Your weekly horoscopes are here, and you’re going to like what you see
April goals > March goals
by The Tab
I used to detest Mondays, but now I look forward to them because they're an excuse to spend half of the day looking at horoscopes while pretending to do work. Plus it really pisses off men for some reason, which is always fun.
Just know the same guys on Tinder who bitch about girls enjoying astrology are the ones coming to me asking about how "compatible" they are with "some chick" they smashed last night (that's you!!). Anywhoooo, here's everything the stars have in store for you this week, with illustrations by Lucy Turnbull for babe.
So you feel like you've been living in a sad, shitty music video and we're going to snap you TF of that. Why? Because you aren't living in a sad music video 👏. And because you could be living in a cute indie one instead, one where you're always wearing yellow and the guy you like is just as into you as you are into him 🌻. There's always wine and soft lighting everywhere, and people's eyes follow you anywhere you go. I suggest starting by making a less depressing playlist for yourself on Spotify. This trick works WONDERS, and you'll look cute jamming out in your favorite headphones.
You text guys back within the half-hour but appreciate when they hit you back within the week; you think being asked on a date the day-of is spontaneous and romantic; and when he suggests you stay the night instead of taking an Uber home, you're bursting at the seams waiting to gush about it to your friends 😍. See what I'm getting at? Your standards are TOO 👏 LOW 👏, and this week we're going to fix that. That full moon better not have been for nothing. The less time you spend going to him, the more time he'll spend coming to you. It's S C I E N C E ⚗.
You're a Gemini, so I bet you spend all week applying face masks and painting and re-painting your nails in anticipation for a date — only to shit the bed when it finally comes 💅? Well the tests are in, and you're officially sarmassophobic. Don't worry about running over to WebMD. You aren't going to die or anything 😷. You're just going to have a hard time finding a partner. Sarmassophobia, or the fear of dating and relationships, can only be cured one way, and that's by TRYING — even if it takes a little or a lotta tequila. Strap on those training wheels because it's time to get back into dating 🍹.
I bet you blame all of your instabilities on technology and dating apps like Tinder, but they're more deep-rooted than that 📱. Sure, technology isn't helpful when it comes to wishing you were hotter or thinner or had a relationship to put on display, but it isn't all that matters. Power down your phone and spend some time working on yourself instead of working on yourself in comparison to other people. You see the difference? Maybe without your nose in your phone, that person will finally notice you 😳.
Fear can be catalyzed by previous partners or even friends, but you're letting your past relationships get the best of you. You still think about them in the shower, before you fall asleep — shit, you think about them while you're supposed to be working, but that's why it didn't work out in the first place 😩. Nobody wants someone who's obsessed with them, they want someone they're going to have to chase. This week, you're going to working on becoming that girl they chased the first time 😛. Just please try and catch someone worthy of you this time around.
You’re not on a break — your ass just got dumped, OK 💁? I know you're not going around telling anyone you're on a break, but you're certainly keeping yourself from other experiences, sitting home and hoping they'll hit you up again. A) They aren't going to. B) Even if they do, will it really look cool to be available to them immediately? NO. Go out, and post some 🔥 pics on your IG story. Yes, you're allowed to check if they're watching, just don't watch any of theirs, or message them about it. It's their turn to pine after YOU.
Do you even realize how strong of a word hate is? And lately you've been all about it. You don't hate that girl because your ex liked her pic 😡, you don't hate your roommate because she had loud sex last week. And the more you let little things like these irritate you, the less people are going to want to be around you. Everyone loves and envies a girl who looks like she isn't bothered by anything 💅. Not only that, you'll feel better too. Imagine how much space you'd have for other things in your heart if you weren't harping on all of this bullshit 💕.
Yes, there's a lot of pain in loving someone who cannot seem to love you back. But not to be a bitch . . . there's a lot you can learn from it, too. They can love you back, they just don't want to . . . right now 🙊. And by the time they do want to, you'll be out of their league. Sure, you're allowed to work on becoming the girl of their dreams, but only so that when they finally realize you're what they want inside and out, you can post an IG with someone way hotter 💑.
Alright. Listen up. You deserve better than someone who's going to leave you on read ✅. Here's what you have to do: go into your phone, go into settings, turn read receipts on and wait for them to text you. Now, you leave them on read. Go out with your friends, wear something you know will make them jealous, upload a pic of it to your story, and wait for them to watch it 👀. Open the DM they inevitably send, and leave them on read again. Repeat both of these steps until they call you, begging you to meet up, and then tell them you're busy. You just met someone else and you're going home with them 😋. True story.
So you woke up in a bit of a fog today. Big deal. Brush it off and snap back to your routine!! You'll want to be at full alert all week because there are going to be more eyes on you than usual 👀. And what better way to feel sharp then to treat yourself to a new leeewk? It is your season after all. I suggest a new matching lingerie set 🔥. It'll leave you feeling confident from the daylight hours into the evening, since you'll be way too busy to stop home.
People will like you a lot more once you start accepting those imperfections you're always worrying about 😩. We all have stomach rolls when we sit down, we all have shitty hair days, we all have people we text who don't text us back, and we all sometimes wish we looked more like somebody else. But you're more than your Instagram. You're a person who likes art, and music and films and when you start talking about those instead of that influencer you're totally obsessed with, people will start becoming totally obsessed with YOU 😻.
We need to talk about existing in the moment, don't we? I get it, you're a perfectionist, but you're stressing people always asking about jobs and future plans. Just because you're psychic doesn't mean everyone else is, and it's going to start making your friends (and particularly partners) feel inferior to you 🌙. It's good to be competitive, but work on being competitive with yourself first. Try to be better than you were yesterday, and you can start by supporting people for trying in the first place 👏. They'll love you for it.