FACT: No one fucks you up more than your very first boyfriend


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FACT: No one fucks you up more than your very first boyfriend

You’re basically the experiment, and everything goes wrong

My very first boyfriend is the same one my parents cooed over and never let me forget how "good" he was to me.

But while they were going off, I was sparing them all the gory details on his manipulation, how he was low-key racist for stereotyping me as an angry Black woman, and his insistence that I don't participate in the time-honored tradition that is underage drinking in college.

It's a truism of life that being someone's first girlfriend is a fate worse than death (or being on top).

You have no one to compare him to, so any and all behavior feels like par for the course

At first, you may feel like it's good that he won't have anyone to compare himself to because it will eliminate arguments over exes, but the real problem is that you won't be able to compare him to anyone either — and that'll leave you screwed up.

If you have no point of reference, it's easy to have not-even-close-to-ok behavior pulled on you every other week. Poor communication skills, cheating, blowing you off, whatever. And most of it is done so sneakily, you can barely register what's happening.

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If it's not his first time around, you always want to know you're better than his last. You're able to convince yourself that he won’t fuck up the relationship in the exact same way he did previously. Because you're different, right? Poor, sweet, naive child. Just because he doesn't have a text history filled with basic bitches, he might still be looking through the menu of available Insta hoes without you even realizing it.

He doesn’t know any of ‘the rules’

There are so many beginners' rules to know when starting out in a relationship, and neither of you know them.

He should know better than to FaceTime you without warning. I don't know that I'm "naturally" beautiful yet, so until I convince myself otherwise, text me for approval.

Another thing he's probably guilty of as a first-time boyfriend is texting in front of you. If I'm entertaining enough to be someone's girl, texting with a best friend in my presence shouldn't be an issue. It wouldn't shock me if you've let it happen, too. A quick convo is fine, but it should just be to let the other party know his attention is already occupied.

I'm not at all surprised if your first boyfriend only picked up food for himself and didn't even consider the idea that you might be dying of starvation. Seems petty, but it falls under the umbrella of not taking your feelings into consideration. That's another basic rule my first boyfriend never picked up on and I was ready to fight him almost every chance I got.

First-time boyfriends tend to be the kind to openly admit you didn’t look good when you ask for his opinion. He'll say he's just being honest, but I know when a look is good. Who's he to talk when he's sporting jeans and a T-shirt everyday? He hasn't yet learned the art of shutting the fuck up.

He also has no clue that he's not allowed to discuss sports with you because you hate all sports, and don't know a single thing about scoring except for the in-the-backseat king. Who the hell cares if some wife-beater's making it into the end-zone? He's still a wife-beater!

Your first boyfriend will definitely have you messed up in the head because he doesn’t know a damn thing about PDA and you're one of the few who enjoy it.

Aww, I want that

I always wanted my first boyfriend to be a little assertive with me and be the first to grab my hand, but alas — he always left my ass out to dry because he didn't know a damn thing about romancing. So, naturally I assumed he hated me and didn't know how to breakup with me without making me cry. Also, being the first to date him just means he'll use it against you in an argument because "it’s his first rodeo."

You have to teach him how to have sex with YOU

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If you're someone's first girlfriend at age 21+, chances are you're dating a retired man whore. There's no way he knows what you like. Just because he's had sex before, don't assume he knows anything about it in regards to a legit relationship.

Typically, guys forget that not every girl is the same. He can’t just replug his old formula (literally, ew) and assume it works with you because all those other girls he slept with were faking it, too. Don't make the bad sex worse for yourself. You have to be willing and ready to let him know that his stroke game is weak and you won’t play it safe because you’re his first.

Regardless of if you're in high school or going to college, you never want to be his first girlfriend because he thinks he gets a pass on cheating and other nonsense because he doesn't know any better. If you do decide to take on that deathly role, I bid you good luck, girl. You'll need it.


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