Here’s what your ex’s name says about him according to Urban Dictionary (hint: it’s not good)
SPOILER: They’re all trash
by Ari Bines
Valentine's Day is finally over, so we can all revisit the lonely misery of the present, spy on our assorted exe's social handles and continue to scrape the barrels of courage to invite our current hookup to dinner and a movie instead of partaking in another hump and dump session.
In lieu of looking back on relationship fuck-ups, I've compiled a list of Urban Dictionary definitions of every one of your ex bae's names and what they reveal about how suckish they were when you were still getting under them:
A godlike sense of self is exactly why is mess of a partnership ended. Anyone who's ever had to spend more than 20 minutes locked in a car with an Alex knows that full-blare static on the radio is a better alternative than listening to him talk about nothing but himself.
If that isn't a spot-on description of every one of your dates with a Josh, I'm not sure you've dated enough of them in your lifetime to conclude they're all psychopaths.
Idc how petty it comes off. I've sworn off Libra males and all guys named "Josh". Not just because my ex Josh was trash…but because most Josh's I know are trash & Libra men ain't shit in a relationship
— Banana 🍌 (@AnaSofaKingCoo) December 26, 2017
Basically, if you've ever dated a Luke, you've probably seen him talking to a Stacy outside the women's bathroom while you were waiting on him to bring you a mojito.
Yeah, that's Aaron. Practical to a fault. This relationship probably ended because you were fucking sick of his patronizing need to man-splain everything you've ever loved. Fuck off, Aaron, I don't need you six-thousand word thesis about why Pokemon is imperialist propaganda!
In a literal sense, this describes exactly zero Matts I've ever known. But if you think about the fact that the guy who wrote that entry is obviously named Matt, then it all makes sense. Of course Matt would think that's his effect on women. Of course.
Skilled at making you buy your own Plan B, yeah.
I would tell you to go talk to someone, but you're probably already having relapses of PTSD from your Kareem's ceaseless psychoanalyses of why you needed mental help while dating him.
@e_saleam Yes hes my boyfriend now. Kareem WAS my bf now hes my EX after I found his pics in ur phone thn figured he cheated on me wd uu! :P
— Lamiaa Alawlaqi❤™ (@LamiaaAlawlaqi) May 10, 2013
Connors have a few interesting definitions to them. One assesses Connors as a "sexy hippie" and the other reads "when sarcasm takes a living form". The second definitely triggers thoughts of every frat boy at a basement party blasting 3Oh!3's Don't Trust Me.
I always feel personally responsible for not stopping women from dating guys named Connor.
— Ryderdye (@MrRydiculous) September 30, 2017
I know two different Brandons and if their four girlfriends knew about each other, they would probably say they all fit this description to a tee.
if his name is Brandon, he’s DEFINITELY a hoe.
— 🧞♀️ (@jvnve_) January 3, 2018
You're risking being seriously ghosted if he can bring old Sparky back to his feet. There's practically a line of dead pets with other female owners awaiting a to redress their teacup canines in tutus.
Sex-crazed? Absolutely. Skilled at said sex? Well, that depends on if your definition of skilled includes jackhammer your assorted orifices like he's on-site at a construction zone. Oh, it isn't? Yeah, mine neither. That's why I dumped him.
Rapier wit? Girl, get out! Like now.
I'm not sure if #usuallygay is going to sit well with me. I'm not mentally prepared to lose Nick Jonas to the queens.
Guys named Jesse are proven to give you you nothing but crabs and last-minute trips to see your reliable therapist, Target.
psa: all hot guys are named Jesse
— n i k a e l a🌸 (@nixzata) October 15, 2017
Hopefully you're not that girl leading on some sad sucker named Andre, but if you are, see if he'll offer to buy you more blush brushes.
5 guys that have hit on me in the past 2 weeks have all been named Dre or Andre. Wtf.
— dont talk to me (@CiaraSpeak) September 2, 2015
I hope bad names aren't contagious or genetic if an Aaron were to "accidentally" knock me up.
Basically, he's a total narc and you should never carry your suspect weed soda can around him.
I feel like every guy named Jake had the nickname The Snake for at least a minute of their lives. Which I'm actually pretty jealous of
— Heavyset Panther (@jamessoto81) January 20, 2018
There's no possibilities to be wary of ladies. Any guy named Kyle is most definitely a creeper sniffing panties without question.
How tall is tall exactly? I'm very conflicted.
Every guy I know named Eric is either really cool or evil as fuck, theres no in between
— i most likely forgot your and my names (@Lovelylucygomez) January 22, 2018
Doesn't every guy with muscles have a brain of acid mush? They don't need to think about anything other than protein powder.
Welp! That confirms every creepy suspicion I have about Afleck.
Every guy named Ben either ugly or got an abnormal shaped head
— sharon that bitch (@UrWallenSharon) October 9, 2017
We all know a Logan, and I'm still questioning why I waste away my life with them all.
What milf would be at the library looking for a Ryan? That's most likely the name of her own son.
If I die in this Uber, I’ll be so pissed I went out with a guy named Ryan.
— Mikaela Dault (@mikaeladault) February 15, 2018
I don't think a Derek has even seen a pair of boobs if his idea of great sex is obliterating your intestines.
It's pretty damn hot to watch a guy fix his crotch. But maybe that's just my obsession with the Biebs.
Every girl had a crush on a guy named Justin
— Owen (@YOLOwen) February 11, 2018
If one of these guys is not your ex, his name still probably falls on the list of the 25 guys you've slept with. And if not, why haven't you start lurking for more?