INVESTIGATION: Is Timothée Chalamet hot? Let’s examine the evidence together
Based on our scientific analysis
There's no question that Timothée Chalamet is hot right now — he was in two different Oscar nominated movies and he went to NYU. It's pretty much impossible to have more clout than that.
But as Timothée's star rises, I get the sense that I'm being forced to consider more than just his talent — it's time for me to parse out whether or not Timothée Chalamet is hot. It's a tough job, and nobody has to do it, but nevertheless I'm persisting, okay? It's Women's Month. Let me have this.
Is the reigning Boy King of cinema actually fuckable, or are we being force fed another skinny, normal-looking white dude by the Media Machine?
First, let's state the obvious
If I was at a party, and Timothée was also at that party, and he was just a regular dude who wasn't in Interstellar, I would hardcore try to get with him. But that's because I feel comfortable saying that Timothée is, in essence, normie hot. He's got facial symmetry, he's pretty tall and his hair looks soft.
But Timothée can't be evaluated by normal standards, because he's Famous. That's why writing this article is okay — but it also means that we have to go deeper.
So of course I polled the office
The women of the office were pretty evenly split. Most of the men of the office didn't respond to me.
The majority of the pro-Chalamet arguments centered around his bone structure or persona, and most of the anti-Chalamet sentiments were related to the age he looks or this cursed image:
After a lot of yelling, an Instagram story, and a tirade (from me) denouncing Ansel Elgort, we distilled a couple of our most salient points re: Timothée for your reading pleasure.
Point: He's handsome, but also seems attainable
Based on the analysis of some of the best and brightest minds within a 20-foot radius of me, a lot of Timothée's appeal lies in how easy it is to imagine yourself getting with him. He's wildly successful, but also looks kind of like an Instagram poet or the guy who always shows up high to your Introduction to Buddhism discussion section.
Counterpoint: He looks…young
I think part of it is the fact that he keeps playing teens. But he also keeps playing teens because he looks like a teen.
Point: He has a great personality!
I know, this is the thing you say when someone isn't hot. But it is true that Timothée has a very expressive face, which is why he's such a good actor! And talent is hot, right?
Counterpoint: He looks like a rat
Ugh. I can't say that I don't see it. That Flushed Away thing is gonna be burned into my brain forever. He also kind of looks like Lorde, and Lorde is much better at looking like Lorde.
In conclusion, there's no real conclusion
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so at the end of the day there's no definitive answer as to whether or not sweet Timothée is hot. Do I think so? Yeah, but I'd fuck Post Malone, so that doesn't really mean shit anyway.
Decide for yourself if Timothée is hot or not — besides, it's not like you're ever gonna get with him anyway.
Related stories recommended by this writer:
● PSA: Channing Tatum is not hot
● Can somebody please explain why the fuck we're making G-Eazy happen?
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