Please excuse my tiny bangs
I was slathering on a third layer of Glossier's Haloscope before heading out to brunch in my raw hem jeans and crop top last weekend when it struck me: I looked super trendy, which means that in five or so years, I'll look really fucking stupid in pictures.
It sent an existential chill through my very core — and if you've ever seen pictures of your parents rocking giant 80s hair, Jeffrey Dahmer glasses and oversized, multicolored sweaters, you know exactly what I mean. But at the same time, it's unavoidable. What's a "timeless" article of clothing? Pearls? All black? Fuck that. I'm not Audrey Hepburn.
But it did make me stop and think how many of the things we're doing to look cool in 2017 will make us look like total idiots in the future. It's like we're playing a long-term prank on ourselves.
Here's a short list of the things we're proudly sporting now that'll make us wonder what the fuck was going on and who hurt us right before we decided to get dressed for the day.
Off-the-shoulder tops
I'm not super sad this trend is going to die because my upper arms are definitively not toned, and honestly these tops do make my shoulders cold.
BDSM accessories for non-sexual situations
Sorry, but this already looks dumb. Please, leave the ball gag at home if you're not going to that kind of club!
Nipples as a 'statement'
Repeat after me, guys: the nipple is free. We've won. Visible nip as an "act of resistance" is not going to translate well into the future where the government can read our minds and Scott Disick is president.
Dewy makeup
Obviously this is my dream look right now, but I'm also mentally preparing for my kids to ask me why the fuck I was so damp when I was younger.
Thigh-high boots
Thigh high boots are special because they make you look sexy and but they also make you look like a pirate. I guess those things aren't mutually exclusive, but… I don't see them aging well, either.
Thicc eyebrows
If you've got naturally thick eyebrows, you're probably kind of in the clear. But this ridiculous IG caterpillar 'brow look is going to be straight up foolish in the future; I'd be willing to bet a year's supply of Boy Brow on it.
Long-ass mom jeans
I don't mean that the jeans are exceptionally long, by the way. I mean these mom jeans are visually lengthening our asses, and we fucking love it.
Teeny tiny bangs
The fact that these were ever trendy feels like a personal attack. But yeah, if you're still doing this little-bangs racket, I've got news for you: ten years down the road, someone is going to roast the fuck out of you and they'll be totally right.
Crop tops
Crop tops and mom jeans balance each other out like Batman and the Joker. But that means once mom jeans start looking goofy, you know crop tops are on the chopping block, too. I suspect we'll view this era of bare stomachs with a mixture of admiration at our youthful confidence and confusion about why we'd do that to ourselves.
Fake freckles
You can probably pass this off as something that your skin did naturally, but you'll always remember meticulously dotting these bad boys on in front of the mirror, when you could've just gone outside.
Pom-poms
Sorry, but this arts and crafts bullshit is going to be pretty dated pretty fast. I'm all for whimsy, but this is too much.
Frayed hems
I love this trend, because a lot of my clothing is in a semi-authentic state of disrepair. But this minimalist chic thing isn't going to be cool forever, and I know I'm gonna feel a little regret about this washed-up-on-a-desert-island look.
The criss-cross scenario
Sorry, are your boobs in jail? Because that's what these tops make it look like. I think we might look back on this style of sexy top and wonder if we should've tried harder to #freethenip after all.
Astrology-related anything
Two weeks ago, I Googled Joseph Stalin's Zodiac sign (he's a Sag, duh!). We've reached maximum capacity for astrology awareness, and we kind of need to tone it down.
Athleisure
Again, I fucking love this trend because I'm lazy. But there is no earthly way that I will be able to justify how much money I've spent (and frankly will spend) to look like I just got home from the gym I don't go to.
Coffin nails
Acrylics are forever, but this particular shape reminds me of a pencil, which I don't love. I know that soft-goth is kind of back "in" right now, but it won't be for long. Trust me.
Lip injections
Again, if you've got naturally thick lips then you're probably fine. But if you've been supplementing them Jenner-style, then you're probably going to look back and wonder why your desired lip volume was "allergic reaction."
Overalls
A cute farmer is still a farmer.
Giant fur coats
This is straight up Macklemore's #impact and if you try to deny that you're lying to yourself. He already lost his haircut to the Neonazis, so just… let him have this.