If you can say ‘That’s SO me!’ to at least five of these things, you’re officially That Bitch™
You call it narcissism, I call it a lifestyle. And also narcissism, yeah
Some women achieve extra. Some are born extra. And some have extra thrust upon them. We all have a little bit of high-maintenance hoe within us, but only the chosen few can harness that power to truly become That Bitch™.
If you can say "Yeah, that's me" to at least five of these
Casual dress code? I don't know her
You know you're that bitch because you're physically incapable of dressing down. Those texts your friends send down the group chat like "Should we dress cute?" might as well be in a foreign language because it literally won't compute for you. Everyone else is going out in jeans and a nice top while you arrive late in a fur coat and sunglasses so tiny, it's like Kanye selected them personally.
And leaving the house without a complete face-beat is out of the question
You can't comprehend the idea of subtle or natural, though your look is always flawless. A trip to Wal-Greens is incomplete without a full contour and sweep of Fenty Trophy Wife highlighter. And my GOD when a night out comes around? Your friends beg you to do their makeup. And of course you agree, you generous queen.
You command your friends to immediately like your posts
It's your squad's duty to be your biggest fans and boost your engagement so you can flex on every lame girl you went to h If they don't like and comment in the first 5 minutes, they're fake as fuck.
Tap water is so not your style—even if it's filtered
Evian and Fiji are your main squeezes, and your dehydration should be identical to your outfit—flawless.
Green text bubbles? Bye Felicia
I can literally feel a frown forming on my face when I receive a green text. That person is a pure sin and there's no chance they'll get accepted into any of my group chats.
No fewer than six takes are required for dressing room selfies
You were born to model and its all in the amount of pictures you took. Validation from the squad on your pic is hardly ever necessary because who knows lewks better than you?
If he messes up your hair, lose his number
Nothing pisses you off more than a man who carelessly dishevels your carefully-sculpted bun. After all the blood, sweat and kinks you combed through, he'll be lucky to get within 3 feet of you ever again.
The sound of your tips on a keyboard gives you life
The world needs to know I have important That Bitch™ business happening on my phone. Everyone else in the room will be annoyed with you, but who cares? Their cuticles are all the way fucked up.
You think flat shoes are for quitters
Think of an iconic, powerful woman. Now try to imagine her wearing Nikes to a meeting or red carpet. Yeah, that's what I thought. The only women who make it work are the women who actually design them, and last I checked my surname isn't Fenty. Heels it is, y'all.
You can't not look in a mirror…or a window…or a spoon
Where there's a reflection, your ass is most definitely in it. You can be late to the meeting for a never a quick primp.
You'd die before calling your own Uber
You're definitely high maintenance if you someone else is picking up the Uber tab. Your phone is already occupied. No one but you can take your after-club selfie. If it's a guy who refuses to call your car, then only divine intervention can save him from a slaughtering.
Lipgloss is critical considering it is the most extra makeup item you could ever apply…
Slick on a coat of super-shiny gloss and immediately feel like the hottest bitch in seventh grade. Go ahead, try it. There's something about having lips that look like they're encased in Saran Wrap—it does things to me that not even the most powerful antidepressant can't do. Honestly, if every man, woman and child on earth owned a tube of Mac's Purr, there would be no war.
…Until we get to highlighter, the holy grail of extra
Blind a bitch if you must, because a shimmery highlight is what separates the basic tee bitches from the body suit babes. They only wish they could be on your level of glitter and gold.
Guys will their make their main chick their side chick for you
As bad as it sounds, there are men literally willing to drop everything in their life so they can take you on a date. If he's got a baby, he'd be willing to put 'em up for adoption if it means you'll give them the time of day.
You don't own panties without a matching bra
Despite being alone for the night, you want your underwear to be just as cute as you are everyday. That episode of Degrassi in which Manny wore the thong spoke to 9-year-old you, and left a lasting impression. Your recurring nightmare is being in an accident only to have a hot paramedic remove your clothes and see some full-coverage nightmare down there. Like, just let me die instead, you know?
Your favorite words in the English language are 'Now, you didn't hear this from me, but…'
Because you're That Bitch™, people trust you with all of their baggage. The tea may be piping hot, but you won't tell a soul. I mean, unless someone asks you first.
The only people who truly understand the high-maintenance struggle are your best friends
Because they're just as extra. Only your fellow babes can understand the hardship of being envied by everyone. You know when Big Sean sang "Your whole crew look like a pageant"? Yeah, that was about y'all.
And your mom because she literally made you this way
Momma didn't raise no fool. She's practically wrote the book on how to be That Bitch™. My own will deadass send the dishware back to the restaurant kitchen if she notices even the smallest smudge on her cutlery.
You and guac are one in the same: E X T R A
Even your lunch breaks do the absolute most. While other basics in the office are eating a sad salad desk lunch, you take it upon yourself to bring in something incredibly complicated and decadent — or you stick to a green juice and very smugly make eyes at everyone as you sip it.
Your dating expectations are high because you deserve only the best
If they can't contribute to your That Bitch™ lifestyle, the door is only but a few feet away, boo. You must be treated as priority #1, above fresh air and drinkable water, even. That said, you've got a roster of dudes at your disposal.
Your DMs are always filled to the brim
If you see awaiting messages by the tens, hundreds and thousands, you're on and popping. Even though you don't respond to your admirers, you'll at least bless their heart by leaving them on read.
Even your low-key days feature trendsetting ensembles
Jealousy is inevitable because even when you're not totally on top of your game, girls will ask where you got your coat from. It was on sale, but that's between you and me.
Just so you know, while you focus on trapping more Insta followers than an ex Bachelor contestant, the rest of the world is burning down. But honestly, who cares? But so long as your highlight stays intact for the Apocalypse, you'll be That Bitch™ even in death. I love it.
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