30, 2017
But the track isn't really what I want from either of them, and both times I listened to it I couldn't stop thinking about Eminem's shitty anti-Trump freestyle where he calls the President "orange" like that's still a potent insult.
And now, she's apparently appearing on the remix to Ed Sheeran's song Perfect. On the one hand, this is clearly a huge get for Ed Sheeran, who I firmly believe is a great guy (I know, I know, I'm sorry) and a logical collaboration due to that fact that Beyoncé is perfect.
Ed Sheeran: Got Beyoncé to duet with me on Perfect.
— Alex Goldschmidt (@alexandergold) November 30, 2017
But on the other hand, for Beyoncé, this move seems a teeny bit… desperate, and it's making us seriously wonder if there's something going on that she's not telling us.
After all, Beyoncé is notoriously private. She rarely gives interviews, and has fully transcended the traditional album promotional cycle that most musicians need to psych the public up for her new releases — she's surprise-dropped her last two albums, and fans even theorize there's another one on the way.
So maybe if Beyoncé is having money problems, we'd actually have no idea. After all, raising children is incredibly expensive — according to experts, the first year of a baby's life comes with a $12,000 price tag and it only goes up from there, and Beyoncé just had twins.
ed sheeran and beyonce !? Bey dear the i love you, but the desperation for that #1 is transparent. pic.twitter.com/TtHcGxUH0n
— Jester (@1994_jester) November 30, 2017
Sure, Beyoncé, Jay-Z and Solange Knowles have been referred to by Ms. Carter herself as "a billion dollars in an elevator," but it's not inconceivable that some bad investments could've blown most of that cash.
I for one just want Beyoncé to know that if she asked, millions of her fans would send her money for literally no reason. Like, if Beyoncé posted an Instagram story right now asking for a Crystal Pepsi, I'm pretty sure they'd have to start mass-producing Crystal Pepsi again.
Beyoncé, blink twice if you're broke, OK? You don't need to waste your time dropping verses on the tracks of mediocre white men to tide your family over until your next multi-platinum album. The Hive is here for you!
Who keeps giving Lena Dunham dogs?
Hi, 911? I’d like to report a crime
by Nian Hu
I regret to inform you that in the year 2018 Lena Dunham is somehow still relevant, despite MANY reasons why she should have long faded into obscurity at this point. Aside from being a fake-woke white "feminist" who accuses women of lying about rape and gets mad at black men for not wanting to sleep…
Billboard Charts indicate everyone’s getting dumped this week
We’ve all got that summertime sadness, apparently
by Amanda Ross
According to the Billboard Hot 200, which tracks the best-selling albums in the country in any given week, America is going through it. All I need is a Pharmaceutical Hot 200 to track a spike in Seroquel and Prozac and a Diabetic Hot 200 to show me a sharp increase in Cool Whip sales and…
Watch this man shock his dick off by putting it in an electrical outlet and tell me again why men are in charge of anything
It’s called ‘guy electrocutes his population rod’
by Harry Shukman
If you want to watch a short video of a man putting his dick into an outlet until it shocks him and he howls with pain, then it's your lucky day! Here is that video: Some highlights: – The moment the man thumbs his wang right into the socket– The huge spark of electricity that occurs upon…