If ‘securing the bag’ isn’t on your 2018 agenda you’re fucking up in a big way

Let's face it — money makes the fucking world go 'round, whether we like it or not. Whether you're trying to fund your not-so-natural glo-up or just have bills to pay, cash is key.

Which is why, in 2018, it's imperative that we secure the bag. But what, you ask, does that mean? Do I have to drag my bum ass offline and actually get a job?

Good news: not necessarily. Because securing the bag is so much broader than that, and not just anyone can do it. But I know if you're reading this, you're a savvy give-no-fucks bitch who has what it takes.

First, a definition

At its core, "securing the bag" means obtaining financial security, but not necessarily through hard work — there's a definite element of scheming involved.

To a certain extent, you've gotten away with something. For instance, I get a salary to come to work every day, talk shit and yell about memes with the babe table, and write articles like this. I have, in fact, secured the bag.

Someone can also secure the bag by overcoming odds stacked against them, and doing some serious hustling. Cardi B, who entered public consciousness as a sex worker/Vine star and is now a record-breaking musician, is the Patron Saint of Securing the Bag.

Bag security 101

A classic ploy to secure the bag is to shack up with somebody richer or more influential than you are. Meghan Markle, for instance, recently secured that ~royal~ bag when she and Prince Harry got engaged. Sure, she was already a pretty famous actress on the Hot Lawyer show. But now she's a princess.

But netting a finance bro or the heir to a throne isn't your only path to securing the bag. You can also do it by finessing people into paying you to do what you love, like humiliating men online or starting your own company. You could make some risky but worthwhile investments in bitcoin or the stock market — I can't advise you on any of that shit, but like, go for it I guess.

You could also randomly find a large sum of cash on the ground outside: a serendipitous bag!

If you enter the year of our Lord (Anna Nicole Smith, in this case) money-minded, you'll be able to devise a way to secure your bag.

It's a deeply personal journey, but when you're flush with cash and expensive skincare products it'll all be worth it. I fully believe in you. Go forth and plot on them!

Related stories recommended by this writer:

● QUIZ: Build a 2018 outfit and we’ll tell you which Disney Channel style icon you are

● Sorry, but if you’re still single in 2018, you’re the problem

● 2018’s biggest trend is something no one I know can successfully pull off

@k80way