We asked girls to tell us their very first hoe stories and the shit they told us was wiiiild
‘All I did was sext in skeezy Yahoo! chatrooms’
Now that it's 2018 and we're all grown up and glowed up, of course we have wild hoeing stories. I mean, shit, who knew President's Day weekend could be so crazy?
But a hoe doesn't just wake up a hoe one day. We begin learning at a young age, and we all have a first hoe story, so we asked some babe girls about theirs:
When I was 14, I went camping with a bunch of my classmates. I got drunk off one bottle of VK and showed my tits to about 8 guys. It was the start of something beautiful.
Watching my club penguin boyfriend talk to all his other basic ass penguin hoes like 🙄
— jane (@yeehaw_dog) February 15, 2018
I had a boyfriend in Club Penguin when I was 13 or 14. His name was Chris and he was purple. We'd log on every day and hang out. Sled racing was our thing. It ended when I ghosted him because I got bored of the game, but I like to imaging he still remembers me as the one who got away.
In 7th grade, I used to pull my thong strings above my pants any time I had to get up in front of the class.
When I was in fifth grade, I would regularly go on adult Yahoo! chatrooms to instant-message sext with what were probably very creepy old men. Also, I used a picture of Lindsay Lohan and said it was me.
Additionally, I was the ultimate Neopets hoe and was always trying to trap some Neo boyfriends.
The scene was Appel Farm Arts Camp circa 2007. It was my first time making out with a boy and I rolled over onto some berries that had fallen out of a tree onto the grass. The kid “felt me up” so basically just palmed my flat sternum. My mom saw the purple stains on the back of my white shirt when I got home and through a little interrogation I confessed the whole ordeal to her like I was Mary fuckin Magdalene. He still slides into my DMs on occasion.
It’s nice to know in this ever changing world I can still count on his unsolicited dick pics even after all these years.
I used to go on WeeWorld and sext people and read sex stories. I was in 6th grade and had no clue how things worked. The people I chatted with must've thought I was a fucking weirdo or an alien because the anatomy and stuff didn't make sense. I also had like, four boyfriends on Gaia.
Not my first hoe story but I was like, in 9th grade when I got my first vibrator. I remember planning the whole day out perfectly, being dropped off at the mall, spending hours staring at the options, buying it, rushing to the bathroom to dispose of the box and put it in my bag, batteries separately of course. Then trying to not freak out when my mom asked what I got at the mall.
In 9th grade, my best girl friend and I made out in the classroom every time the professor left the room.
For my 13th birthday, my parents let me have guys and girls over. Me and a few of the guys were in my tree house and I was the only girl at the time who had anything that could look like boobs and I flashed them for the boys.
Remember going into a chatroom as a little kid and getting nothing but 'Hey ASL?'
— T-Dilla 4TH (@TimmyPTGOD) July 3, 2011
I vaguely remember sexting horny guys via DM on Gaia and being very descriptive for a 12-year-old. That, plus the roleplay guilds I was in (can you see my shame from over there?) included a lot of descriptive sexting and stories about sex. It’s no wonder I’m the sexual deviant I am today.
When I was 13, I'd write fantasy sex stories like, "Then he said, 'Let's go to the balcony', and the balcony was covered in rose petals as more rained down on our naked bodies as he licked my boobs." It was embarrassingly descriptive, and I'd ask people on MySpace if they wanted to read them.
In 6th grade, this guy was asking me for nudes over and over again on my flip phone so I went into my sexual education book and sent him pictures of the cartoon vaginas. The quality was so poor he thought they were real. He jerked off to a cartoon putting a tampon in.
When I was 16, I was talking to a friend of mine from tumblr on AIM and I sent him a pic of me in my Victoria's Secret thong that I got for free from the store.
The glory of the free thong at a young age. We've all been there.