You should sleep with at LEAST 25 guys before settling down, and I’ll tell you exactly why
Ideally more, but y’know, whatever
by Amanda Ross
Throughout history, it's been the bravest of souls who had to fight, die, and become immortalized for their beliefs. Joan of Arc, Gandhi, Jesus. And now me — martyrs for a cause. The fact that I'm about to suffer through dozens of comments calling me a slut should prove to you exactly how serious I am about the thesis of this article:
You have to sleep with at least 25 men before you settle down.
And notice I say men. Gay girls, I trust you. You've known how to maximize the parts with you were born with since that first fateful experience with the shower nozzle in middle school — don't play dumb here, either. You know I know you know.
Anyone with any type of predilection for dick, be it a full-time interest or a part-time thing, should have a sample size of no less than 25 before putting a metaphorical ring around one like some sick, sexual carnival game and settling down for good.
You've got to try every type to make an accurate decision
You try on shoes before you buy them. You ask the girl at the frozen yogurt shop for like, 50 little sample cups before deciding on a flavor. You test drive cars before driving them off the lot. So why wouldn't you make an equally informed decision before committing to one guy/dick? Do you even realize how many types there are out there in the world?
Missy Elliot said it best when she sang, "Boys, boys, all types of boys, Black, white, Puerto Rican, Chinese boys." And she didn't even explore the subsets of dick found within each race and nationality either! For example, I was once under the complete delusion that small dicks were "the best." I even wrote a whole babe article about it. Then one day I experienced something…different and immediately changed my tune. 25 is a number vast enough to try it all.
How else are you going to figure out what you're into?
What if like, an uncut, left-curving dick is the one thing you need to orgasm but you'll never know it because the guy you've been dating since age 13 has a dick like a baby carrot? And then you'll get married and your hair will grey — as will your shriveled pubes — without ever understanding the pleasure of that initial put-in stroke from a huge dick. Is that really how you want to live your life?
There's a quote by someone famous that I read on the side of a Starbucks cup once and it said some shit like, "At the end of your life, you'll be more upset by the things you didn't do than the things you did." I'm sure he was talking about climbing a mountain or coming out to your family, but I choose to believe he was talking about sucking dick.
It's simple math, honestly
There are 8 billion people in the world, and more if we count our future robot overlords and the aliens spying on us from the stars. Even if every person on earth has like, 10 soulmates, do you really think you found yours in you high school algebra class? The vastness of the globe, and you think you met your soulmate at a fucking local Jamba Juice. Girl, no. Explore. Travel. My parents met in Germany, for god's sake. Increase your chances, expand your odds. Touch all the butts, palm all the ballsacks. Find your partner.
Sex is fun! Like, really fun!
Finally, we come to our most important point. Having indiscriminate sex is really, really fun. If you're on some kind of contraception and always use a condom, why shouldn't you Samantha Jones it and consensually bone everyone you've ever encountered? Every time I think I want my flavor of the month to cuff me, I lock eyes with some hot, filthy-looking bearded dude at a dive bar and I remember: there are far, far better dicks ahead than the ones we leave behind.
Do y’all really want to fuck Venom from ‘Venom’ or am I just having some kind of fever dream?
You guys are gross!
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