Why stop at sunglasses? Fuck it, let’s just make everything small


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Why stop at sunglasses? Fuck it, let’s just make everything small

All small, all the time, baby!

Yeezy said, in an email to Ms. Kardashian West, "let there be tiny-ass sunglasses," and there were tiny-ass sunglasses on every proto-It Girl on your Instagram feed.

And honestly? I fucking like them. As far as trends go, they're cool and weird — the eye accessory of a person with a sense of humor, style, and a devil-may-care attitude about sun protection.


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In fact, I like them so much that I have a proposition: let's just make all of our accessories small as fuck.

Small versions of normal-sized things are inherently adorable. Babies, free samples at grocery stores, dog sweaters — all cute as hell.

Into the Gloss already, declared that 2018 is the year of the small handbag, so why not take it a step further? I want a a paper-thin wallet and a minimalist key ring to throw in my teeny tiny bag that I keep leaving at clubs because I can't tell when I drop it. I want a phone that's too small for my fingers! Black Mirror, make it happen!

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I'm still lusting after the Motorola Razr I never got…

Remember those teeny tiny notebooks that you'd put on your backpack? I need one to store all my small-ass thoughts, like Should I go blonde? and I am prettier than Demi Lovato.

Also, can we bring back mini hand-sanitizers? It's a dirty fucking world out here, and I'm trying to be my most antibacterial self in 2018.

While we're at it, why not go on a small jewelry kick too? We're already on that small hoop earring shit, so I say we take it a few steps further –anyone know where I can buy a bracelet with charms so small they can only be fully appreciated with a magnifying glass? Chains and rings barely thicker than a strand of hair, handcrafted under a full moon and blessed by a fairy? Etsy, right?

I'm done with full-sized mascara and lipstick tubes that are longer than my thumb. This year, I won't even look at an eyeshadow palette bigger than the palm of my hand. Birchbox samples only!

And you know what? If you bitches are still eating full-sized burgers, you better hop on the slider train ASAP, because it is leaving the fucking station at light-speed and never looping back!

On a practical level, it all just makes sense. My apartment is tiny, my attention span is short, and I have like $60 in my checking account. Now's the time to downsize.