If you did any of these things as a kid, you’re in jail now
You’re reading this from the jail library, actually
by Amanda Ross
Like so much mythical demons, girls who wore Paris Blues jeans don't fear God. And why should they? As the hottest bitches in the ISS classroom, they made teachers quake in fear with every snap of their gum and flip of their crunchy-gel curls. And now, they're in jail. No exceptions. You probably are too if you committed just one of these treacherous sins or were any of these heinous people. Some crimes can never be forgiven.
This sign of the Devil
The kids at school that used to flip their eyelids inside out are all in jail now
— Ben Polizzi (@BenPolizzi) February 8, 2018
NOT TO BE CLASSIST (Ok, this is about to be very classist) but the only kids I ever saw doing this had all silver teeth, which is really an indictment on their parents because you know they were never forced to brush their teeth to a pink sand-timer like we were.
Pretty sure these kids back in the day who used to flip their eyelids to scare their friends are in jails now. pic.twitter.com/Li6LKSIebV
— Rayyan (@pamanayan_) November 24, 2017
Not only are they in jail, but they watch Logan Paul videos from jail. They download 6ix9ine songs from jail. They are the most annoying people in jail.
The official yung thot uniform
girls who did this to their shirts in middle school are in jail now pic.twitter.com/1I8zZp6rbU
— kelsie (@kelsiedanderson) January 29, 2018
OK, I did this. But only because the cool, slutty girls did it first — and by slutty, I mean they held hands with like, three guys and I was a scandalized hand-virgin. These are the same girls who did this with their flip-flops for middle school football games:
If you did this and you're not in jail, you at least have a baby. I do! Well, I have a cat which is considered a baby in some cultures. Fine, it's not considered a baby yet but if my senator would answer just one of my emails, we could get this government-recognized Cat Motherhood ball rolling. It's the civil rights battle of our time.
Imprison anyone who was into 'pranking'
those people who used to record voicemails that were like "hey what's up? *pause* haha just kidding i'm not here right now leave a message" are all in jail now
— jake (@HUNTYCHAN) February 2, 2018
Other phone-related things that deserve jail time:
-Verizon ringback tones
-Recording a song from the radio as your ringtone, especially if it was Kiss Me Thru The Phone or Lips of an Angel
-Leaving the keyboard sounds turned on
-Having any of the following phones: Samsung Katana, LG Rumor, or the Blackberry Pearl
Anyone who thought they were on X Games mode in PE
people who ran the mile in middle school are all in jail now
— jd (@jdisblack) February 6, 2018
To this day, I'm terrified of anyone who thought a gym class game of HORSE was an Olympic qualifier. I don't know what to tell you — if you tried in PE, you're in jail now. Same goes for the kids who never dressed out.
that one kid in PE class that ran the mile in jeans is in jail now for arson and battery
— bay (@lilslops) January 29, 2018
On the opposite end of the spectrum, the girls and gays who teamed up to walk around the track in PE all have great skin now. Plus, everyone knows the bond between gym class girls and gays is the most sacred ever forged.
If you thought this was a #look, I'm calling the police
Remember those girls in high school who painted their nails with white-out? They’re all in jail now
— Maddie Small (@bigbadmads) February 6, 2018
Same goes for girls who loved acrylics but never got them filled and insisted on tap-tap-tapping their flip-phones anyway. You know those girls. This was their signature:
Every girl who sat on her bedroom floor to do her makeup in front of a full-length Mirror is pregnant or in jail now
— AMANDA ROSS (@itsamandaross) February 8, 2018
girls who wrote their a's like this had the worst attitude pic.twitter.com/mT3jxBS9mC
— AMANDA ROSS (@itsamandaross) February 8, 2018
Other fashion statements that condemned you to a life behind bars:
The girls who carried these back in the day are in jail now pic.twitter.com/8rfQpqHNmL
— Quinn (@QuinnMarchal) November 27, 2017
girls who wore these shirts in elementary school are in jail now pic.twitter.com/puB6BSWUt3
— dick knutson goes platinum (@thotcelot) January 29, 2018
Girls who rolled their soffe shorts more than twice are in jail now ☕️🐸
— ﾑ丂んんんん ✌🏼 (@AshBlair22) December 31, 2017
girls who gave themselves piercings in the school bathroom are in jail now
— chief toad lord gamabunta (@scorpiogothgf) December 5, 2017
This thot I was friends with in middle school, Savannah, pierced her bellybutton in the bathroom and then gave herself a tattoo of a heart with a safety pin and a Sharpie and she's actually in jail now for burning down her parents' house after they got mad at her for fucking her foster brother. Then my mom told me I couldn't be friends with her anymore.
