If you've been like me lately, you're mourning at the dismal conclusion that one of your favorite celeb crushes has lost his hotness card. Unfortunately, it's Channing Tatum.
When are we as a society going to stop and admit Channing Tatum isn’t hot
— ⚪️ (@ilyheejin) November 18, 2017
Throughout the years, I've fought amongst many young women for dominance over this hot piece, the reason we grind our pillows at night post-Magic Mike midnight screening. But as I peeped his dancing skit in Pink's Beautiful Trauma video, I'm getting legitimately concerned.
We were here for it when he was Amanda Bynes' heartthrob in 'She's the Man'
We threw our paychecks and panties at your stripper role in Magic Mike
But now, he's like…our dad
wow ok I just realized Channing Tatum isn't hot anymore…. pic.twitter.com/0CzzRJ6ySE
— Janae' (@janaewondergem) May 10, 2014
me: guys.. channing tatutum isn't.. that attractive
every straight girl within a ten mile radius: oh my god!!1! how can you say that! he's so hot i want him to father my children!!1! are you lesbian or something??
— r (@churroknj) December 16, 2017
For my fellow Channing fans, I do apologize. I too, am at a loss for words as to how this babe magnet lost his magnetism.
But like what the fuck Channing (also, who names their child this)? You could've been the next George Clooney (old, but hot) or John Stamos, aka Uncle Jesse (also old, but giving you and I that wet-wet). But instead, you settled for fatherhood. I get it. The pressures of Hollywood prompted you into passing down the next round of ugly. We'll just cross our fingers and vag that Jenna's looks carried more weight than your washed out ass.
Meanwhile, I'm still trying to pinpoint exaclty when the demise of Channing's hotness began, but I think it's somewhere around the 22 Jumpstreet release.
But I'm being way too nice. If we really took a good look at the guy, you may have noticed he kind of already peaked in the early days of his modeling career.
The once chiseled jawline that we all had a full on orgasm over is now a rounder, plumper double chin. It's awkward enough to know that the subject of all your late night wet dreams is now a dad, but to see him do a complete 180, taking wardrobe advice from the neighborhood sex offender, it's hard to even remember the good 'ol days when you coerced he was your 'never gonna happen' husband. It's almost as if someone put his face in the microwave past the 1-minute mark.
When Channing Tatum isn't hot anymore 😶 pic.twitter.com/cQoLuVCbi1
— Raindance Maggie 🥀 (@m_connellly) October 1, 2015
With these all over the place teeth and bushy brows, he looks like a Picasso portrait, but to a young, tasteless mind, Channing could (maybe) still get it. But once a guy's been married and has a kid, it feels like riding a limp dick. It's no longer shiny and glistening, nor hard and stiff enough to your liking. In addition, the effects of settling down seem to be a bit more cumbersome on Channing than that of his wife Jenna's. Don't you agree?
Unfortunately ladies, we're going to all have to suck it up, put our big girl pants on, and admit to the cold hard truth that this former hip-hop hottie isn't droppin' it like it's hot anymore. Sorry bro, I won't be putting any dollar bills in a pair of manties til my next hoe-tation. But then again, that's what his wife Jenna is for.
Related stories recommended by this writer:
CONSPIRACY THEORY: Donald Trump is more scared of Taylor Swift fans than he is of nuclear war
He will die by their hands
by Caroline Phinney
It’s been two days since Taylor Swift took a swing at the GOP on Instagram, and Donald Trump hasn’t managed to cook up a single batshit tweet about her. The only thing on the TL is Swifties fighting MAGA bots. Why? Because even he’s smart enough to know if he so much as mentions Taylor,…
Taylor Swift fans are convinced they know what her new album is about
TS7 is COMING!!!!!
by Caroline Phinney
It’s actually really unfair that Taylor Swift gets to know about Taylor Swift’s new album before the rest of us do, but it’s probably for the best. Last night, at the 2018 American Music Awards, the singer-songwriter hinted that she’s working on a new album while accepting her award for best pop/rock album, and Swifties…
Dating a guy with no social media is the secret to either true love or a kidnapping, but probably true love
Social media is a blessing but also a curse
by Nian Hu
So you meet someone cute and somewhat normal at the bar or on Tinder, and the VERY FIRST thing you have to do when you go home is immediately stalk his social media. I'm not talking about a cursory look at the Insta profile that he linked to his dating app profile, either. No, you…