Your friends can never be totally honest with you, so I will. Here’s exactly how to get over a loser guy

There are so many conventional ways to get over someone. The boring suggestions touted by every other women's site are so lamer they’re sleep-inducing. Really? Throw a "over him" party with other scorned women, burn your favorite hoodie of theirs and then watch "John Tucker Must Die"? No. But my plans to get over an ex are way more savage. So savage, in fact, that all of your girlfriends will probably be totally against it—which is exactly why you need to go against them if you're really trying to rid yourself of fuckboy memories. Take my advice and just do these risky tasks.

You'll feel way more liberated and even a sense of payback for all the shit they put you through.

Makeout with his much hotter friend

Every girl has been struck at least once with an unexpected stomach-tightening because she's met a guy who she knows is way hotter than her own beau. He's the guy your girlfriends are telling you to steer clear of and your ex's bffs were probably whispering similar warnings to him when ya'll were still on your Chuck and Blair shit. Well, your chance to delve into your temptation has finally arrived. Your girls will tell you that you're playing with fire, but wait until you get burned to actually give a fuck. You know you'll feel better.

Follow his other exes on social media

This may sound crazy, but befriending your ex's exes can actually make you feel a whole lot better. It’s the same principle that united you with your ride or dies: one bitch pissed you both off, and the rest is history. You'll be able to chat through coffee and laugh at his assorted inadequacies.

Make a penis cake…then knife it

Use all those unwarranted dick pics he sent you before you were official and make a penis cake with his face on it. The point isn't to eat the cake, but to hash out all your frustrations on those lousy set of balls. A lot of your gal pals will think you're resorting to violence and insist that you "chill out", but fuck that. You know you don't want to go to jail, but you can at least pretend to deform him so you feel like he'll never have sex again.

Some or none of these suggestions will be supported by your squad, but it's not their relationship, so you do you, boo. There are safe, legal ways to get back at your ex when they couldn't keep it in their pants and you have every right to not give a fuck. He sure as hell didn't.

@aribines