What your favorite sex position says about what kind of hoe you are
A missionary hoe is a hoe on the low
Fuck a star sign because if you really want to know what kind of hoe you are, you're gonna have to get straight down to the dirty of it — and that means analyzing your favorite sex position.
We all mix it up: sometimes we're a doggy hoe, and sometime we just want to lie on our side, let someone else do it for us and think about dying and memes.
But if every time you find yourself masturbating it's to the thought of one of these, you're a very specific kind of hoe. Here's what kind of hoe you are, with illustrations by Sophie Brampton for babe:
Missionary – Hoe On The Low
You probably have between four and seven different kinds of vibrators, watch daddy-dom porn on the reg and of course own a butt-plug for good measure — but you're still waiting for the right time to suggest it to your partner.
You've been dating the same guy since the 6th grade and still get jealous when people talk to him, but when you find one who doesn't ask you to get on top, you keep them.
We should all try and be more like you, missionary hoe — all hail our beached whale queen.
Doggy – Self-Proclaimed Hoe
The doggy hoe is the only kind of hoe who actually calls herself a hoe.
You were the first one to lose your virginity in the 9th grade — one month before your best friend — and you haven't let her forget it since, even though you know you only got fingered. What she doesn't know won't kill her.
You're the only one of your friends who still wears pushup bras un-ironically, and you're always unseasonably tan. But the most telling sign of a doggy hoe is that you can be found sporting a nameplate necklace and still wearing gloss instead of lipstick.
But we only hate you because we aren't you — our moms never let us wear leggings and American Apparel hoodies to school.
Standing up – Glitter Hoe
The standing up hoe is always wearing body glitter even if it's not called for.
You own two faux fur coats from ASOS, 14 silk dresses and two snake skin clutches that were all paid for by your dad.
You make plans for the "big holidays" like New Years and anti-Valentines Day at least 2.5 months in advance and are always texting asking if you can bring a few extra friends to a party, right before showing up with your entire contact list.
Anyone else can spot you on the arm of someone at least 12 years older, while asking if he'll cover the drinks for you and seven of your closest friends.
Cowgirl (girl on top) – The New Hoe
The on-top hoe is new to hoe-ing and still thinks it's #lit.
Instead of waiting around for him to ask you to saddle up (he will), you go straight for it — no foreplay necessary. Yeah, you're a dick-sucking hoe, but not the kind to ask for head in return. You still feel guilty asking and want to make sure you always seem "chill."
You're the kind of hoe to fuck with your bra on and then ask if he wants to get a beer or watch the game after, even though your vagina is on FIRE because you never actually finished.
You can be found standing outside of a club in the absolute dead of winter wearing heels but no jacket, and you'll still look warmer than everyone else.
Blow Job – The Charli XCX of Hoe-dom
You'll head over to his house at 10 pm, pay for the uber yourself, suck him off and then pretend to be okay with it when he don't ask you to stay.
You still use a cracked iPhone 4, your walls have been painted pink since you were 5 and you'd be the best girlfriend in the world except for the fact literally nobody wants to date you (except for this one guy, but you don't want to date him).
So, in your never-ending quest for Prince Charming, you'll just keep sucking D and blowing your friends off for guys who don't give a shit about you.
Anal – The Only Non-Annoying Hoe
For some reason anal girls get the worst fucking rap, but you're the only one who doesn't go around announcing your sex life to every single goddamn person who literally never asked.
Every guy you've ever met has slid into your DMs 3 minutes later, but unlike Jess, who had one guy slide into her DMs ONCE, you don't need to post a screenshot of it on Twitter for attention.
You can be spotted sippin' on a cocktail and minding your own damn business.
Oral (but only on you)– Makes Life A Living Hell Hoe
If sex is an act of giving and taking, you just keeps taking, and taking and taking. Really, you're smarter than other hoes because you've trained your man, but he is living a life of rom-coms and rosé and doesn't even realize how fucked up it is.
You and your guy are attached at the hip at every single party — even when he wasn't invited — and you spend more time on your DIY wedding Pinterest board than asking other people about themselves.
You can be found waiting on your boyfriend to pick up the check and then leaving without worrying about your coat — he'll get it for you.
Sexy spooning – The Neediest Hoe
You'll wake him up at 5 am, rubbing your ass all over his dick because you can't handle being in the same bed and not being as close as humanly possible, even if that means having him inside of you.
When he gets up to use the shower you'll act like he's abandoning you and the moment you two part ways you'll replay every moment of your time together, convincing yourself he's fallen in love with someone else and text him that you "need to talk."
You can be found crying to semi-strangers about your non-boyfriend on a night out at any local, shit bar.
Contortionist – The Katy Perry of the Hoe Community™
You're always flying through the air on some completely unnecessary freaky flying-lotus death trap, and bring your own equipment to every session without being asked. Actually, nobody even remembers if you were invited to begin with.
You've read every 50 Shades of Grey book at least 3 times, and even though everyone else is 50 shades of over your bullshit you're completely oblivious to it and keep starting group chats with people who don't have any interest in talking to you.
But if ignorance is bliss, we'll call you "blissful."