Here are proven methods for successfully sliding into DMs
I don’t want to say ‘works every time’, buuuut…
It's 2018 and we no longer mess around. The time is now to get out of your Insta-stalking habit and take initiative for once by making the first move, and the best place to do that is via Instagram DMs.
You're probably already done liking their most recent Instagram post, saved all their shirtless photos to your "special" folder, but have yet to even put a comment down on any of their selfies.
From exes to crushes to celebrities you never thought you'd meet, here's to effectively slide into DMs:
Here's how to DM your crush
The way to slide into the DMs of your crush is to make sure they know you're alive.
Whatever it is that makes you recognizable to them is your immediate entry. If they know you from school, ask about a paper that's due or complain about your shared hatred for your poly-sci professor. In my case, in which I crushed on a coworker from my retail days, I bitched about the store manager and because he hated that bitch too, we got so far into spilling retail horror stories that he invited me out for drinks over the weekend.
In the event that your crush has no clue of your existence, slide into the DMs of one of their associates. You can't just show up to the party without an invitation, so make one with their friend. It'll be way less awkward — unless you're also trying to get it in with the friend.
And here's how to DM the ex you're not over
Depending on how your relationship ended, this can go one of two ways: you can simply start with shooting them a small smiley face emoji (do not send any of the smileys showing teeth) or the teary-eyed emoji face. Sliding into your ex's DMs with emojis will help you to understand how they may respond.
So my ex hit my DM last night and slid me his number and said "hit me up" so I replied "why"?! …. Im still waiting on his response ??
— LaQwanda (@LaQwanda5) February 14, 2018
They can't block you right away nor can they send you a nasty message because they won't want to come off as rude when you haven't even sent them any actual words. You might feel anxiety as you wait on their response, but you can expect that you won't be getting cursed out right off the bat.
Want to hit up a booty call for more sex? DM them
The last time I was in a friends with benefits situationship, he got jealous as fuck and I wasn't aroused by any of his tears when he wanted to make it official. On the other hand, if you feel awkward about looking like a thirsty thot, bring up something totally objective that has nothing to do with what you're both using each other for.
So this chick on my Instagram actually posted in her story a naked picture asking her FWB why he don’t want a serious relationship because she thought that by agreeing to have sex with him he would change his mind…
I’m just like WTF ?
— Jesse of House Stark (@puertoricangeek) February 8, 2018
If you're college buddies, discuss going to the gym together to workout where you both look naturally disgusting or maybe even think about inviting them to eat the chemicals your school calls lunch in the mess hall. I went the even simpler route and asked if he'd come do laundry with me, because no one gets turned on by cleaning out other people's sex stains. Either way, as long as you mention you want the hangout as dull and tedious as possible, you can determine if there's something more there.
Finally! The grand finale: here's how to DM a celebrity
There's actual proof of success in this next tactic. A highschooler actually did her DM duty so well that Austin Mahone replied to her bombardment of edited selfies. It's all about subtle thirst-trapping in the case of celebrities.
Thirst-trapping your favorite celebrity isn't your everyday, run-of-the-mill nude sext, but more of a "hey come and play with my dog, Sparky" kind of vibe. Similar to what this high school student did, you'll want to send your most mundane pictures that you wouldn't be caught dead uploading to even the likes of MySpace.
Shawnnnnnnnnnnn please reply my dm?????????
— Mohita_1998 (@MohitaOchani) February 14, 2018
The key is to fan-girl your messages, making them feel sorry for you and your peasant-level poorness. Some celebs are so shallow, they believe anyone below their net-worthiness is still texting from a Motorola Razor phone. They're used to having their DMs flooded with old men's shriveled dicks and other uncalled for thottie photography, which is why a pic of you in your simple small town girl look sportng basic black leggings and riding boots is a breath of fresh Middle American air in their messages.
Be sure to toss in the complete lie that it's your birthday, then throw in lots of sad, yet convincing images of you and your two gal pals for your "21st" at Tommy's Pizza and mention how you wish they could be there to eat cake with you, and before you know it, you're seeing a well-mannered response from Charlie Puth or Shawn Mendez.
Related stories recommended by this writer:
Aziz Ansari talks about the sexual misconduct allegations against him for the first time
‘I hope I’ve become a better person’
In a gig on Monday night, Aziz Ansari talked for the first time about the allegations of sexual misconduct made against him last year. During a massively oversubscribed gig at Village Underground in New York, Ansari said he hopes he has "become a better person." Vulture first reported the comments. The site said Ansari led…
Instagram now tells people when you screenshot, so just throw away your whole damn phone
Who thought this was a good idea!?
by Caroline Phinney
Lately, Instagram has sucked for a lot of reasons: posts are no longer in chronological order, influencers are reportedly being screwed out of money, and now, on top of everything else, Instagram alerts someone when you take a screenshot. Is nothing sacred?! Long gone are the days of snapping pics of your ‘friends’ and then…
People are slamming Bumble for an ‘abusive’ ad campaign involving painting endangered elephants
“No one should even consider climbing on an elephant’s back”
by Nian Hu
Bumble recently launched in India and celebrated with a launch party at City Palace in Jaipur. Instagram posts and stories reveal that the CEO Whiteny Wolfe Herd and various celebrities were in attendance. Several photos of the event show elephants being ridden with the Bumble logo painted on their faces. According to PETA Executive Vice…