What it’s really like trying to masturbate as a fat woman

Ah, the beloved pastime we love to engage in when we’re bored, need to fall sleep quickly, or hormonal as fuck — masturbation.

It’s obvious not every girl rocks the same size body. But what might not be an immediate realization is how different masturbation is for bigger baddies. It’s not always easy, trust me — but where’s a will, there’s a way.

Here’s how us thickies go about getting some action all on our own:

It’s basically an hour (if you’re lucky) of Pilates

The thing about masturbating with more meat on your bones is that you’ll become a Cirque du Soleil contortionist without realizing it. I don’t know any big girl who remains in the same position when getting it in good. And if you are that girl, you’re doing it all wrong.

Getting enough action while remaining comfortable enough to enjoy the session can be tough because the same routine of the old hand down the Spanx will get tired real quick.

Even when I’m alone and working my best muscle down south, I prefer to get into a doggy-style position and reach under to get the good spot. The annoying thing about this position is that it’s a pain reaching over a hump of tummy to get to the pearl, but it’s worth it in the end.

Not creaking the bed in a co-living space is a special skill that belongs on a resume

Weighing more than the average woman means you’re prone to add some creakery to wherever you sit. Whether it be a wooden chair, a school desk or (in this case) a bed, furniture tends to make its own set of noises in addition to your howls.

When you’re going in on yourself, you definitely don’t want others around you to know what you’re doing behind closed doors. It’s already hard enough as women trying to keep themselves quiet from the waves of orgasm when your (*shrieks*) grandma is in the next room over.

You practice positioning for when you’re not actually working the crevice

Even when I’m not in the mood to go downtown, I always like to believe that practice makes perfect. I recommend all thick women at least make the attempt to stretch their legs behind their ears to try new angles that can be worked into the masturbation routine. I, personally, don’t want to feel like rolie-polie-olie when I’m already riled up before prime time, and neither do you.

Using your fingers is absolutely out of the question

A vibrator to us curvy girls is not just a precious tool to finish the race, but it gives us just the right amount of extension we need to reach through our thick thighs and into the dark depths of the female cave.

If you’re a plus-size babe who only owns one of those small thumb-sized vibrators, you should probably replace it with something longer to save your arm from an unnecessary workout. Save that bullshit for your actual gym day. This is you time, kwaaane.

Related stories recommended by this writer:

● Do you even realize we’re living in a fat hoe revolution?!

● Stop writing off small guys because you think you’ll kill them during sex

@aribines