This is not satire: I 100 percent believe Jake Paul will be the president before we die

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This is not satire: I 100 percent believe Jake Paul will be the president before we die

It’s Paul/Paul 2028, bro!

I'm as happy as anybody else that a known pedophile didn't manage to snag a seat in Congress last night, but honestly, the American political sphere is still beyond fucked.

Donald Trump, the star of a reality TV that wasn't even popular outside of a brief, crazy time in like, 2004 has been the president of the United States for the past 326 days. And it's especially crazy given his diet and how mad he is all the time — his heart should have imploded in on itself like a dying star by now.

And it's because of this logic-defying ascendence that I can write this article.

I believe with all of my heart that, in 10ish years, Jake Paul will be our president, and I will scream into the void about it until I pop a blood vessel. Follow me into hell.

He's a straight white guy

With one notable exception, all of our presidents have been white guys. I don't know if all of our presidents have been straight — statistically speaking/from what I've heard about Lincoln, nah — but none of them were openly queer, so this feels like a safe bet on its own.

He's famous as fuck

I know this is practically a cliché at this point, but the election of Donald Trump proved once and for all that you can be a gigantic dumbass but if you're rich and a lot of people know who you are, you can still be the leader of the free world.

Is Jake Paul smarter than Donald Trump? Probably not. Does that mean anything anymore? Definitely not. Jake Paul has 12.3 million subscribers on YouTube and 10.2 million followers on Instagram, which is twice as many as the Pope. He is so famous. I have't quite figured out why yet, but that's never stopped anyone before.

He probably doesn't use email

I know Jake Paul can read because he tweets, but there is no fucking way the dude is conducting his business over anything more professional than Snapchat messenger, so he doesn't have to worry about any email-based scandals like having a private server or colluding with the Russian government. That's a good sign!

He hasn't killed anyone yeeeet

  • I'm pretty sure Jake Paul's biggest scandal so far is that he's a terrible neighbor and always looks like he just finished yelling at his girlfriend because she liked a picture of Chris Evans on Instagram. He definitely could kill someone in the next 20 years, but as far as I know that hasn't happened yet.

    The generation below us adores him

    Jake Paul has, unfortunately, inspired a new breed of baby vloggers and their devotion to him is abjectly horrifying. According to New York Magazine, the kids like Jake Paul because he is "a savage" and "has a Lamborghini." God help us all.

    Nothing matters

    Kylie Jenner is going to be a mom, there was that rumor that low-rise jeans are coming back in style, and I think I have another UTI. Everything is weird and chaos reigns.

    Mark my words, guys. At the very least, he's gonna be a Supreme Court justice.

    @k80way