She also did this:
girls who curled their hair with a hair straightener are in jail now
— suji (@jellypact) December 3, 2017
These kinds of boys are why I can never fully trust a man
Is there anything more terrifying than a middle school boy? I still cross the street if I see a group of them even though I'm like a foot taller than they are, with considerably more upper body strength.
the boys that wore cookie monster hats from hot topic and “i love boobies” bracelets in middle school are all in jail now
— reaghan (@reaghanhunt) February 3, 2018
If he thought it was cool to go into Spencer's at the mall and look at the shirts that said "Will work for blowjobs" or whatever, he definitely called the teacher "Miss" and I definitely had a super secret crush on him.
anyone who laced their shoes like this in middle school is in jail now pic.twitter.com/mfrpDJtCbR
— shannon (@shannonnuspel) February 2, 2018
If you put a gum wrapper on your teeth like a grill, the Vice Principal made your parents sign your folder every day after school
If you crushed your Smarties and pretended to smoke them, studies show you're a crackhead now.
Kids who snorted smarties are all now in jail for possession of crack cocaine in a federal building
— white man's fag (@cumpsters) February 7, 2018
You also probably spent all of your time in ISS, which is just jail for kids with ADD and girls who violated the dress code.
kids who screamed when the teacher turned the lights off in middle school are either married or in jail now
— 🍒victoria rose🍒 (@paIethetic) February 4, 2018
So much of this, though, wasn't so much the kid's fault as it was their deadbeat parents’ who like, sent them to school with a Caprisun to drink every single day! Those things are zero percent fruit juice! Same goes for whatever teen mom's mom let their kids eat literal cookies for breakfast:
People who ate Cookie Crisp when they were kids are in jail now
— KING HAWK (@KingHawk__) February 4, 2018
Or let them fall asleep to the dulcet tones of Viva La Bam, specifically the episode in which he just calls his dad a fatass all day:
The children who’s parents let them sleep with the tv are in jail now
— Shelby (@ShelbyRose97) February 8, 2018
And finally, the most sinister crime of all:
dudes who picked bulbasaur are in jail now
— Lane (@LaneShivelyy) February 2, 2018
Related stories recommended by this writer:
High-profile cryptocurrency founder writes blog posts about sex with preteen girls, and says condemning pedophilia is ‘nonsense’
Now he claims the posts are fiction
by Nian Hu
Gavin Wood, the cofounder of the cryptocurrency project Ethereum, revealed in a blog post in 2013 that he is a pedophile who had sex with a 10-year-old girl dying of AIDS. The blog post has since been deleted, but its contents were reposted on Reddit. Wood also wrote other blog posts in which he defended…
The secret to perfect skin that never ages: Minding your own damn business
Consider this your reward for not being racist!
by Nian Hu
You've probably heard this before: black don't crack, Asian don't raisin, brown don't frown. And it's true! Just look at Pharrell. That man has literally looked like a college freshman for the past 10 years. Thanks to the power of melanin, people of color tend to age remarkably well.White people, however, aren't usually so lucky…
Watch this bloodthirsty grandma shoot the fuck out of a 500lb gator because it ate her pet horse
by Josh Kaplan
What do you think your grandmother is doing right now? For those of you lucky enough to answer anything other than "turning in her grave, ashamed of the useless offspring she accidentally created", your grandma is probably doing something wholesome. Maybe baking a nice pumpkin pie (the first of the season), or thinking about what…