I SPEAK THIS INTO EXISTENCE: 2018 is the year we all get hot

I knew I was in love with a former boyfriend when one late October day, laying in bed, he oh-so-casually revealed that he just finished every single one of his New Year's resolutions. They were ambitious, too: pay off his student loans (bachelor's and master's), read 50 books, and run a fucking marathon.

And just like Carrie Bradshaw in every episode of SATC, I couldn't help but wonder how this all related back to me. How could I make this, like everything else, about me?

I realized it: this year, I'm completing all of my New Year's resolutions, and so are y'all. And they're (almost!) all about getting hot as fuuuuuck. Sure, I've got some boring ones like opening a Roth IRA, but I'm mostly concerned about manifesting my physically beauty to its zenith and wielding it to ruin the lives of my enemies.

We are in our prime, y'all. Here's what we're gonna do:

We're gonna actually go to the gym and not just tweet about it

Trying to get thiqqer? Do some fucking squats. Wanna get — what's the fun colloquial opposite of thicc? Slymm? Longg? — less thicc, talk to your doctor about starting a new workout plan just like the Kanye song. Already love your body the way it is? First of all, sounds fake but ok. But really, congrats and that's amazing and you should still probably doing some kind of workout even if it's something low-impact like yoga. Even though we treat them like the pizza version of a cum dumpster sometimes, our bodies are our temples. Or something.

Our skincare > any man we've ever spoken to

I don't care if you just pulled a guy and you're having a one-night stand at his house and it's 4 a.m. and he lives in a fucking crack den. Go into that bathroom and take off your damn makeup. Carry around a tiny toner and pot of moisturizer while you're at it. If you can fit that big-ass iPhone 8 Plus in your purse, you can jam a tube of Glossier priming moisturizer in there too. Look at that picture of Rihanna. See how she glows. Do you think she achieved that level of radiance by falling asleep with Fenty foundation still on her face after a night out with her hot Saudi billionaire boyfriend? No, she got it by having thousand-dollar facialists and dermatologists on retainer. And also by moisturizing.

It's time to actually cultivate a style

It really doesn't matter if your signature Lewk™ is jeans and a nice top or sweatpants or some elaborate jumpsuit with straps and glitter and sparklers shooting out of it worthy of an Alaska Thunderfuck drag show. But what we are gonna do is figure out what's us and what makes us feel good and build our wardrobe around it. Buy it new, buy it used, get a sugar daddy to buy it so you don't have to. But we're gonna swish into every room looking 100 percent like us. It's critical step to becoming That Bitch, and we need to take it.

We're taking time for us — forget everyone else

This might be the most important component: we're letting that bullshit go, and it's gonna make us look and feel better. Some b-hole didn't text you back? Ok, their number is deleted and you're over it. Shit day at work? Whatever. Come home, drop a bath bomb in the tub, and come back the next day a renewed woman.

It's 2018 now (kind of), and it's aaaall about us.