What TV channel you watched as a kid says a lot about you
Cartoon Network kids still use the iPhone 4
by Una Dabiero
There are exactly four types of people on this Earth: Kids who watched Nickelodeon, kids who watched Disney, kids who only had PBS, and the fucking freaks who grew up on Cartoon Network. I am convinced that what TV channel you watched as a kid predicted your whole-ass life. And I am here to test my theory on you, dear reader, like a twisted scientist. Here's my breakdown of everyone based on their go-to after-school show. And Disney kids, stop worrying that this quiz will make you feel bad, you pussies.
You're probably a Nick kid if you remember the Alaskan Bull Worm, Rocket Power, or being pissed tf off when Jamie Lynn Spears ruined Zoey 101. If you stayed up all night watching CatDog reruns or had an entire collection of orange VHS tapes, this one's for you.
*on a date*
ya im kind of a film nerd
*back at my place*
so here's my orange VHS copy of Rugrats in Paris
— lil arab (@maybetomhanks) February 21, 2018
Kids who grew up watching Nickelodeon are cool. They're fun people who go to parties but in a good, "I have a shot and three beers and take home the hottest person there" kind of way. They have tons of unanswered texts because they're a bit of a player, but in a dumb "I'm hot way." Not a malicious way.
Nickelodeon kids look like a Billabong ad, but a hot Billabong ad. You know, like we're in 2008. They're athletes with abs and naturally highlighted hair who are always decked out in Adidas OG. They wear lots of white converse and scrunchies and cute oversized hoodies. Nick kids are trendy.
Nick kids were the prom king or queen. They played lacrosse and got to drive before everyone else. They will one day have a hot spouse who makes a ton of money and they'll golf on the reg and have golden retrievers. Basically, what I'm trying to say, is everyone wants to be the Nickelodeon kids.
You're definitely a Disney kid if you grew up looking forward to the Disney Channel Games, remember Selena Gomez's first kiss on Suite Life, or know who Anneliese van der Pol is. If you have all the seasons of Lizzie McGuire on DVD or have ever played the Lilo and Stitch Sandwich Stacker computer game, this one's for you.
— ?シャキや? (@KiaChan0222) February 3, 2018
Disney kids are complete fucking nerds. They were the teacher's pet and got all-A's throughout school. But they weren't really high achieving because they wanted to be, but because they're always strung out.
Disney kids are…vanilla. They wear lots of Old Navy. They love a good collared shirt and pair of riding boots. Their boat shoes are always untied. They kinda judge their friends who go out all the time, but when they go to the bar once in a blue moon, they black tf out. Their drink of choice is a Corona lite. Getting crazy tonight, folks!
Disney kids people are the textbook definition of Millennial. They're ambitious and work hard, but they're grown-ass adults who still throw temper tantrums. They're probably doing some cool, high-powered job now. But they're secretly crying to their mom on the phone every night due to their extreme separation anxiety. One day they'll get over it, with the help of their spouse who studied computer science and wear LOTR shirts. They're too good to tell them to stop.
You're a PBS kid if you remember Cyberchase, learned to read with Reading Rainbow books, or had an Arthur birthday party. Or if you remember Maya and Miguel. It was like Dora the Explorer, except they didn't fucking go anywhere. If the words "Juicy Juice" mean anything to you, this one's yours.
Y’all remember those commercials for juicy juice in between episodes of Arthur on pbs?
advertisements work i still think about how i could go for a nice cold box of juicy juice. that is all.
— Lauren. (@LaurenHosack) February 14, 2018
Kids who didn't have cable and just watched PBS are chill as fuck, but they definitely know what's up. They grew up knowing their parents would beat their ass if they do anything out of the average, so they work hard, keep quiet, and go with the flow.
PBS kids are kinda straight edge, but they smoke a ton of weed. They don't dare go beyond that, really, because they still fear their parents will burst in and smack the drugs right out of their hands.
They dress like they just stepped out of Urban Outfitters, but little do you know they actually found all this trendy shit at the Salvation Army. Real respect real. They also have a great taste in Soundcloud music and YouTube playlists, because they learned how to be cool without dishing out a bunch of $$$.
PBS kids are solid people and good-ass friends. They always text back in an orderly fashion and they know how to treat people. They're also probably the mastermind behind your favorite Twitter account, so one day they'll be media millionaires. They'll use all that money to spoil their families.
You fucking know if you were a Cartoon Network kid.
Kids who grew up watching Cartoon Network are in jail now. They suffer from psychological issues brought on by Courage the Cowardly Dog. These are the types of folks who post Facebook stories from rehab and consider Olive Garden "fine dining."
Cartoon Network kids still use an iPhone 4 with a broken screen because they're addicted to pain pills. They have eyebrow piercings and wear lots of zebra print. They continuously dye their hair lots of bright colors. But at home. Then they take pictures for Instagram of their red-headed reflection in their crusty bathroom mirror. You see their three-year-old child crying on the tile floor behind them. You are scared and call child protective services.
Cartoon Network kids are not to be fucked with. I am scared writing this.