What the fuck is Taylor Swift planning to do with her new MegaHouse?
Singer, songwriter, real estate mogul?
by Katie Way
Is Karlie Kloss going through a rough patch or something?
Taylor Swift has purchased a third apartment in a building in New York City's luxe Tribeca neighborhood — which just so happens to be next door to a townhouse she also owns.
This isn't the first time Taylor's made headlines for being a low-key real estate titan. Back in 2014 she bought two penthouse suites in the same building as her newest purchase, 155 Franklin, and combined them. Then in 2017 she bought a townhouse in 153 Franklin and allegedly shorted a real estate broker, who's suing her, in the process.
Nobody should be rich enough to do this: https://t.co/XTSqLOOIWU
— Katie Drummond (@katiedrumm) February 6, 2018
According to the New York Post, Taylor has spent a combined $50 million purchasing all of this primo, proximal NYC real estate, which is honestly rude.
Wake up, motherfuckers: it is becoming abundantly clear that Taylor is building a MegaHouse, and only God knows what she'll do with all that space.
Seriously, what the fuck is she gonna put in there?
I have a few theories, because it's my job to have a few theories about literally anything celebrities do. Ask me about Bella Hadid's mini horses!
A decked-out BDSM fuck dungeon
We still can't quite put our finger on why Taylor is with Human Triscuit Joe Alwyn, right? I propose that's because Alwyn's wild side only comes out behind closed doors, if you know what I mean — and I mean that he's a kinky little bitch who loves to be punished.
What else could explain Taylor's sudden pivot into dominatrix chic?
Taylor is a notorious perfectionist and a liiiittle bit of a control freak, and as such it has become necessary for her to have an entirely separate space just for her Instagram photoshoots with the Girl Squad. The existing spaces in Taylor Swift's townhouse and combined penthouses are simply insufficient, as are her properties in Beverly Hills, Nashville and scenic Rhode Island (which is ghastly this time of year).
She needs a space just to stage her posts. Nobody is allowed to sit on any of the furniture or laugh candidly unless they're on-camera.
Ed Sheeran, who needs somewhere to live for a little while
Now, obviously this is all speculation, but it's very easy to imagine that ol' Ed has gone an' lost his flat on account of the Eagles beating out the Patriots an' now he's got nowhere to bloody live, with a furious fiancée to boot! I mean, hypothetically, of course.
But even if Ed did lose his apartment in a bad Super Bowl bet, is Taylor really that generous? She does have a record of charitable giving, but even though Ed… looks the way he does, everyone's favorite multi-platinum ginger is far from needy.
The fallout from her debilitating hoarding problem
We know Taylor is sentimental — nobody hides that much ex-related-symbolism unless that care a whole fucking lot. I wouldn't be surprised if she's still holding onto Jake Gyllenhaal's old t-shirts, or John Mayer's collection of other women's underwear.
Plus, Taylor Swift has been famous since like, 2006. And you know what famous people get? Tons of free shit. That translates to literal tons of junk Ms. Swift has no idea what to do with. She's spending $50 million to store her trash!
C'mon. Cat apartment?! You know that's some shit T-Swift would pull. This is probably the real answer, and I can't even blame her. If I had $50 million to fling around, I'd do the exact same shit, but with lizards.