If you think you want to try this new ‘baby bangs’ trend, just call your therapist instead
Who the hell approved this mess?
by Ari Bines
It's 2018, and for some unfathomable reason, we're resurrecting the ugliest looks of all time. We've given new life to trends from 2008 and now, we're apparently really into looking like a feudal lord from 1408 England — except now they're called "baby bangs" and they make me want to die.
Whoever told you this was a cute look probably has it out for you, I'm sorry to say.
They're a tried-and-failed attempt to cut legit bangs, like you used to do to your Barbies
Not even Queen Bey can pull off this horrendous look, which really says it all. What I always wondered is who would hate you enough to let you to walk out of the door like this and tell you it looked chic? Is this really what we're calling a look? It literally turns any forehead into a fivehead. and I'm pretty sure this is how we fucked up every cut on doll hair in throughout kindergarten.
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Something about it makes the wearer look…scared
One thing I despised about the baby bangs look is that anyone who wears them looks terrified. I'm not sure if it's due to the combined factors of the fivehead and wide eyes that make people look so awkward or the fact that the wearer realizes what a huge fuckup they've made by cutting their hair at all.
And some look like straight-up hats
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Like look me in the eyes and tell me that isn't Lord Farquaad and not the otherwise-beautiful Kat Von D.
I personally think it's a look for mentally unstable serial killers, but by all means, wear it to send a message to the dickweeds on your hit list. Or whatever you have to tell yourself to get through the day.
Are you rich, caucasian, and stricken with jaundice? Then does Yves Saint Laurent has the foundation for you!
Ideal for snippy PR interns and no one else
by Amanda Ross
Ladies and gentlegays of the jury, it brings me no pleasure at all to gather you here today. Over there, you'll find the accused. YSL Beauty, charged with the most heinous crime a makeup line could commit: creating horrific, one-shade foundation you could use for spackling holes in a nursing home dining room. Premeditated, natch.…
All I’ve ever wanted to was to be a Bangs Girl
‘She bangs!’ was always a caption in the beauty magazines of my youth :-(
by Amanda Ross
I've got dreams: to get married, write a book, have babies who will grow up to be hotter than your babies, sell this company for millions of dollars and cash the fuck out back to a mansion in Texas. But they all pale in comparison to my one true dream: successfully pull of bangs. Bangs…
It is time to rise up against The Blue Eyes
Join me, my brothers and sisters
by Amanda Ross
This is not a rant about Eurocentric beauty standards. It's not taking a stand against a particular facial ideal or pushing back against unrealistic expectations. This story is, like all things in this world, about me. ;-)Ask any person with light eyes what color they are. No, physically stand up and ask someone around you.…