Forget the year of realizing things — 2018 is the year of the ‘praying mantis’ and it’s time to take what’s ours
We realized, we dealt, and now we’ll conquer
by Katie Way
It's difficult to summarize what a fucking shit-storm 2017 was, but you know what? We all survived it, and now it's time to reap the rewards.
If 2016 was the year of realizing things and 2017 was the year of dealing with things, then 2018 is the year of fucking shit up.
This year, we're grabbing life by the balls and pulling hard. We're doing this shit praying mantis style — which means taking what we deserve from the people we deserve it from, and then decapitating motherfuckers when we're done with them. Metaphorically… totally metaphorically.
Secure the bag allllll 2018, not letting anyone get me out my zone!
— Shaneeceaaa ✨ (@Shaneeceaaa) January 2, 2018
In 2017, we finally started publicly talking about the fact that literally every woman we know was been sexually assaulted. We dealt with the Trump presidency, even if it meant we added a few more prescriptions to our roster. We even made it through Katy Perry's 96-hour live stream — we're invincible now.
Women bared our pain for the public good, recounting and reliving trauma that some of us didn't even know we were carrying. It was hard, but we fucking did that, and we deserve to revel in our own glory. And if reveling in your own glory means getting fucked up on a Tuesday night, "dating" four guys at the same time, or finally getting your nose done, this is the year to do it. You earned it.
I’m going to be a hot girl in 2018. I’m not joking this time.
— gnah. (@Gabbienain) January 4, 2018
In 2018, we're not entertaining predators or fuckboys. We're demanding equality and respect for all women — queer women, trans women, women of color, women who do sex work, women below the poverty line — and looking hotter than ever while we do it.
Cardi taught us how to unapologetically take men's money and get even more by bragging our asses off about it. Rihanna taught us that you can pick an industry, like beauty, and rise to the fucking top if your shit is high quality and your attitude is "I do not and cannot give a fuck."
Even Bella Thorne taught us that we can fully embrace our sloppy, hypersexual hoe tendencies (I'll never forget the glitter bath) and actually fucking prosper.
This is how I take a bath. Always. pic.twitter.com/JlmsQC3jn7
— bella thorne (@bellathorne) July 31, 2017
And in 2018, it's time to put all that shit into action.
Cut off the Tinder date who paid for your dinner but explained your degree to you while you guys split dessert. Ask for a raise. Hurt-trap. Spit on your ex who cheated when you see them in public. Make guys pay to follow you on Instagram.
We're wringing men's necks for everything they're worth, whether we're suing them for workplace harassment or bleeding them dry as FinDoms. This year, we're finally gonna have some fucking fun again.
Celebrating the anniversary of when that kid filmed a Musical.ly in front of his dying grandpa
Don’t you give up, nah-nah-nah, I won’t give up, nah-nah-nah, let me love you
by Harry Shukman
Imagine you're a proud grandfather, at the end of a long and happy life. You're on your hospital deathbed, breathing raggedly, as you're hooked up to life support. It's an emotional time – you're surrounded by your loved ones smiling and doctors shaking their heads. You've not got long left, and you close your eyes, preparing…
Introducing the Hair Straightener Tongue Challenge…I think….
Tracing its origins
by Harry Shukman
Hard to explain what makes anyone willingly put themselves through extreme pain for clout (this guy who shocked his dick off by thumbing it into an electrical socket, for instance), and yet here we are with a new trend tentatively named the Hair Straightener Tongue Challenge.Like the other 18 million people who have seen this…
Why did Ariana Grande and Pete Davidson break up? An investigation
Let’s be real, this relationship was never going to work out
by Nian Hu
So Ariana Grande and Pete Davidson broke up this weekend, surprising absolutely nobody. Who would've thought that a whirlwind five-month-long PDA-fueled relationship between an unfunny butthole-eyed corpse-looking dude and a world-famous pop star who was WAY out of his league could've possibly worked out? The question was never if they would break up, but when.The…