I’m pretty sure Beyoncé is broke, and there’s evidence to back me up
by Katie Way
When Beyoncé unexpectedly appeared on the remix of Mi Gente with J. Balvin and Willy William, I was pleasantly surprised to receive an updated banger with a fire-ass verse from the Queen Bey herself.
Then, she released "Walk on Water" with Eminem, which Rolling Stone called an "emotional new ballad" and I called "kind of bad." Sure, she sounds beautiful when she sings the chorus and bridge, because she has the voice of a literal angel.
Beyonce hopping on the biggest trend of the year (Spanish songs) only for it to freefall & then jumping on King of Rap, Eminem’s track only for it to miss the Top 10 & sit at #55 on it’s second week. Now she’s doing a track with Ed Sheeran? Is she the new Nicki Minaj? pic.twitter.com/tkRzZg7U5q
— jenna (@perfillusion) November 30, 2017
But the track isn't really what I want from either of them, and both times I listened to it I couldn't stop thinking about Eminem's shitty anti-Trump freestyle where he calls the President "orange" like that's still a potent insult.
And now, she's apparently appearing on the remix to Ed Sheeran's song Perfect. On the one hand, this is clearly a huge get for Ed Sheeran, who I firmly believe is a great guy (I know, I know, I'm sorry) and a logical collaboration due to that fact that Beyoncé is perfect.
Ed Sheeran: Got Beyoncé to duet with me on Perfect.
— Alex Goldschmidt (@alexandergold) November 30, 2017
But on the other hand, for Beyoncé, this move seems a teeny bit… desperate, and it's making us seriously wonder if there's something going on that she's not telling us.
After all, Beyoncé is notoriously private. She rarely gives interviews, and has fully transcended the traditional album promotional cycle that most musicians need to psych the public up for her new releases — she's surprise-dropped her last two albums, and fans even theorize there's another one on the way.
So maybe if Beyoncé is having money problems, we'd actually have no idea. After all, raising children is incredibly expensive — according to experts, the first year of a baby's life comes with a $12,000 price tag and it only goes up from there, and Beyoncé just had twins.
ed sheeran and beyonce !? Bey dear the i love you, but the desperation for that #1 is transparent. pic.twitter.com/TtHcGxUH0n
— Jester (@1994_jester) November 30, 2017
Sure, Beyoncé, Jay-Z and Solange Knowles have been referred to by Ms. Carter herself as "a billion dollars in an elevator," but it's not inconceivable that some bad investments could've blown most of that cash.
I for one just want Beyoncé to know that if she asked, millions of her fans would send her money for literally no reason. Like, if Beyoncé posted an Instagram story right now asking for a Crystal Pepsi, I'm pretty sure they'd have to start mass-producing Crystal Pepsi again.
Beyoncé, blink twice if you're broke, OK? You don't need to waste your time dropping verses on the tracks of mediocre white men to tide your family over until your next multi-platinum album. The Hive is here for you!
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This is serious
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Archie is a fucking idiot, as usual
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Taylor Swift’s personal army are destroying the congressional candidate she dissed
Marsha Blackburn, buy Reputation, available on iTunes
by Harry Shukman
Since Taylor Swift (Reputation is available for purchase on iTunes) announced her support for the Democrats and trashed the Republican candidate for Senate in Tennessee, her personal army has mobilized. Swifties are coming for Marsha Blackburn, the far-right Congresswoman from Tennessee, who has taken a number of extreme positions on LGBT marriage (hates it), equal…