Trust me, crystal sex toys are actually the hidden key to amazing sex and feeling better

I have a long, documented history of being suckered into trying any product vaguely cosmic that promises to make a mystical, Paltrowian goddess. And when you factor in sex, I'd almost literally be willing to drive my car off a waterfall to get my hands on it — and that's not too far of an exaggeration.

Which is why when I got turned on (lol) to the idea of crystals and gemstones + my sex life, I knew this was something I had to try for myself. And unlike so many of my other celestial experiments, this one didn't even come close to disappointing.

Yes, you put the gemstones there

So there were basically two separate pieces of this experiment/exploration into the crystal game: the sexual health component, and the sex component. Let's start with the health bit because that leads to the sex bit, yeah?

So Yoni Eggs have been a ~thing~ for a while, but for years they've been seen as a super-exclusive Goop-type thing reserved for vagina owners who don't have WiFi because they think it pollutes the air and gives you cancer. Yeah, not anymore! Those pretty lil' eggs have gone completely mainstream, and they're a safe and effective way to strengthen your vaginal muscles and rejuvenate that entire area. They're carefully-carved pure gemstones (I'm partial to jade, tbh) that you insert with an attached string (because you know the horror or "losing" a tampon all too well, I'm sure).

How to use them

I was lucky enough to be sent my own jade egg from Gemstone Yoni, the premier provider of Yoni eggs — but when it comes time to select your own products, you've got to go with the crystal that most matches your needs. After doing some research, the consensus is you've just to pick the egg that feels right. Admittedly that sounds like it's easier said than done, but think about how you naturally gravitate to clothes that are your exact vibe in stores. Same thing, y'all.

In a relaxed and stress-free space, insert it and follow a series of guided exercises and meditation. Basically, most of it is strengthening your pelvic floor muscles which has always seemed like something just for women a bit older, but it's actually the key to like, the best sex of your life. Seriously, working it out like the muscle it is unlocks better sex and health. Do it instead of going to the real gym, I won't snitch.

Ok, now for the sex toy part

I know this is why you clicked, don't even lie to me. Forgive me for sounding so obvious, but they're literally just bespoke, pretty, way-more-beneficial than the silicon sex toys you can pick up at any Ricky's NYC. Pretty much every sex toy you can think of can come in a polished crystal version: dildos, wands, butt plugs, whatever. They're designed to awaken a higher level of consciousness down there and lead to more relaxed, fulfilling sex. In other words, way more intense orgasms.

If you're with someone, you feel more spiritually connected to your partner. If you're using them solo, you feel more spiritually connected to yourself. I don't know which is better, honestly. And I know this is by far the least important part of the crystal sex toys, but they're just way more elegant and fun to look at than whatever monster plastic jack rabbit you bought on Amazon last week. I'm shallow! Sue me!

Just call it your spring resolution

There's no better time to recommit to yourself and your sexual satisfaction like a new season, and spring is the ideal. The whole vibe is rebirth and revitalization, and that should be the theme of your sex life, too. Crystals aren't just a pretty trend to wear around your neck. They could be the key to unlocking parts of you you've never tapped into before. You deserve it, trust me.

@TheTab