BABE MARCH MADNESS IS HERE! We’re ranking hot-ugly guys, so come fight it out!
Come one, come all! We’re slandering Ed Sheeran today
by Una Dabiero
There are many types of hot man in this world. First, there's conventional, toothpaste commercial hot. You know, like Zac Efron and Channing Tatum. Then, there's artsy hot — guys like Cole Sprouse or Jake Gyllenhaal. There's dad hot. George Clooney is the textbook example of that. And of course, there's bad boy hot, like Robert Downey Jr.
But maybe the most endearing type of hot guy? The ugly-hot one. No one can agree if these guys are hot or not. Most of them are butt ugly until you find out they're good at something or their strung-out look starts to grow on you. Some of them are "hot" but have way too much going on on their face. And some of them you SWEAR are hot, but your friends shun you every time you bring him up.
Our 2018 March Madness babe bracket ranks ugly hot guys. Who is definitively the most hot of the ugly hot? We're gonna find out together. Let's be honest — this is way more entertaining than "watching" basketball with a bunch of guys you pretend to be friends with because John is hot anyway.
Take a look at our contenders, then fill out the bracket at the very end of this story. Tweet or Instagram with #babebracket to cast your vote.
Here are the competitors:
24. Ed Sheeran
Ah, Ed Sheeran. One of the most beloved pop stars of all time. While he might be talented according to the Recording Academy, they've definitely never given him an award for his appearance. And while I would never say this because I'd get MEGA backlash, I definitely think he looks like a fish that swims in the deep, dark part of the ocean. Maybe he's always looking for the light that should be dangling in front of his face?
23. Post Malone
Post Malone looks like he hasn't showered in 80 years. He also probably hasn't brushed his teeth in 80 years — that would explain the full gold grills. But despite his greasy-ass braids and face round as a fucking medicine ball, girls love his shit. Smdh.
22. Bill Skarsgard
Bill Skarsgard is definitely cut. But he also kinda looks like a bug. Like a fly, but with a lazy eye. In a sexy way. I don't know — y'all need to tell me how you feel about this.
21. Rupert Grint
Rupert Grint looks like he's been doing meth for sixty years, but in an arsty way. Like, for a documentary. His face kinda eats his eyes and he only half-way has facial hair. But still, girls stan Ronald Weasley. This dude could never do anything ever again and still have crazy Harry Potter fans knocking on his door, I guarantee it.
20. Caleb Landry Jones
Caleb Landry Jones kinda looks like the scary kid from Toy Story. This dude has definitely defiled some small animals, don't even come at me. But maybe it's his mysterious, serial killer ugly-hotness that kept girls crawling back even after he played a psychopath in Get Out? Personally, I wouldn't fuck with this dude. But I would probably advice he got a haircut.
19. Kevin Jonas
Kevin Jonas is notoriously not as attractive as his younger brothers. But all the same, he has a loyal base of fangirls who would fuck this past pop star in a heartbeat. I can't really name what's up with Kevin, but there's something there. It might start with his diagonal hairline, tbh.
18. Woody Harrelson
Woody Harrelson is a weidly-shaped daddi with really blue eyes. If you can get over the balding and the sloping forehead and the fact that I don't understand where his nose ends and begins, I could totally see how he's hot.
17. Charlie Heaton
Charlie Heaton, one of the stars of Stranger Things, is definitely a little strange. His whole face is kinda compacted to the middle and his makeup artists definitely don't know how to apply foundation. But he's dating the girl who plays Nancy, so he must be a really nice guy. Or he has a big dick. Who knows!
16. Michael Cera
Michael Cera kinda looks like a baby who grew too tall and never developed a chin. Maybe that's why he starred in Juno? He definitely does it for some girls who are into the whole "cute" thing, but I could personally never sleep with a dude with such few eyebrow hairs. Next!
15. Adrien Brody
Adrien Brody is so ugly-hot, it's kinda what he's famous for.
