Vogue just released a list of 2018 trends and they’re all so ugly and unflattering, I’m ready to die
Cargo Pants are en vogue, time to kill myself
by Una Dabiero
Ok, fashion has been really good recently: Think of all the 60's, 70's and 90's trends we've been fucking with over the last few years. I thought we would have a little while longer to wear the hottest clothes from the golden eras of fashion, but sadly all good things must come to an end.
According to Vogue's analysis of the pre-fall fashion shows, a lot of awful trends from the 2000s are coming back to fucking haunt us. The writer herself calls some of them "unsexy" and "practical" instead of like "edgy" or "hot" or "cool" or "colorful" or any positive adjectives. Here's some horrible trends that are coming back in 2018. Honestly, just slit my throat now.
Remember in middle school when everyone would wear ruched, two-toned dresses to school dances and act like they were fucking Naomi Campbell? Well apparently these horrible things are coming back in fashion. Cue the black-and-white flashbacks to braces and my crush refusing to ask me to dance when "I'll Be" by Edwin McCain came on the cafetorium loudspeaker.
Vogue compares smock dresses to tents. And honestly, nothing has been more accurate. This is a curse on big-tittied girls everywhere. Guess it's time I get used to looking like an elephant while pretending I'm trendy.
About two days ago, Cargo Pants were literally a meme. But now, they're apparently making an appearance on runways because life is a cruel joke. I almost feel bad for the white guys who threw these away when Twitter roasted them because now they're going to need to buy more. Then again, they make more money than the rest of us, so…
cargo pants r cool but u need to get shot if u wear cargo shorts unironically that's just how it is !!!
— supreme_yarsha69 (@_yarsha) January 22, 2018
It's time to call your aunt who has an entire Ed Hardy tiger-themed wardrobe because Vogue says animal motifs are back. Apparently, the new thing in 2018 is slapping a dragon on shit and calling it trendy.
In 2008, literally nothing was hotter than wearing a long tank top and a short-sleeved cardigan with a big ole belt wrapped around them. A big belt with a big buckle that was blinged out. Pair that outfit with a statement necklace and it was lit. Statement belts are back and I guess that's cute if it's like a Gucci belt or something. But I am not prepared to wear my knock-off, fake leather Mossimo belts and try to act like it's high fashion and not a repeat of what I wore when I was 12. Looks like I have a new insecurity to drink about.
Diet, workouts, and measurements: Here’s how to get Kylie Jenner’s body
I mean, other than plastic surgery
by Una Dabiero
Kylie Jenner is THAT girl. She's a millionaire sex icon, new mom, and still eats Burger King in her Rolls Royce on the reg. Basically, she's the person we all want to be. While I can't help you auto-generate a successful business or point you to reality TV superstardom, I can offer some sound advice…
Diet, workout, and measurements: Here’s exactly how to get a Kendall Jenner body
This is everything the model does to stay runway ready
by Una Dabiero
Let's be honest: we all want to look like a model. But mix a model with a Kardashian-Jenner, and you have the ultimate dream fodder. I would basically cut my left arm off to look like Kendall Jenner, but that's not necessarily practical. So, I had to come up with another solution. Here's how to…
Everything curvy girls NEED to do, according to men of the internet
‘Fat girls just need to wear fat clothes’
by Ari Bines
What's most ironic about the fat-shaming man is that despite daily trips to PornHub, they think they understand women's bodies. The truth of the matter is they understand our bodies about as much as washing their genitals, AKA not a damn thing.And it doesn't stop there. They think they can criticize us, too. We know…