Jennifer from ‘Jennifer’s Body’ is a feminist icon and if you don’t agree, you need to wake the fuck up
Hell is a teenage girl
by Katie Way
Let's be honest: we failed Megan Fox, and we should all be very sorry about it. We relegated her to sexy prop status in both of the Transformers movies she was in and we all totally slept on her incredible performance in the 2009 horror-comedy Jennifer's Body.
I blame misogyny and the boy run media for all the bad reviews Jennifer’s body got in 2009
— kylie jenner’s fetus (@rihannasgayson) December 4, 2017
Well, no longer. 2017 is almost over, and I for one am bitchier and more bloodthirsty than ever before. It's time we wake up and smell the smoky end of Megan Fox's burning tongue — Jennifer was a fucking feminist icon, and we could all stand to be more like her. Here's why:
She doesn't let her trauma consume her
Jennifer's murder at the hands of four fame-obsessed, Satanic indie rockers, members of the band Low Shoulder, is fucking brutal. Seth Cohen from the OC sings badly to her and then stabs her with a bowie knife repeatedly until she dies, alone and terrified.
And even though she wakes up, covered in blood with a new set of tastes and powers, experiencing something like that has gotta leave a psychological scar. But rather than let her past destroy her, Jennifer comes back and is frankly better than ever. Queen of the rebound!
She uses men like men use women
Jennifer literally consumes men's bodies to nourish herself. When she doesn't feed, she looks like shit, but when she does she looks radiant.
While you could see this as Jennifer depending on men, I think it's a perfect example of her adoption of the same carefree attitude as your run-of-the-mill fuckboy: Jennifer keeps men around as long as they satisfy her and make her look good, and then discards them when she's had her fill. Sound familiar?
She does whatever the fuck she wants
Hot take alert: killing people is bad! But Jennifer doesn't concern herself with stupid shit like the law or morality when she figures out what she's become. A girl's gotta eat, you feel me?
Jennifer could waste her time feeling guilty about what she needs, but instead she embraces herself, fangs and all. Look in the mirror and tell me if you can say the same thing.
She's the absolute queen of the glow-up
Fuck a dressing room montage — if I wanted to see someone take a really long time to try on a bunch of unflattering outfits, I'd go shopping with an insecure 13-year-old.
I'd way rather watch a girl expand her jaw like a snake, rip a boy's throat out, then roll up to class looking like a brand new bitch the next day.
Sure, Jennifer was cute before she became a human sacrifice, but afterwards she didn't just get possessed… she also got dewy skin, shiny hair and the confidence of a professional dominatrix. She didn't just ooze congealed blood. She also oozed sex appeal.
Your wcw watched Jennifer’s Body once and got “succubus” as her occupation on Facebook.
— B (@tropicalmelanin) November 29, 2017
She supports her best friend (kind of)
But looking fine as fuck and knowing it was far from the only thing Jennifer has to offer. She's also a loyal friend to her childhood playmate Needy. Their relationship has a vein of queerness that makes it semi-entertaining, but at the end of the day Needy is honestly boring, her boyfriend has a hideous bowl cut, and she is lucky that Jennifer still hangs out with her.
I also have no doubt in my mind that if Needy could've just been cool about the whole demonic cannibalism thing, she and Jennifer could have been a dynamic man-eating duo. I don't have time for fakes or lames, but unfortunately Jennifer is a better friend than me, a trait that ultimately led to her destruction.
Plus, the women behind Jennifer's Body are also complete badasses. Diablo Cody, who also wrote Juno and pulled a stint as a feminist stripper, wrote the script and Karyn Kusama, the woman behind other female-centric horror films like The Invitation, directed it.
If you're somehow still on the fence, then it's time to feed your inner demon and rewatch Jennifer's Body with a more open mind. You might just learn something.
Owners of the real American Horror Story murder house say living there has become a waking nightmare
I hate y’all
by Katie Way
American Horror Story fans want in on the Murder House, and they'll do anything to get up close. Everyone knows the first season of AHS is the best one, so it makes sense that the show's most devoted fans want a peek at all the place where all the action went down — Tate and…
Want to hate yourself? Here are the best pictures of Kendall Jenner’s body
Of course she’s hot, she’s literally a supermodel
by Una Dabiero
All the Kardashian-Jenner's are hot, but Kendall is the only who can call herself a supermodel. Between her Vogue covers, Victoria's Secret fashion shows, and Calvin Klein contracts, we've all known she was hot for a long time. But I feel like Kendall gets left out of the sexiness conversation a lot when compared to…
Want to hate yourself? Here are the hottest pictures of Kylie Jenner’s body
She’s sexy as hell
by Una Dabiero
Kylie Jenner's body is basically a cultural phenomenon. She made "Kylie Jenner lips" a rap punchline and the aspiration of every girl on Instagram. She started a multi-million dollar makeup line for girls who wanted her cheekbones and eyebrows. And when you think "slim thicc," the body craze since 2016, you think Kylie. I gathered…