If you did any of these things as a kid, you’re in jail now

Like so much mythical demons, girls who wore Paris Blues jeans don't fear God. And why should they? As the hottest bitches in the ISS classroom, they made teachers quake in fear with every snap of their gum and flip of their crunchy-gel curls. And now, they're in jail. No exceptions. You probably are too if you committed just one of these treacherous sins or were any of these heinous people. Some crimes can never be forgiven.

This sign of the Devil

NOT TO BE CLASSIST (Ok, this is about to be very classist) but the only kids I ever saw doing this had all silver teeth, which is really an indictment on their parents because you know they were never forced to brush their teeth to a pink sand-timer like we were.

Not only are they in jail, but they watch Logan Paul videos from jail. They download 6ix9ine songs from jail. They are the most annoying people in jail.

The official yung thot uniform

OK, I did this. But only because the cool, slutty girls did it first — and by slutty, I mean they held hands with like, three guys and I was a scandalized hand-virgin. These are the same girls who did this with their flip-flops for middle school football games:

If you did this and you're not in jail, you at least have a baby. I do! Well, I have a cat which is considered a baby in some cultures. Fine, it's not considered a baby yet but if my senator would answer just one of my emails, we could get this government-recognized Cat Motherhood ball rolling. It's the civil rights battle of our time.

Imprison anyone who was into 'pranking'

Other phone-related things that deserve jail time:

-Verizon ringback tones

-Recording a song from the radio as your ringtone, especially if it was Kiss Me Thru The Phone or Lips of an Angel

-Leaving the keyboard sounds turned on

-Having any of the following phones: Samsung Katana, LG Rumor, or the Blackberry Pearl

Anyone who thought they were on X Games mode in PE

To this day, I'm terrified of anyone who thought a gym class game of HORSE was an Olympic qualifier. I don't know what to tell you — if you tried in PE, you're in jail now. Same goes for the kids who never dressed out.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, the girls and gays who teamed up to walk around the track in PE all have great skin now. Plus, everyone knows the bond between gym class girls and gays is the most sacred ever forged.

If you thought this was a #look, I'm calling the police

Same goes for girls who loved acrylics but never got them filled and insisted on tap-tap-tapping their flip-phones anyway. You know those girls. This was their signature:

Other fashion statements that condemned you to a life behind bars:

This thot I was friends with in middle school, Savannah, pierced her bellybutton in the bathroom and then gave herself a tattoo of a heart with a safety pin and a Sharpie and she's actually in jail now for burning down her parents' house after they got mad at her for fucking her foster brother. Then my mom told me I couldn't be friends with her anymore.

She also did this:

These kinds of boys are why I can never fully trust a man

Is there anything more terrifying than a middle school boy? I still cross the street if I see a group of them even though I'm like a foot taller than they are, with considerably more upper body strength.

If he thought it was cool to go into Spencer's at the mall and look at the shirts that said "Will work for blowjobs" or whatever, he definitely called the teacher "Miss" and I definitely had a super secret crush on him.

If you put a gum wrapper on your teeth like a grill, the Vice Principal made your parents sign your folder every day after school

If you crushed your Smarties and pretended to smoke them, studies show you're a crackhead now.

You also probably spent all of your time in ISS, which is just jail for kids with ADD and girls who violated the dress code.

So much of this, though, wasn't so much the kid's fault as it was their deadbeat parents’ who like, sent them to school with a Caprisun to drink every single day! Those things are zero percent fruit juice! Same goes for whatever teen mom's mom let their kids eat literal cookies for breakfast:

Or let them fall asleep to the dulcet tones of Viva La Bam, specifically the episode in which he just calls his dad a fatass all day:

And finally, the most sinister crime of all:

Related stories recommended by this writer:

● I finished high school and became a stripper

● This terrible high schooler bragged about reporting his undocumented classmate so they could be deported

● Here's what your favorite doll growing up says about you