We pranked our one-night stands for Valentine’s Day and told them we wanted a serious relationship
God, they really hate us
by Amanda Ross
The universal rule of suffering, be it through a diet, a bad movie, or perpetual singledom, is that we refuse to go it alone. Especially on Valentine's Day. I actually like the holiday until I start seeing ghosts of penises past in my contact list and start wondering what became of them.
So the babe girls and I did what any normal group of friends in a mid-day lull would do: we pranked the shit out of them.
The rules were simple: pick a former sex friend and with absolutely no context or explanation, say we loved the gift they got us and yes, we accept their offer to start dating seriously.
Naturally, they panicked.
They were really upset that we wanted to stop sexing and start doing the full-on couple thing. You know, like going to farmer's markets and shit.
This guy was CLEARLY super torn up about me, like he's obviously never moved on and hasn't learned to love again yet:
Some of the guys were weirdly into it, though? This is not what I planned on, tbh.
It was actually aggravating when they were nice! Like, stop trying to convince us you're actually a person. I know the truth.
Ah yes, here we go. Back to mean:
This denial is like oxygen in my LUNGS. I crave it.
And here we have Joe, the only smart one:
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‘We were in my English classroom and he came on the desk’
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