Jesus was an Aries, and I have proof
Just don’t tell your fucking insufferable Aries friends
by Una Dabiero
Ok, so I know a lot of us have a misconception that Jesus was a Capricorn. You know, because Christmas is in December and no matter how secular you are, it's shoved down your throat that Christmas is all about Baby Jesus' birth.
But apparently, we're all wrong. What they've been telling you for years is a LIE. Josh Peck, the God of the glow-up, tweeted a few days ago about how GOD himself was a Capricorn:
The fact that Jesus is a Capricorn just doesn’t get talked about enough.
— Josh Peck (@ItsJoshPeck) December 13, 2017
And Twitter users jumped on his fucking back because apparently, Jesus was actually born in April.
The Church of the Latter Day Saint's (AKA the Mormon Church) has a doctrine that says Jesus was born on April 6th:
Hahaha Christ was born April 6 pic.twitter.com/YH1o6MSwj2
— madeline farnsworth (@educatedmess04) December 14, 2017
But even not-Mormons think Jesus was probably born in April. There's two verses historians often cite to prove Jesus wasn't born in December.
First, Luke 2:7-8 says "We know that shepherds were in the fields watching their flocks at the time of Jesus' birth." As everyone who lives north of the Florida knows, it's way too fucking cold in December to have any living creature out there. This suggests Jesus was born in a more temperate month. Another verse, Luke 2:1-4, says "Jesus' parents came to Bethlehem to register in a Roman census." Apparently, the census was historically taken in the Spring.
However, historically speaking, the census Mary and Joseph participated in would have happened around April 1st at the beginning of the Roman calendar making Jesus an Aries which I think is more fitting because they are the first sign of the zodiac and symbolize new life.
— Bad Girl Livvy (@Livylou18) December 14, 2017
While we can't be sure he was born in April — March is also a likely possibility — it makes sooo much more sense for Jesus to be an Aries than a Pisces. Like @Livylou said, Aries is the start of the Zodiac. The beginning. The ram. Also, there's no way Jesus has the same Zodiac sign as Justin Bieber. God would not allow it (Ed: As an Aries, I can confirm that we are the most godly breed.)
I'm glad the internet has come together to decide Jesus' true Zodiac sign. Now I can read his horoscope. I'm just glad to know even the Son of God can have bad weeks where his love life falls apart and financial stability crumbles all because of the stars.
Oh and guys, while we're at it, Jesus was probably black too.
Your weekly horoscope says he’s probably stalking your Instagram
We’re going 🚀 Leo
by Caroline Phinney
A Quarter Moon in South Node Libra is a tricky situation. But as the Sun moves from Cancer into Leo, you'll feel a renewed sense of confidence as old emotions slide right off you.Cheers bitch — you really thought you hurt me. AriesFor the past few weeks, the Mars and Chiron retrograde has really taken…
Your life is shit because there are FIVE planets in retrograde — but here’s how you can fix it
Don’t fall for his BS again!
by Caroline Phinney
Have you been dreaming vividly about exes? Losing things like paperwork, debit cards, and your train of thought? Having a weird sense of foreboding about everything and everyone? Yeah, blame Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Neptune and Pluto because all five are in retrograde. The bad news means that life is totally trash right now. But the…
Your weekly horoscopes are here, and you’re about to lower your standards
by Caroline Phinney
Venus square Jupiter is ideal for having fun, but not as ideal for getting shit done. We experience a strong desire for pleasure in our lives, but it's easy to let this desire spiral out of control — aaand it's only Monday, folks. Here's everything the stars have in store for you this week, with illustrations…