My friends think my obsession with horoscopes is ruining my life, which is exactly what my horoscope said they’d say
I saw this coming
I’m the most astrologically involved of all my friends. They can’t tell you what their moon sign is or the difference between their rising and midhaven. They’re basically useless and rely on me to tell them everything.
But I've successfully made my obsession my entire personality, and my friends are jealous. For guidance, I use Daily Horoscopes but I download Horoscoper Club when Daily Horoscope doesn’t mention my love life. I hate when they talk about my health or job, who the fuck cares.
I know I'm not in love with anyone right now because I only read my own horoscope
— ashley ray (@arayyay) September 6, 2017
I’m a Pisces-Aires cusp, so to understand me you must know Pisces and Aries are opposites, giving me a complex, sophisticated personality. So when I don't like the horoscope for Pisces, I check the Aries one. My multifaceted personality allows me to flow between them. I don’t know if you’re technically allowed to do this.
Between Pisces and Aries on two apps, I hand-pick the advice I want to hear. I’m a firm believer in the stars dictating our lives, and I think my scope gives me valid advice — you just have to know how to interpret it right. For example: My horoscope told me I “shouldn't get too comfortable," so I left my apartment and I'm currently living out of a parked car2go. I’m seeing a lot of parts of the city I haven’t explored, like a lot of parking lots I didn’t know existed.
It also said I should “take a stand in my area of work”. I can’t tell if it’s about my job or the profile I made on that sugar baby website. Maybe I need to change my pic? I guess this is one of the problems modern women with multiple hustles have to face.
Once it said this week would bring a stranger to me, so I texted my ex and tried to catch up. I hadn’t talked to him in weeks so he was basically a stranger. He didn’t respond until 1am when he said “you still thinkin' bout this dick?”
i read my horoscope and it said we aren’t compatible, so i’m breaking up with you.
— Pouty Girl (@CorinnaKopf) February 16, 2018
It said “don’t rush into any commitments,” so I canceled my appointment with the dermatologist to have a mole on my back checked out, because I don’t want to commit to the possibility of having cancer. That’s something that sticks for life. It would be a whole thing with more appointments and just ugh.
But this is what I’m writing about— my horoscope mentioned people close to me might cause conflict in my life, and the next day my group chat roasted me. I asked if I could use one of my friends showers because I live in a car2go, and thats when everyone came for me and said I was letting my horoscope was ruin my life. Like totally out of nowhere.
At first I was defensive, but I had to remind myself they couldn't possibly understand newly discovered spirituality and connection to the stars. My friends, who are supposed to have my best interests at heart tried to have a dramatic intervention with me! And my horoscope warned me just the day before.
My horoscope said don’t trust you 🔪
— Eboni🖤 (@SmartAssCanBe) November 12, 2017
I’m not sure what I’ll do now that I’m alone, but I can only park my car2go within New York city limits and parts of Brooklyn, so I won’t be far. I’m just thankful my horoscope put me in the right state of mind to deny and deflect that intervention.
But I wonder why it didn’t warn me about my upcoming UTI? Who knows, the universe works in mysterious ways.
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