We pranked our one-night stands for Valentine’s Day and told them we wanted a serious relationship
God, they really hate us
by Amanda Ross
The universal rule of suffering, be it through a diet, a bad movie, or perpetual singledom, is that we refuse to go it alone. Especially on Valentine's Day. I actually like the holiday until I start seeing ghosts of penises past in my contact list and start wondering what became of them.
So the babe girls and I did what any normal group of friends in a mid-day lull would do: we pranked the shit out of them.
The rules were simple: pick a former sex friend and with absolutely no context or explanation, say we loved the gift they got us and yes, we accept their offer to start dating seriously.
Naturally, they panicked.
They were really upset that we wanted to stop sexing and start doing the full-on couple thing. You know, like going to farmer's markets and shit.
This guy was CLEARLY super torn up about me, like he's obviously never moved on and hasn't learned to love again yet:
Some of the guys were weirdly into it, though? This is not what I planned on, tbh.
It was actually aggravating when they were nice! Like, stop trying to convince us you're actually a person. I know the truth.
Ah yes, here we go. Back to mean:
This denial is like oxygen in my LUNGS. I crave it.
And here we have Joe, the only smart one:
Your #MCM has nothing on this big-dicked zoo animal
Time to dump your boyfriend for a tapir
by Nian Hu
Look, we all know that men can be unbelievably frustrating. Sure, they can be cute sometimes. But they barrage us with thirsty DMs and unsolicited dick pics, they ghost us after one date, and they use the same body wash to clean their hair and their nutsack. Hard pass. And even when we do end…
Did 3OH!3 predict hoeism’s meteoric rise?
It was definitely ahead of its time
by Amanda Ross
Allow me to paint a picture for you: it's the summer of 2008, the sun is beating down on the ginormous parking lot in which Warped Tour is held. A massive crowd of sweating teenagers in ass-cheek-revealing shorts from Ruehl (OMG remember Ruehl? That's a story for another time…) gathers in front of a main…
Should I go to Costa Rica with this wealthy older man I just met?
Or is it the plot of Taken 4!
by Harry Shukman
Imagine a mysterious and rich man met you in the park – the park! – asked you out, paid for your drinks, gave you gift cards, offered you dental surgery, and then asked to take you away to Costa Rica. Should you go? That's what one girl is asking in a relationship advice post that has to…