God, sobriety, Mario Kart: Just a list of things we’ve pretended to like to impress a crush
Everyone’s done it, come on
by Katie Way
It's not easy (and almost never worth it), but I honestly believe that everyone's guilty of faking interest in something to reel in a crush.
Maybe you went through a "vegetarian phase" for the cute Ponytail Guy in your creative writing class, or maybe you dipped your toes into EDM for the first time to snag a SoundCloud DJ. No shame in the game, though! It's not like men don't lie…
Here are some of the most outrageous things babe readers have done (or pretended to do) to fool a dude into thinking he found his dream girl. And yes, obviously not all girls who are into classic music/video games/communism are doing it for male attention. Duh.
Names have been changed to prevent damage to anyone's current aesthetic.
Ok don't hate me for this one… I was desperate but I pretended to like Trump in my last relationship. And in my current relationship, I tried acting like I know everything about bitcoin and cryptocurrency because my bf is obsessed… But he saw right through it and was like, "You have no idea what you're saying, do you?"
– Annie, 21
I went to a Jewish day school, and in 6th grade I fell in love with the son of a rabbi. I pretended to be really into praying during morning minyan (an hour when you pray in the morning) so he'd be into me. When he left after 8th grade, I went back to being agnostic.
– Lucy, 23
In high school, I was really into this goth dude who did tech theater with me. He was like the one marginally attractive dude amongst all of the other guys in our troupe, so naturally all of the girls were vying for his attention. (Present-day me is rolling her eyes so hard.)
When he decided to turn his sights on me, I really ramped up the high school goth vibe: I wore all the black that I could scrounge out of my neon-colored scene kid wardrobe, I tried listening to Godsmack/ICP/Mudvayne/Slipknot to get even more on his good side.
After he said he was listening to nothing but the Nightmare Before Christmas soundtrack, I decided it have it playing in the background one night when we were on the phone for a few hours. P A T H E T I C. I was doing all this for a literal stereotype.
Long story short, I decided to let my feelings be known about his bands, we shared one pathetic kiss in the school stairwell and he dropped me like a ton of bricks. A month later, he got another girl pregnant and didn't speak to me for years.
– Natalie, 23
I was falling love with a guy in high school who he listened metal and read about politics and religion. He was an atheist and anarchist, and I used to tweet about "atheism" and all other hard and cool stuff and pretend that I'm a real depressed bitch whose favorite music band Megadeth.
I even secretly travelled to Istanbul from Adiyaman — my hometown, which is near the Syrian border — just for a Metallica concert. I even read Karl Marx (but I understood nothing and just read 18 pages or so) for him, while secretly playing Stardoll and watching Gossip Girl, lol.
– Karen, 19
A few years ago I was talking to this guy and we were getting on great. Then he said he wouldn’t date me because I wasn’t vegan, so I went vegan for like 3 months… And the dick wasn’t even worth it.
– Jackie, 21
In the 7th grade I dated this kid who played hockey, so I pretended to be really into it and started following the Flyers and asking my dad to explain the rules. Well the next year, he dated my best friend at the time and I somehow ended up spending my birthday with her at his hockey game. Eight years later and THEY ARE STILL DATING. Tragic.
– Dani, 22
I was so fucking into this angsty boy. I told him I knew how to play guitar (I knew Jump Then Fall by Taylor Swift), I put a dark rinse through my hair, joined the school band and started listening to music I fucking hate (Radiohead and shit). Wasn't until about 3 years later that I snapped out of it and realized I was still doing things I didn't like, lmao.
– Emma, 23
In high school, I was one of the few girls who was into video games, but the guy I had started dating was into fucking Mario Cart and every game that was still played on Nintendo 64. I even faked liking his old Super Nintendo from before either of us were even born. We literally played the entire Mario game, and I hated it because I wasn't 5 anymore. But he was my first bf and clearly still a child at heart, so I faked being into it.
– Agnes, 22
I literally have to like the Philadelphia Eagles for all the boys at my school!!! I would look up the scores of the games and shotgun beer with them but I don’t like the Eagles. I love watching soccer more, and football is boring to me.
– Erika, 21
I had to act like I was down to stop partying for this guy I was with freshman year. He literally cried one night when I was being "too crazy," it was ridiculous. At the time, he acted like he was worried about me, but I think he was just a fucking control freak.
– Bridget, 22
Bet you can’t tell the difference between Curvy Wife Guy’s book and the Unabomber manifesto
Which awful book did we read?
by Harry Shukman
The 21st Century's number one trickster is Robbie Tripp, aka The Curvy Wife Guy, sometimes called The Thicc Wife Guy. He's the horny weirdo who went viral with a deeply weird Instagram post about his wife: "Her shape and size won't be the one featured on the cover of Cosmopolitan but it's the one featured…
Your weekly horoscopes are here, and they come with a major warning
Things are about to get messy
by Codi Cheyenne
CAUTION: Look out for September 18 as a day full of erratic energy and a desire to rebel thanks to Mars squaring Uranus for the third time this year. If you don’t find a healthy place to release this energy, it’ll most likely turn into stressful conflict that can even physically manifest itself in the…
That weird ‘Curvy Wife Guy’ hates us :(
‘I was often teased for my attraction to girls on the thicker side, ones who were shorter and curvier’
by Harry Shukman
Whoever said heroes come in all shapes and sizes clearly never imagined that one day, The Curvy Wife Guy would come onto this earth and declare himself a martyr for thiccness. Also known as The Thicc Wife Guy, né Robbie Tripp, he first appeared on your timeline with this horny and unsettling post about his…