All the things that make you a slut, according to the men of the internet

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All the things that make you a slut, according to the men of the internet

I’ll still be eye-rolling in my grave

Who better than men to tell us all the things promised to ensure one-way tickets to hell?! We know that men are basically tiny, fragile baby birds and the sight of an unsaved number or a facedown will result in an insecure rage. But what else infuriates these pissbabies to the point of nuclear meltdown? Let's take a journey, babes:

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Wearing a bodysuit

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Can someone please explain to me what the real difference is between wearing a body suit and a swimsuit? Is it the fact that we're not surrounded by a body of water?

Wearing lipstick

Evidently, you're a slut if you wear color on your lips. Now this guy says "overlining" lips, but we all know by that he means daring to wear anything on them at all. Like this musty-ass dude knows the difference.

If you have a high Snapchat score

Apparently, we're automatic whores if we have any kind of popularity online. So I guess that means every beauty blogger and influencer making money off the app is a prostitute. That makes total sense.

If you sip your drink with a straw

Guys make everything sexual, including the manner in which you're trying to get hammered. Start picking up your drink ladies, you'll be labeled a deep-throat deviant if you don't.

Telling your friends who you slept with

I'm sorry, but telling your friends is a favor to women. If you don't rate your fuckboy's performance, you're sending another woman down the same crappy rabbit whole of bad dick. That's basically a crime against women. So not feminist.

Taking pictures with men

I guess if I photograph myself in a family photo with of each of my 12 uncles, I must be engaging in incestuous relationships then. What would we do without men telling us how to live?

Having sex on the first date (but duh)

If we're sluts, what does that make them?

Using certain emojis

Oh, but you have made the rules, Bray. Because you're obviously dumb enough to think girls using a digital emoticon is proof of a freewheelin' vag.

Eating food — and liking it

I'll have what she's having! According to the men of the internet, you're a guaranteed slut for enjoying a meal. Because everyone know that good food is a sin and you should never vocalize it. Swallow quietly, bitches.

Dating more than one person over the course of an entire lifetime

Girls also aren't allowed to see anyone else after their previous relationship ended if they don't want to be a slut. I guess it doesn't matter if she was the one to catch him cheating, either. Moving on too fast after getting fucked over is just out of the question.

If you dare you expect decent sex

Seems like the dude who tweeted this is just self-owning. You out of dick then, Sean? Sad. Only god can help you with that one. Then again, you could seek out an old fashioned penis pump if you're that pressed.

Posting nudes, but only on certain apps (?????)

To the women reading this: save your nudes for the 8-year-old Tumblr account you don't even remember the password to. Doesn't matter if you have 5 followers or 50,000, if it's on Tumblr, it's fine. Anything else? Beat it, hoe.

Being single

Thanks for pointing that out, Ace. We should also call up Facebook and petition to remove the entire relationship status from the code while we’re on the topic.

Being treated to some bud

Because you're so keen on not paying to get lit this one time, you can bet that you're being labeled as an adulterer. Might as well stick an A on your tit if you missed a payment a day in your life.

If you left a water bottle in your car, or haven't been grocery shopping this week

God forbid you travel or don’t know how to cook like every other Millennial on the planet. If you’re a female with a messy car, you can’t be surprised that a guy thinks you sleep around.

If you're not his personal assistant, you're a sluuuut

Indifference to the fate of a $10 t-shirt is a clear indicator that you’re looking for too good of a time. I clearly can’t afford to buy my own. Or maybe I just prefer to take things from guys like they’ve taken from women for, oh say, a few thousand years.

And don’t even think about releasing your anger on your Instagram

What woman is dumb enough to stick up their middle finger to the camera? Men do it in their dating pics, profile pics, yearbook photos, but women can’t afford to be that bold in even one photo.

Enjoying pop music = W H O R E D O M

How dare you enjoy the drama of one of the highest-paid reality stars and the most famous Black singer of the decade? Only those damned to eternal hellfire listen to those queens. Stay far away!

No condom? Slut. Use a condom? Even bigger slut

Just rely on the foolproof pullout method instead, right? That definitely always works.

And finally, breathing

I know this one is a joke, you sluts.

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@aribines

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