‘Sporking’ is the couple’s thirst-trap that’ll make you loathe your single life this Valentine’s Day
I’m unfollowing all ya’ll in these thirsty-ass situationships
by Ari Bines
It's officially February, and I just ended things with my Douche Face the day before his birthday—which happens to be today. Meanwhile, heart-shaped balloons are soon to be shoved up our collective asses, allergic reactions from fully-bloomed bouquets are kicking in, and my patience is being tested like never before.
Everyone I'd hoped would flop in their careers (read: everyone I know from high school) is all booed up on Instagram, and it's clear that they want us bitter single bitches to despise them even more by posting the ultimate couple's thirst trap. Prepare to swallow your own vomit now, kids, because this annoying thirst trap is what I call "sporking."
Gawd! Gag me!
You know you know what sporking is, because you've probably gone in search of it every February that you've been forced to have that lone wolf sex with good old righty. Filtering all of the #relationshipgoals #couplegoals #bae in the Insta search will present you with loads of puke-worthy cuddling, make out noises, and masterbation-worthy sporking.
Sporking can be described as one person sitting on top of their partner, legs ajar, while the other is underneath grabbing the ass of the person on top as they grind their whatever on the "bottom's" crotch. In other words, the starting position for dry-humpery.
I like to consider sporking the couple's thirst trap, because the two collectively scheme how they're going to pose to make all their single followers jealous as shit.
A lot of sporking is even filmed…
Who the fuck is filming this????
The biggest mindfuck of all in this couple's thirst trap is that if both horn-dog parties are too busy grinding on one another, then who the hell is the videographer for this shit? Are they getting off to this? Is there a direct deposit plan to watch all these couples dry hump each other? And my biggest question, where can I apply?
I know I'll see plenty of this annoying shit in my feed all month long alongside whack ass monthaversary dates, and I'm seriously considering blocking a lot of my own friends who I know are in relationships who will thirst-trap with their "baby." Just take notes from Kim, make a damn porno, and get the fuck out of my timeline.
Did you really think Warren Buffett was tweeting inspirational advice for teens?
Smart grind always pays off
by Harry Shukman
Warren Buffett, the billionare investor with a face like a dangly ballsack, is not dispensing advice for locals. And yet, people being people, they have fallen for a fake Warren Buffett account that tweets vanilla platitudes meant to inspire the extremely basic: Unless you're a total dunce and didn't spot that Warren Buffett has a…
Enough imagining dead celebrities in Heaven, I’m begging you
First of all, John McCain is in hell
by Amanda Ross
Death is awful, and I can't blame anyone for struggling to make sense of it. That's where the idea of an afterlife came from, right? Refusal to accept the nothingness waiting for us the moment our pulse stops? If it makes you feel better to imagine your grandma reclining on a cloud while the world…
This is how you can hide your Instagram pics without losing likes
If you’re trying to be scandalous
by Ari Bines
For those of you who are deluded into thinking you're Instagram famous with those 2,000 followers, this one's for you. While it's easier to delete Instagram pics from your grid, you may want to keep those sexy photos in an Instagram folder for a later time. Here's how to hide use your Instagram archive to…