How to fake a glo-up without actually doing anything this new year

Okay, so you may have to lift a finger, or two — just your thumbs really — but we don't appreciate often enough how easily we're able to change people's perception of us without exerting any energy at all.

So, if you've been tirelessly consuming every horoscope you can get your clammy li'l hands on lately, and they all say "change is coming," don't panic. It's possible to summon said change without forcing yourself to buy gym membership or eat healthy. Fuck that.

Here's how you can fake a full-blown glo-up by the beginning of 2018 without doing anything at all.

Instagram your roommates skincare products – If she's going to drop all those coins, you might as well benefit from it, and people will suddenly think you're a Glossier girl.

Delete some of your ~wildest~ tweets – There's something so refreshing about knowing you haven't said anything career-ending online. (Or at least, that there's no evidence of it.)

Buy a shit-ton of green juice – you don't actually have to drink the toxic waste, but whenever I see gals with green juice I instinctually assume they're healthier and happier than I am.

Update your feed – Even if you're just archiving the really shit photos that've been clogging up your grid, a clean Insta feed is like a clean room: nothing feels better.

Paint your nails – Everyone looks slightly cleaner with painted nails. Even just washing your hands for once in your grubby life would probably help.

Buy yellow socks and wear them everywhere – I'm not sure why, but I just feel like nice, cheerful girls are always wearing yellow socks.

Purchase a yoga mat to position in the background of selfies – As long as it's there, it looks like you're using it. #HACK

Dye your hair with $3 box dye – Hair dye can be expensive af, but it can also be life changing. Get your friend drunk, shove the dye in her hands and force her to do it for you.

Steal some of your sister's/friend's clothing – The new #look doesn't actually have to be all yours. What are you? A Queen?

Part your hair a different way – Everyone looks like a completely different human with a middle part. Not always in a good way, but at least it's different.

Get a tattoo – You miiiight regret it in the future, but at least you'll feel different in the meantime.

Delete everything off social media – If updating your apps fails, you can always go off-grid. People will imagine you're having fun without them even though you're just doing the same shit as always.

Drink more water – Apparently this actually works and it takes literally zero effort. You may just have to wake up more often to pee.

Dump that shitty guy you're seeing – It'll take two minutes and you'll lose about 160 pounds.

Buy a new coat – It's the only bit of your clothing anyone is seeing in this weather anyway — let's be real.

Buy yourself new underwear – Everyone is more confident in new underwear — even my dog.

Start posting about bands you don't listen to – There's nothing cooler than a cool girl who's into cool shit. They don't need to know.

Stop giving ANY fucks at all – The new-new is to not care about what's new-new. I think? Don't quote me on this. I'm not a journalist, damn.

Buy some crystals – That shit HEALS.

Start using chapstick – Smooth lips can change a girl.

Get a free makeover from Sephora – And then take a profile picture before that shit all melts off.

Finally learn your angles – If Kylie can do it, you can do it.

Start sucking in your cheeks in photos – Actually, just suck it all in.

Get a waist trainer – Better than a life coach.

Post a bunch of flat lays – And then pretend to be an Instagram influencer. No gods, no masters.

Start going to the Local Lit Places – Every town has at least one okay bar you can hit to make it look like you still go out and enjoy things.

Re-decorate a small corner of your room – Move your empty chip bags to another corner and get some white Christmas lights. They change any mood.

Buy a bunch of smart books – As long as they look worn you don't have to read them.

Post a pic with your hot cousin – Nobody has to know you're related.

Snap a photo of your cigarettes in the trash – And then dig them right the fuck out. You're not made of money, you know.

Stop drinking – LMAOOOOO chill I'm kidding.

Done. You're a whole new person.

@carolinephinney