I will never understand why people like Selena Gomez
Is there even anything there to cancel?
If I ever heard someone sincerely describe themselves as a "Selena Gomez fan," I would probably have to call my mom or something. I'd be that rattled.
Because when you think about it for more than like 0.5 seconds, the fact that Selena Gomez is ultra-famous and ultra-popular, to the extent that it was newsworthy when she briefly changed her Instagram privacy settings, is mind-boggling. It's a sign of cultural decay. It makes me feel like the future is doomed.
Okay, yes, I'm exaggerating. It's called comedy, ever heard of it? But it seriously makes no fucking sense that Selena Gomez is as famous as she is. Call me jealous, call me ugly, but don't call me wrong, because I'm not. I'm not jealous or ugly either, by the way. I'm a solid New York City 7 who could not handle the platform that Selena Gomez has at her disposal.
But I digress — lemme break it down for you, Selensters (Selenation? Selenaddicts?). I'll show you the light.
She's not that good at singing
Okay, Bad Liar is a bop, but that song aside she's kind of just… okay. Her voice doesn't really have a signature sound, and she hasn't really strayed outside typical pop fodder when it comes to subject matter. In fact, she doesn't even write her own music.
I'm not gonna say she's an industry plant, because I don't even think anyone would decide to plant her in the industry. She just kind of floats on being playable in grocery stores and at middle school dances, but you can't even start a grind train to Love Song so like, what's the fucking point?
She's not that good at acting
Wizards of Waverly Place is nobody's favorite Disney Channel Show, and we all know it. The best performance I've ever seen her give was in Spring Breakers, and that's mostly because I really believed that she'd call her grandma all the time and then pussy out and go home as soon as her friends got involved with some actual, coke-fueled action.
She's not that good at social media
Believe me, when it comes to Selena Gomez's social media, I know what I'm talking about. She's the most-followed person on Instagram, but for what? She does the typical selfie/music promo/selfie thing that like, all artists do, and she's not even the best at it.
She doesn't let her give-no-fucks personality shine like Rihanna (because she doesn't have one), she's not openly thotty like a Kardashian and she doesn't even use her social presence to stir up drama like her bestie and the Snake Queen Supreme, Taylor. She just kind of… posts pictures of herself. But for whatever reason, 131 million people are drinking the fucking Kool-Aid.
She's not that interesting outside of the fame bubble, either
Selena's semi-public battle with lupus has actually been quite illuminating in terms of what it's like to live with a chronic illness, and I think it's brave that she's been so open about it.
But that being said, the only other thing Selena has been in the news for since what seems like forever is her tumultuous love life, in that she's dated two guys in the past seven years. Scandalous! She's never had a public meltdown, never expressed any bizarre spiritual beliefs, and she honestly doesn't even use her platform to speak about Latinx issues which I think is pretty lame.
Plus, she's in the latest Woody Allen movie. Selena, working with Woody Allen? In this economy? If you're not gonna be a glorious shitshow, then please be a catalyst for social change. Or better yet, be both! But sadly, Ms. Gomez is neither.
She's just the most popular person on Instagram, and I'm just a writer who broke 1k followers like, two weeks ago. But you know what? I'm definitely a lot more fun to talk to.
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