Trust me, not him: If a guy doesn’t have social media, you absolutely can’t trust him

So, picture this: you're over scoping out dates on Tinder and Bumble, and wind up actually meeting what seems like a decent guy. But this is 2018, and asking for a phone number is like immediately asking him to cum inside you.

Instead, you ask for his social media handle."Oh! I'm not on social media."

Sorry, girl, but drop. that. shit. now.

YOU have to ask THEM to 'send pics'

Okay, yeah. You'll sound like a fuckboy who wants nudes but when there's no social media for you to spy on, you awkwardly have to inquire about their looks. Sure, it sounds shallow, but you always want to remember how totally hot (or not) the person was.

Never have I ever had someone's face ingrained into my mind because knowing me, I was probably smashed meeting them, and ugly dudes are always seemingly cute when you're hella inebriated. Sorry, but if sexual attraction doesn't play a part in your game of getting laid, then you're clearly doing life all the way wrong.

Asking him to "send pics" without implying you want to see his full peacock is difficult, but you really just need to push through that hangover to remember if they were fuck-worthy in the first place.

How are you going to stalk his crazy ex(es) on Facebook?

If shit with him goes further than a one-hang bang, you're pretty much doomed. Without social media, people are stingy with the information about their past, and Facebook holds all the receipts. So when there's literally no history of a guy's crazy exes online, you won't be prepared to curse out some bitch named Haley who's apparently still mad she got dumped by your your beau way back in middle school.

He definitely has a secret Instagram account.

Even when you do realize you're talking to a born-again social media virgin, I'm a total control freak who doesn't trust that I'm the "only one they're talking to right now." So naturally, I'm fiending to find out what (who) he's interested in besides me.

You'll probably only realize you're talking to a social media ghost when you can't find out what they do for fun…until you find it. I remember my bestie showing me her ex's fake Instagram account with his profile pic front and center of the feed. He claimed he "didn't do the whole social media thing", but he was really just a hoe-ass dude sliding into DMs and pussy that wasn't hers.

You're literally playing the guessing game with a guy whose go-to form of communication is just a phone number.

Sure, you can "just ask", but what the fuck do you think Mark Zuckerberg dropped out of college for? Facebook and Instagram have all the answers to his life before you do, and you'll need notes in your back pocket for when the convo goes drier than Oprah's vagina.

Related stories recommended by this writer:

● An effective and foolproof guide to internet stalking without getting caught

● This is why straight guys are so bad at social media

● I deleted all my social media and this is what happened

@aribines