14. Ezra Miller
Ezra Miller looks like a snake. A sexy snake. His face is so structured, he kinda resembles Handsome Squidward. But he also looks like he's secretly a super villain who spits venom at people and drinks their blood to absorb their beauty. Or maybe that's just me?
13. Steph Curry
Steph Curry isn't bad looking. But he isn't great looking either. If he wasn't an all-star basketball player, he definitely looks like a guy who'd be working at a car wash. And asking for your number through your slightly-rolled down window.
12. Travis Scott
Travis Scott, Kylie's baby daddy, is pretty hot at first glance. He's a rapper. He wears nice clothes. But when you look a little closer, you realize his face looks like the moon if the moon had unfortunate mountain ranges a la all of Travis' features. Still, tons of girls would definitely fuck. What side are you on, really?
11. Benedict Cumberbatch
Benny boy is textbook ugly-hot. Some girls think he's to die for (the British accent definitely contributes to this). Others think he looks like a poorly-constructed cyborg sent by the aliens to spy on us all. Me? I personally think he looks like a reptilian space-monster hiding as a human. Look at those eyes.
G-Eazy looks like he smokes about 18 cigarettes on the way to the studio to record some below-average rap, then snorts about 10 lines of coke, then inhales about 3 bags of Ecstasy just so he can stand fucking Halsey, who is obviously a girlfriend set up by his producers. No? Is it just me?
9. Jack Antonoff
Jack Antonoff, a music producer, was probably too good for Lena Dunham. Or was he? I guess it depends on how hot you think he is. Lorde definitely thinks he's pretty fine, but some (ok, I) could argue that he looks like a claymation figure.
8. Evan Peters
Evan Peters kinda consistently looks like he's dying at the hands of a tapeworm, but the stringy look is kinda hot on him? Some girls think he looks like a corpse. But if Evan Peters is dead, I'm dead. Who knew necrophilia could look so good?
7. Chance the Rapper
Chance the Rapper is sweet as can be. He practically SAVED the city of Chicago. But that doesn't change the fact that he looks like a Mario Brother.
6. Scott Disick
Scott Disick has that drunken dad look. While some of us love his blue eyes and robust facial hair, others are turned off by his eye bags, big-ass forehead, and the fact that his voice makes him sound like a rat in on of those Rescuers movies.
5. Tom Hiddleston
Some girls would hook up with Taylor's ex Tom in a hot second. He was in Thor, after all. But others get turned off by his strange facial structure and the fact that he looks like Prince John in Disney's Robin Hood — you know, the one where the fox is hot? It's up to y'all where he falls.
4. Charlie Puth
Charlie Puth, this really didn't have to be like this. But with his latest look that makes him the spitting image of my 80-year-old step-aunt, he's definitely stepped into ugly-hot territory.
3. Adam Driver
Is Adam Driver hot? Some of us think so. Others think he's just a spoon with a Count Olaf nose.
2. Timothee Chalamet
Some girls think Timoethee is their Tumblr dreamboat. Me? I think Timothee looks like a limp noodle with legs, if limp noodles could also have the facial structure of a 15-year-old.
1. Blake Griffin
He may date Kendall Jenner, but he's still ugly-hot. Look at his caveman face!
Here's how the first games shake up:
#1 Blake Griffin v. #24 Ed Sheeran
#8 Evan Peters v. #17 Charlie Heaton
#9 Jack Antonoff v. #16 Michael Cera
#2 Timothee Chalamet v. #23 Post Malone
#7 Chance the Rapper v. #18 Woody Harrelson
#10 G-Eazy v. #15 Adrien Brody
#3 Adam Driver v. #22 Bill Skarsgard
#6 Scott Disick v. #19 Kevin Jonas
#11 Benedict Cumberbatch v. #14 Ezra Miller
#4 Charlie Puth v. #21 Rupert Grint
#5 Tom Hiddleston v. #20 Caleb Landry Jones
#12 Travis Scott v. #13 Steph Curry
And here is the bracket:
Download it here.
Happy Analysis Madness, my pretties 😈