Just 20 burning questions I have about Ryan Reynolds playing Pikachu in a live-action movie


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Just 20 burning questions I have about Ryan Reynolds playing Pikachu in a live-action movie

First of all, why?

As a Pokemon fan and a fan of the criminal justice system, I was shocked and appalled when I learned that Blake Lively husband and pseudo-Chris Ryan Reynolds will be playing the role of Pikachu in a live-action movie that's tentatively titled "Detective Pikachu."

Honestly, what the fuck? We don't know a lot about the movie at the moment, besides a vague sketch of the plot and a few of the other actors attached to the project. And that's unfortunate, because I have so many questions.

1. Will Ryan Reynolds have to wear a full-body suit with sensors attached to him like Andy Serkis when he played Gollum in Lord of the Rings? I don't believe he has that same range of motion.

2. If Ryan Reynolds was the one they booked, who the fuck else auditioned for this role?

3. Does this mean Pikachu is male?

4. Why do we have to gender Pikachu anyway? It's not like he has a visible dick. Can you imagine Pikachu with a penis? I can, and I hate it.

See? Totally dickless.

5. How is Pikachu going to do any detective work when the only work he (?) can say is his own name?

6. Is Pikachu going to read suspects their Miranda Rights before detaining them? Because if not, they will be free to go at any time.

7. Is God unwilling or unable to end all suffering?

8. Can Pikachu shoot a gun?

9. Is this a kids' movie?

10. Am I going to look weird for seeing it alone?

11. W H E R E I S A S H ? ? ? ?

12. Can Pikachu read? I guess that's not directly related but it seems important re: clue detection.

13. How is Pikachu going to communicate that he (?) has found clues if, again, he can't talk in complete sentences?

14. Since the games first entered our cultural consciousness, Pokemon-related media has been pretty centered around catching them all, defeating Team Rocket and becoming the Pokemon Master… Where does a film about Pikachu helping a boy find his dad or some shit fit into the established Pokeverse?

15. Am I hallucinating?

16. Did Blake Lively openly laugh when she found out about this, or did she wait until Ryan left the room and then trash him in her group message with Taylor, Gigi and Anna Kendrick?

17. Who is Pikachu's PR rep? He (?) has honestly had an amazing year, and they deserve a raise.

18. Is a project like Detective Pikachu the logical endgame of a film industry that refuses to invest in new artists and instead leans on old franchises in an increasingly campy and unappealing fashion?

19. Is Pikachu gonna have a dick in this movie?

20. Will one of you guys go see Detective Pikachu with me? I thought about it more, and it's definitely weird if I see it alone.


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