Your weekly sex and love horoscopes are here — and you’re gonna wanna brace yourself
Damn you, Mercury!
by Katie Way
I almost slept through my alarm this morning and when I went to the bathroom after our daily morning conference, I realized that my shirt was on backwards. It's here, my friends: Mercury is in retrograde and we're all fucked — figuratively and literally.
See what the stars have in store for you for the next seven days, and don't shoot the messenger because it's gonna be a doozy. Featuring illustrations by Lucy Turnbull for babe.
You know all that shit I said last week about making a list?
It's not Christmas yet, so throw that thing away and go with your gut instinct this week, Aries. If you see a hottie eyeing you from across the bar, sling 'em a wink as you head to the bathroom. Give your hot Uber driver your number. Who gives a shit!
Nothing you start right now will pan out to be anything serious, so just have some fun this week. You won't like, toootally regret it.
This week, expect the expected. Snooze, I know, but sometimes predictable is… good?
The special someone you've been fantasizing about is gonna wise up and head in your direction this week, so shave (or don't!) accordingly. It's not gonna play out exactly like you picture it when you're taking a particularly "long shower" or bored in class, but it's gonna be good.
Be sure to play it cool, though. It's too early for it to be cute-not-creepy that you've been thinking about this for weeks.
You've got a reputation for being a little scatter-brained, sweet Gemini, but this week you should be focusing your attention in as many directions as possible.
I don't wanna use the phrase "spray and pray," but I can't really think of anything better so… yeah, now's the time to respond to anyone and everyone, because your next lover who doesn't bore you to death is coming from an unexpected place.
Check your Facebook message requests, girl! You never know!
This week, all of your efforts at genuine connection are gonna go to shit.
You have a lot of feelings, to put it mildly, and so the beginning of Mercury in retrograde is gonna feel particularly disruptive this time around. Avoid serious conversations this week by hooking up with someone you don't have to take seriously.
Try to make sure it's like, a semi-mutual disregard though, okay? The stars are no excuse for being callous.
This week, you're the hot ticket item everybody wants to get their hands on.
It's a Leo's paradise! You ended last week feeling under-appreciated, but now everybody wants a piece of you. This is an excellent week to post that thirst trap you've been sitting on — the more visible nip, the better!
Expect a bunch of flame emojis on anything you 'gram, and a DM from your ex asking you to grab coffee.
Hey, control-freak, this week it's time to experiment with giving up the reins.
You plan so much because you like having things your own way, and if you don't make that happen, who will? But this week, give yourself a break and let somebody else be the boss for once. You'll like exploring your submissive side more than you'd expect.
Just be careful who you let tell you what to do.
This week, it's time to do something totally out of character for you: you've gotta say no to what somebody else wants.
Maybe some fuckboy is asking for anal even though you've told him you hate it, or maybe it's time for you to stop taking somebody else's no for an answer — as in, "no, we're not actually dating, we just see each other five times a week and don't sleep with other people."
Don't hesitate to say "fuck no!" this week, even if you know it's not what the other person wants to hear.
This week, you're gonna get busted, but maybe it'll be good for you.
Scorpios are known for their passion and their love of revenge, but not their loyalty or integrity, and this week some dirty deed that you thought was behind you is coming back to bite you in the ass. Repeat after me: "I'm an idiot, and I'm so so sorry."
Hope fucking some stranger in a bar bathroom while your boyfriend was abroad (or whatever equally sexy/insane stunt you pulled) was worth it!
This week, it's time for you to step your game up.
You're so charismatic that you can usually sit back and let people come to you, but now's the time for you to go the extra mile, for you and your partner. Whether that means climbing on top, initiating a complex role play scenario or finally springing for non-drugstore lube is all up to you.
Everyone appreciates a give-and-take scenario, you know?
This week, you need to find a partner who's ready to tie you down — literally.
Don't get distracted by all of the shiny things in front of you. You're always going to have a lot of options, but for now the best thing for you is to get really tangled up with somebody — literally. Let your lover blindfold you, or bust out the handcuffs. Just make sure you've got a safe word, and you know each others' boundaries.
Mercury in retrograde means you've gotta be on TOP of communication to avoid misunderstandings.
This week, you're gonna find yourself leaning into "normal." Fight it!
You pride yourself on your individuality, but somehow you've fallen into the trap of convention. Snap out of it! Don't call him your boyfriend just because your friends think the time is right, and don't sleep with a guy just because your friends think he's hot!
If you find yourself editing your personality for him, kick his ass to the curb.
This week, it's time to put your feelings on hold for a little while.
You love to romanticize your own suffering, but right now you're just wasting your own time. He's not sending you a secret message with his latest Instagram story — he really is just eating a burrito with his stupid friend Jack. The best way to get over somebody (especially somebody you were never really with in the first place) is to get under somebody new.
So good luck with that!
Bet you can’t tell the difference between Curvy Wife Guy’s book and the Unabomber manifesto
Which awful book did we read?
by Harry Shukman
The 21st Century's number one trickster is Robbie Tripp, aka The Curvy Wife Guy, sometimes called The Thicc Wife Guy. He's the horny weirdo who went viral with a deeply weird Instagram post about his wife: "Her shape and size won't be the one featured on the cover of Cosmopolitan but it's the one featured…
Your weekly horoscopes are here, and they come with a major warning
Things are about to get messy
by Codi Cheyenne
CAUTION: Look out for September 18 as a day full of erratic energy and a desire to rebel thanks to Mars squaring Uranus for the third time this year. If you don’t find a healthy place to release this energy, it’ll most likely turn into stressful conflict that can even physically manifest itself in the…
That weird ‘Curvy Wife Guy’ hates us :(
‘I was often teased for my attraction to girls on the thicker side, ones who were shorter and curvier’
by Harry Shukman
Whoever said heroes come in all shapes and sizes clearly never imagined that one day, The Curvy Wife Guy would come onto this earth and declare himself a martyr for thiccness. Also known as The Thicc Wife Guy, né Robbie Tripp, he first appeared on your timeline with this horny and unsettling post about his…