Here’s what your go-to drunk food says about what kind of hoe you are
‘You’ll ghost with no remorse’
by Katie Way
I'll say it: the only thing better than going home with someone after a night out is going home with a fat bag of chicken nuggets.
Sure, in a perfect world they're not mutually exclusive, but let's be realistic, okay? If you're stuffing your face with pizza at 2 AM, odds are you're focusing on getting laid.
But the foods you crave and the establishments you drunkenly stumble into after a sweaty, boozy night still reveal a lot about your sex life. Tell me I'm wrong!
If Papa John's is in your phone as an ICE contact, you definitely own more than three bodysuits — they're your hoeing uniform — and at least one of them is mesh.
Guys always seem to get obsessed with you, but it's not your fault that you're fun! You've said the words "actually, I like giving head" out loud before, but you meant it. You don't restrict yourself to a "type" or even a "relationship" — you're an equal opportunity hoe!
McDonalds, or some inferior burger chain
You're one exhibition-ass hoe. You are no stranger to a public make-out on the dance floor… or up against a streetlamp… or inside McDonalds while you're waiting for your 20-piece McNuggets.
Girls are a little nervous about introducing you to their boyfriends, but they shouldn't be — you don't need to steal a guy, because you're juggling three of them already.
Breakfast for dinner
You're a wholesome hoe — your mom is your best friend, and you tell her everything about your sex life. You have some weird rule about not fucking guys under 6'2 unless they have green eyes and it's a leap year? I don't know, it's complicated, but at least you have standards.
Your favorite position is reverse cowgirl, and you're still searching for the dick that'll finally make you stop talking to your ex (who you're way too good for by the way).
Cheap, greasy Mexican food
You bring a different guy on every night out and they're all… so… weird.
If someone asks you about that body piercer with the dreadlocks that you used to fuck with, you have to respond, "uh, which one?"
You're a risk-taking hoe, and the freakier it is, the more intrigued you are. One time, you hooked up with a guy who was into "blood play" but you still REFUSE to talk about it. No fair!
A whole sleeve of Oreos
You keep your hoe moves to yourself and occasionally you'll dish to a lucky friend, but that doesn't mean you're not making them.
You know what they say: it's aaaalways the quiet ones. You're a dating app ADDICT and you lost track of how many one night stands you had back when Obama was still in office, you sneaky hoe.
Literally whatever you can get your hands on
You're the hoe who legitimately does not give a fuck, and people are drawn to that kind of confidence.
You'll have passionate, mind-blowing sex with a stranger and then never see him again because you forgot to ask him his last name — and how the fuck are you supposed to find "Dan" on Facebook? Or was it "Dom"…
Your friends always ask you for advice, but honestly there is no secret — you're just a sexual hurricane.
Kraft Mac & Cheese
You fall hard and fast, and the strength of your belief is astrology is totally dependent on whether or not you and your man's signs are compatible.
You're kind of a relationship hoe, but that doesn't mean you're not a freak. You haven't just made a sex tape — you've made a sex tape while you were watching an old sex tape. And at the end of the day, you need to get off. If someone doesn't go down on you the first time you hook up, it doesn't matter how much you clicked, you'll ghost with no remorse.
A whole bag of chips — in bed
You're vanilla as hell, but you give it your all and that basically makes up for it. You're an enthusiastic hoe — you're so not self-conscious about what you look like during sex that you're willing to try anything to get your partner off, even though you're happy with a back rub and some vigorous missionary.
You've never even used a vibrator, and the kinkiest thing you could imagine enjoying is anal. Dirty talk is your kryptonite.
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