I requested money from celebrities to see what would happen, and some of them ACTUALLY paid me
It was God’s plan, Champagne Papi
by Ari Bines
As Khalid once said, we're young, dumb and broke. Going out to clubs, bars and parties with a cover charge can be annoying when there's a credit/debit minimum (the fuck?), not to mention how much it costs to look hot day in and day out. It's a racket, y'all.
On those broke bitch days, we all take refuge with Venmo to pay our friends back for products and services we didn't have on us at the moment.
But instead of going after best buddies, I sought out strangers I knew had money—celebrities, requesting just one dollar. You know, because they're always talking about how rich they are? Could it really be God's Plan?
First, I did some research
Because there are no certifications or verifications on Venmo, it's hard to tell who's who…or if the person is at all who their Venmo name says it is.
But it was worth a shot! I figured the best place to start would be with stars whose careers have fallen flat, because who would want to pretend to be them in the first place?!
I started with That So Raven's Kyle Massey:
Kyle repays his friends for food, water and haircuts. But like, same. Side note: I don't recall Kyle Massey ever really having hair, but maybe he's hooking up one of his sugar babies with a new weave. Who knows?
You should peep that in his Venmo profile pic, he's posing with Kendall Jenner — how sweet of her to pose with a fan! I never asked Kyle for a dollar because he seems like he needs it more than I do. But I used his friends list to find the real money.
Liam Hemsworth was the first to deny my request
Liam spends his time on Venmo paying and receiving cash with some girl named Claire for car mishaps and and tats. Tattoos are expensive, gals. Get a celebrity to chip in. They can afford it.
Then Janel Parrish curved me
I tried a new approach, separate from my surly "Since y'all so rich" request. Maybe if I got all Make-a-Wish on these celebs, they'd help me out.
I thought that if I'd been in a "dire situation" that was plausible (like overdrafting my bank account), my girl Janel would come through for a bitch. Unfortunately, I set my sights way too high and she denied my request for money overnight. Damn, Mona.
The only way I was able to verify that this was definitely her account was by exploring her friend's list and I found connects to all her PLL costars:
And Troian Bellisario and Tyler Blackburn
Next, I begged Camila Mendez from Riverdale for a buck
I left the same message I sent Janel because I wanted to know if she'd actually help a girl in need. I thought my request seemed pretty legit, but clearly Camila doesn't fuck with poor peeps like me.
Even my plus-size babe Gabourey Sidibe wouldn't budge
I genuinely love this woman because she's been through hell and back in the deepest circle of fat-shaming hell. She made her career off Precious and now can be seen moving on up in Lucious Lyon's Empire. Maybe I should've channeled into my inner trash-like persona and pulled out the Black card. I might've gotten a buck back.
Kevin McHale from Glee also denied my request
I know Glee paid Kev well, so a dollar isn't exactly breaking the bank. Some website said his net worth is a surprising amount of $ 14 million, which seems suspect to me. I mean, each individual Migo only has $4 million each. Did a secondary Glee character really have it like that? Guess not, because he kept the dollar for himself.
Then I requested Drake for a dollar…and he requested me a dollar back. Naturally, I had to give it to him
…but then I remembered that I was the poor person in the transaction and charged him another $2
So, maybe I guilt-tripped him a little. But it worked! And I mean it's only $2 dollars, bro. One of which was mine. I'm pretty sure he didn't know how to use the app when he'd first requested that one bill, telling me to pay it forward. But he got the hang of it once I made mention of the homie upstairs.
I even tried to shake up to celebrity children
Of course I only put my hand out to the ones who would even know what Venmo is. I had high hopes that Kim Zolciak's daughter from the the early seasons of Real Housewives of Atlanta, Brielle, would give a girl a buck.
Yes people, not even a Real Housewife child would cough up the dough. I don't know what Kim taught her daughter but my momma always told me sharing is caring. Maybe this is how the rich stay rich, though?
My journey continued as I searched for some D-List celebs who I thought would be generous additions to my research
I decided to try a more plausible approach in my pitch for a dollar. I told some D-List celebs that I didn't want to overdraft my account and that I'd be getting paid within the next 72 hours. What I thought would be a foolproof pitch to get me money was unfortunately not foolproof at all.
Marshall from Disney's Under Wraps wouldn't help me
Whatever relevancy Mario Yedidia has now in 2018 is unbeknownst to me, so I'm offended he thought he was too good to spare some cash to a cute and curvy Black girl. He should be so lucky.
And neither did the hot dude from Disney Channel's Brink would pay it forward
Erik von Detten was one of my biggest teen heart throbs. Despite playing a hot dipstick looking for fame in Princess Diaries, I feel absolutely honored to be denied a request from his fine ass. Let's just reminisce his hotness for one second:
Delicious! But he still should've given me my money.
But God finally provided…in the form a white, one-hit wonder rapper
I thought all hope was lost until Asher Roth finally threw me a bone.But maybe he understood my struggle. I mean, is I Love College really paying him the residuals he needs? Salvation came in the form of Asher Roth! You can come to the cookout, Roth. I'll allow it.