‘I love lamp:’ What his pop culture references reveal about what kind of guy he is

Look, now that we all have at least three different devices that can beam entertainment into our brains at any given moment, pop culture is thriving.

And in order to prove that I'm hip and in-the-know, I've gotta bolster my conversations with some slyly placed pop culture references — and I'm not the only one. Guys love to flex their pop culture knowledge at any given opportunity. And what they choose to quote speaks volumes. His lips are saying, "My wiiife!" his actions are saying, "Please, save yourself and don't sleep with me." Listen up, and lemme decode it for you all:

The arthouse movie you 'probably haven't seen' (it's Drive)

He loves to talk about the stuff you "wouldn't get" because you didn't study abroad in Prague, have never done DMT, don't know Japanese, whatever. He's proud of the fact that he likes the "thinking man's" version of whatever normal guys are into — he wouldn't be caught dead at a basketball game, but loves the Winter Olympics.

If you stick with this dude, he'll honestly put you on some pretty cool shit — but he won't shut the fuck up about it when he does. Kim and Kanye are low-key his dream relationship: he wants to make you into his little art-girl doll. Don't let him! Or do. Whatever, Kim seems happy.

Any comedy starring Will Ferrell and/or Sasha Baron Cohen

This guy thinks Louis C.K. isn't "that bad" and was asking people to join the "Pen15 Club" well into his sophomore year of college. I would stake my life on the fact that this dude thinks eating pussy is "gross," but is still obsessed with Taco Bell.

Do you want to end up a part of someone's latest vlog post because you asked, "what are we?" after six months of hooking up, like that's a reasonable question, then keep riding this wave. This guy was so excited when Vine 2 was announced, because it means he'll finally get some new material.

2000-and-late NBC sitcoms

This guy seems nice at first — he's sweet, he holds the door for you and he doesn't freak out when you ask to split the check. But that's the thing: this motherfucker is so boring. He's actively milquetoast.

He thinks reverse cowgirl is "kinky," doesn't eat spicy foods, and has never met a dog he didn't like. Your mom is going to fucking love this guy. Too bad you never will.

Your favorite rapper's favorite rapper (ironic)

Yeah, there's a 100 percent chance that this guy, who listens to Migos as a "joke," has said the n-word even though he's, uh, not allowed to. Seriously, back-search this guy's Twitter account and you will find some shit that'll make you seriously consider blocking him.

And if all of the edgelord overflow doesn't kill the vibe, the fact that this guy doesn't take anything seriously — except himself — will, because that includes you! If you like it when someone plays Devil's Advocate when you talk about the manager at work who grabbed your ass when you were 16, this is the guy for you.

Your favorite rapper's favorite rapper (un-ironic)

This guy says he's "about that life" but you're like — what life? Asking me for $20 once a week? Making me hang out with your friends even though they're not my fucking friends? This guy will shower you with attention at first — he's a smooth-talker — but it'll get old, fast, when you figure out he doesn't actually have that much material.

On the bright side, he'll always have the latest iPhone so say hello to portrait mode! On the dark side, he has way more Instagram followers than you do, and he's never going to post a picture of you two together.

Tarantino, or anything Tarantino-adjacent

Not to sound too cliché, but this guy is going to want to try Foot Stuff once you two really get comfortable. He thinks he respects women because he loves Kill Bill, but he actually just respects when women are mad in a hot way. Which is not the kind of hot you'll be when you flip out when you catch him jerking off to your roommate's profile picture.

This guy thinks talking really fast makes him witty, owning Ray-Bans makes him stylish, and jackhammering you until you make a noise, any noise, means he's a sex god. Spoiler alert: none of the above.

Bukowski and Hemingway and Salinger, oh my!

This guy is S-A-D and he is definitely comfortable talking about it! And talking, and talking…. He's tried his hand at poetry, he's gonna send it to you via Facebook Messenger at 3 in the morning, and if you don't respond enthusiastically he's gonna tell you it was actually about his ex. Who, by the way, he's absolutely not over.

This guy isn't going to love you until you leave him. In the mean time, you'll alternate between spending nights at his place, getting drunk on cheap beer and smoking cigarettes on his grimy mattress (you already know this dude doesn't have a bed frame), and apologizing to your friends whenever you try to bring him out. I'm sorry, you'll say, I didn't know he was going to call you vapid because you follow Kylie Jenner on Instagram. But you did, because he already said the same thing to you.

Neil Did-I-ask? Tyson

Yeah, science is kind of pop culture now, at least as far as Bill Nye, Elon Musk (I classify him as science because, you know, space?) and Neil DeGrasse Tyson are concerned.

All of a sudden, every dude who's seen Planet Earth has a Very Serious Opinion about climate change to go with his David Attenborough impression. On the one hand, at least he cares — this guy definitely got at least a 4 on his AP Bio exam, recycles, and he probably subscribes to the New York Times.

But on the dark side — this dude's hygiene is gonna be a little bit subpar. Think long fingernails and an irregular shower schedule that he chalks up to "conserving water." He will ask you to go camping and do shrooms in the woods with him. I can't tell you what your answer to that should be.

@k80way