Vogue just released a list of 2018 trends and they’re all so ugly and unflattering, I’m ready to die
Cargo Pants are en vogue, time to kill myself
by Una Dabiero
Ok, fashion has been really good recently: Think of all the 60's, 70's and 90's trends we've been fucking with over the last few years. I thought we would have a little while longer to wear the hottest clothes from the golden eras of fashion, but sadly all good things must come to an end.
According to Vogue's analysis of the pre-fall fashion shows, a lot of awful trends from the 2000s are coming back to fucking haunt us. The writer herself calls some of them "unsexy" and "practical" instead of like "edgy" or "hot" or "cool" or "colorful" or any positive adjectives. Here's some horrible trends that are coming back in 2018. Honestly, just slit my throat now.
Remember in middle school when everyone would wear ruched, two-toned dresses to school dances and act like they were fucking Naomi Campbell? Well apparently these horrible things are coming back in fashion. Cue the black-and-white flashbacks to braces and my crush refusing to ask me to dance when "I'll Be" by Edwin McCain came on the cafetorium loudspeaker.
Vogue compares smock dresses to tents. And honestly, nothing has been more accurate. This is a curse on big-tittied girls everywhere. Guess it's time I get used to looking like an elephant while pretending I'm trendy.
About two days ago, Cargo Pants were literally a meme. But now, they're apparently making an appearance on runways because life is a cruel joke. I almost feel bad for the white guys who threw these away when Twitter roasted them because now they're going to need to buy more. Then again, they make more money than the rest of us, so…
cargo pants r cool but u need to get shot if u wear cargo shorts unironically that's just how it is !!!
— supreme_yarsha69 (@_yarsha) January 22, 2018
It's time to call your aunt who has an entire Ed Hardy tiger-themed wardrobe because Vogue says animal motifs are back. Apparently, the new thing in 2018 is slapping a dragon on shit and calling it trendy.
In 2008, literally nothing was hotter than wearing a long tank top and a short-sleeved cardigan with a big ole belt wrapped around them. A big belt with a big buckle that was blinged out. Pair that outfit with a statement necklace and it was lit. Statement belts are back and I guess that's cute if it's like a Gucci belt or something. But I am not prepared to wear my knock-off, fake leather Mossimo belts and try to act like it's high fashion and not a repeat of what I wore when I was 12. Looks like I have a new insecurity to drink about.
Sexy Slenderman is officially the greatest of the ‘did that really need to be sexy?’ Halloween costumes
Internet cryptid, but make it fashion
by Amanda Ross
My feminist contemporaries may disagree, but I firmly believe we only advance as a society when Halloween costumes are either aggressively, unnecessarily sexual or horribly gory — preferably both! While other people spent like, two hours out of their day bitching about a sexy Meghan Markle costume or slutty Handmaiden, I spend my time on…
Blake, there’s people that are dying
The actress tries out for the Oppression Olympics
by Amanda Ross
SPOTTED: Our favorite Upper East Sider bizarrely grasping at some perceived slight, all in the name of feminism. Blake Lively is currently on a press tour promoting her new movie, A Simple Favor. Have you seen it yet? Yeah, me neither. Blake, known for her love of fashion, has worn many suits during the tour,…
MOOD: Real Housewife Kim Zolciak photoshopped her infant’s lips to make them look bigger
This is the realest
by Harry Shukman
We should never have expected anything less from Kim Zolciak, the surgery princess of the Real Housewives oeuvre, but she has edited a photo of her infant daughter to make her lips look bigger.Look at this throwback portrait of Ariana Biermann, posted by Atlanta power mom Kim, a couple days ago: Now look at the…